Possible Asperger's Diagnosis? Help, please.

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Hello to anyone who cares enough to read this topic. I went to see a clinical psychologist earlier today, for I have long suspected that I have some mild form of ADD, as I have a lot of trouble keeping on task at times, not to mention how distant minded I am, so to speak. As I told her why I believed that I may have ADD, she briefly mentioned that it is likely that I may have Asperger's, which quite frankly, is the last think I was expecting, and the last thing I wanted to hear. We ended up discussing aspects of my personality and my thought process for approximately two and a half hours, whereupon I became almost convinced that I have it. However, after reading some of the symptoms, I am now unsure, and so have ventured into this place to gain new insight.

I am nearly 20 years old, so it seems odd that I would be diagnosed with it so late in life. I suppose I'll give you a brief dictation of who and what I am, so that those of you may give me a better idea of whether or not I have it. I'm a second year student, double majoring in philosophy and psychology, two subjects that I absolutely adore with every inch of me. I love studying philosophical arguments, just as much as I love examining the intricacies of human nature. I also am a great lover of music, and have a huge collection of it ranging from under-produced black metal to minimalistic ambience-noise, and everything in between. Though I love these things, I'm not sure if they would constitute as an obsession for me. They don't seem to be irrational -- I don't feel some sort of compulsion to engage in them to extreme lengths, but I merely regard them as divine pleasures that seem to take up quite a bit of my time. Another thing that I suppose may set off alarms is the fact that I am very reclusive, almost to the point of living the lifestyle of a hermit. I think I spend much of my time in my room, by myself, behind a computer. However, I'm not sure my being alone is for the same reasons as those with asperger's. I can make friends rather easily for the most part, and I don't think I have a problem with quickly analyzing body language, vocal tone, motive, and emotion like any normal person would when engaging in discussion or discourse with another human being. Perhaps those with a confirmed diagnosis of the syndrome could extrapolate further on how and why they have difficulty being in social situations? I think I am a loner by nature because I hate small talk, for the most part, and I find most people far too loud, obnoxious, and boring to be around. As unusual as it may be, I have little difficulty engaging in meaningful conversation over IM programs like AIM or MSN. I think I also feel genuinely uncomfortable when around other people, like some sort of mild agitation that's really quite inexplicable. As I was telling the psychologist this, she remarked about how deeply thoughtful and analytical I was, which made me somewhat uncomfortable, but I can understand why she would think something like that. She suggested that because I am so analytical and rational, my thoughts on other human beings and their feelings is based in reason, that I judge and analyze others through scientific law (so to speak), which I have devised somewhat subconsciously as I grew up and learned how to cope with my perceived differences. It sounds somewhat convincing, but I'm just really unsure, because this sort of thing, my judgments upon others, seems so innate and natural like it ought to in any being without such a disorder. As a child I had a few friends, but I would also describe my childhood overall as being a solitary one. Again, perhaps one could describe to me how children who exhibit symptoms of Asperger’s behave.

It's funny and ironic that as rational and logical I seem to others, I don't really feel that way on the inside -- I feel emotional, not mechanical like is popularly described of people with derivatives of autism. While I seem to excel in most intellectual pursuits, I'm exceptionally horrific, simply awful, at subjects that would require a priori reason, such as mathematics and logic. It seems only intuitive that one as rational as I, would be good at them (not that I think that I am particularly rational -- that is a description most paint me with). Though, the psychologist said that this was not unusual of people who do have asperger’s.

On the off chance that I am talking with other people, I am always told that I make for lively discussion; my opinion is always highly valued. I sometimes have difficulty talking about the way I feel exactly, but what man doesn't have trouble in this regard? Furthermore, I do not have a hard time picking up on other people's emotions when I am talking to them. Though, like some with Asperger's, I seem to be easily angered by others, especially when they are loud, ask me too many questions, or demonstrate through their actions irrationalities. I find the irrational that exists in me and in others to be painful, almost. All that stated, I do seem to have a propensity to unintentionally offend those that I talk to. I should readily gage a man or woman’s character before I go about spouting my blunt opinion, but it seems like the one thing I cannot do, despite the fact that I know what I am doing.

Now, back to the discussion I was having with my shrink (such a funny word, that one is). One of the main reasons why she believes that asperger's is a realistic possibility is not only because I am analytical, and reclusive, but also because I am self-critical to unnatural lengths. If I do not have a situation to stress over, I will find one. The amount of anxiety I feel in every aspect of my life is excruciating, and because I am so used to feeling it all the time, I seem to cope with it well enough. It was only a few months ago when I went through a brief period of catharsis, with no stress at all, that I realised how grave my feelings are most of the time. Though I am hard-headed and stubborn, all of my actions are riddled with self-doubt and confusion – like a sort of hyperconsciousness. I don't really know, I ramble on into wild tangents far too often.

I just don't want aspects of my personality to be grouped together and reduced to a common label (how arrogant of me). Hopefully you fine folks will help me out here. It is going to be another month before I see the psychologist, and I do not really feel that I can wait that long. Even if I do not have asperger’s, it is really funny that my personality could be confused with it.

It's just a label.
Does it really matter if you're labeled or not?
I found that for me, being labeled didn't matter. I'm just me, take it or leave it.

I was first introduced to Asperger's about 2 years ago in my Child Psychology class. I came into class a few minutes late, and the prof was listing off characteristics of AS. I had never heard of it before, but I instantly knew that I had AS. It was as if he were describing me. My whole life, I knew that I was simply put- different in some way. I knew how I was different, but I didn't know that there were others like me. Or that all my little neuroses were part of something bigger. But this Asperger thing... it was a revelation. An explanation. An invitation to a whole new world- or planet, you might say. I had Asperger's Syndrome. I let out a sigh of relief.

Now, I have never been formally diagnosed, but I fit the criteria, and every formal online test I've taken has informed that that it is "highly likely" that I have AS. I'm planning on getting a formal diagnosis soon. I am going to ask for a referral from one of my psych professors (I received my BA in Psychology last Spring). If I get confirmation of having AS, I will let my family know, but for now, I have chosen to keep my little secret to myself.

But this is about you, not me.

First thing's first- it seems as if most people with AS fall through the cracks. There's plenty of people out there past middle age that have never been diagnosed. Most people with a 'mental illness' are undiagnosed- that's just how it is. It's hard to see what can't easily be seen with just a cursory glance. You have to keep in mind that even though you have (?) AS, you are still an individual. We're not all the same. The symptoms are going to manifest differently in different people. For instance, some Aspies are math wizzes. Others (like you and myself) loathe mathematics- I for one only took as much math as what was required in school. I'm normally an A-B student- but when it came to math, it was either a B or C. Anyway, there as levels of severity when it comes to those with AS- just like with any other mental abnormality. I don't have that narrow of interests. Sure, I have close to 1,000 CD's, but it isn't my only interest. I don't know everything about music. I'm not a so-called "little professor" when it comes to music, but I do know a lot about the bands that I like. But I also enjoy movies, and traveling, and photography, and writing, and talking with (certain) people, and numerous other "normal" activities. I think people over-emphasize the "narrow interests" bit. I suppose you could say that I have had narrow interests, but they have changed over time, from year to year. Hell, I was obsessed with legoes when I was younger and raising hamsters at another point. I've never been intensely interesting in any one thing while shrugging everything else off.

Just because you spend a lot of time alone, doesn't mean you can't be sociable on occasion. I can make friends easily, but on any given night, I'd rather spend a quiet night at home. Doesn't mean I don't go and and do things with friends on occasion. Most Aspies want some level of social life, we just... aren't that good at it sometimes. Kind of like a scrawny kid that wants to play football but isn't so hot at it. Just because you're a bit of an introvert, doesn't mean you don't need others. You're human. No man is an island. But yes, I hate small talk as well. Can't stand it. I always bring a book to work so that on breaks, I don't have to listen to co-workers ramble on about sports standings, problems they made for themselves, their hideous children, or God forbid- the weather. It has always seemed to me that most people speak just to hear their lips flapping. Why should I care what you had for dinner last night? It has no effect on my life. Why do you think I should want to hear this? And my God, what exactly do people say when they text or chat on cell phones all day? And this is just a tangent- but I really do not find most people funny. I happen to love comedy, but the sad truth is- most people are not comedians. No matter how much they think they are. I've heard that most Aspies can be blunt and rude, but I never say bad things to people to their face and rarely behind their back. I tend to keep quiet if a person is upsetting me. But I have a hard time controlling facial expressions. I couldn't fake a smile if I had to- which isn't the greatest trait to have working in retail, but... I get by.

Although I was always well-liked by kids in school- maybe in part because I never said anything bad about anyone- I had friends, but was not close to them. We would joke around in school, but I never hung out with anyone outside of school. I needed that time to unwind. And hell, I had siblings around, it wasn't like I was alone. I also never felt the need to have close friends. I was content, and hardly (if ever) felt lonely. This may be due to my upbringing though, as my father was in the Navy, so we moved around a lot. It's hard to value friendship when it seems temporary- almost disposable. You didn't touch on your private life, but I'll go ahead and say a little about mine so you can have a comparison. At 22, I've never had a girlfriend, and don't have much of an interest in getting one. You see, I have a hard time genuinely caring about most girls. I have had crushes, but they are few and far between. Long story short, although girls have always liked me, I rarely like the ones that show an interest in me. I always seem to go after the ones that show a fleeting (or no) interest. I'm starting to think that maybe I do this because I don't want an actual relationship, I just like the "thrill of the hunt". It's a girl's personality I tend to tend to fall in love with, although I'm not big on the "L" word. I think I've only been in love once, and it was not reciprocated. Perhaps this is just unique to me, but I hate flirting and flirts. I just don't know what to say- maybe it's a self confidence thing, I dunno. I'm sexually attracted to women, but as you can probably guess, I am in fact a virgin. I don't regret it either. I've had opportunities and have chosen not to take them. I'm not looking for sex from just anyone- it has to come from someone that I care about, and of course, who cares about me. So far... I guess luck hasn't been on my side.

It does seem that your thought processes are quite analytical, that's a big giveaway that you may be an Aspie. Also, Aspies are not "robots". We may appear at times to be stoic, we still have feeling and emotions, it's just that we don't externalize it as much as, or as well as others. Our minds tend to be rational and run mainly on logic, but yeah, we're not always the best at the subjects that you'd think we'd be good at. I guess it just depends on the individual. I know that I for one am self-critical, but I don't know if it's common for Aspies or not, although it seems like it would be. We keep turning stuff over and over in our minds until the guilt finger comes back to us. Anxiety issues do seem common in Aspies. And tangents seem to be very common for us. I keep saying 'us', but just keep in mind that we're all different. We're not the label, and we all have our unique neuroses. Not every little 'weird' facet of us is common to all Aspies.

I hope this helps. I did it for you, but I also did it for me. I am also coming to terms with the possibility of having AS, and writing about it helps. I wish you all the luck in your journeys, and I hope that if you are diagnosed that you embrace it and not push it away, cause you would only be hurting yourself if you did. Asperger's is not a bad thing, and don't let others make you feel that way. If you have any questions, etc... keep in touch.

Take care,

-Dean

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20. Like the other dude said, it's easy to slip between the cracks. But being introverted, living like a hermit, not liking smalltalk, being analytical don't necessarily mean AS. This is just my personal opinion, but I think the main thing that makes someone an aspie is their Imagination. (OK, there are three traits that technically define Asperger's: Imagination [being able to see things from other people's points of view, being able to predict what is going to happen next, etc.], Communication [picking up on subtext, nonverbal language, etc.] and Socialisation [selecting appropriate topics for conversation, understanding the point of apparently meaningless smalltalk, etc]. ASpeople don't see things from others' points of view very well, can't predict the future in the same way that 'normal' people can, hence the need for routines, basically we find it hard to step out of our own worlds and into the worlds of others; we don't understand nonverbal language, and so miss out on a lot of the hidden meanings in human interactions; we don't GET smalltalk [as well as not liking it], we don't know how to make conversation [although we can learn it. I, personally, have taken great leaps forward in this department recently].) I think that the problems in Communication and Socialisation actually all stem from our problems with imagination: we can't step out of our own worlds, so we find it hard to guess what other people really mean or what they are about to do. I think you need to ask: 'can I step out of my own world and into that of others?' If you can answer this question, you may be slightly closer to knowing whether or not you have AS. That's my opinion.

That is all.

I dunno. It seems more like Social Anxiety to me. But that can be co-morbid with AS. Your social abilities (whether you use them or not) seem too high to me. But I'm not a doctor or psych. Whether or not you have AS, you could still have a good time here. I think you would be a good addition to WP.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I was diagnosed at 13.

Have you taken the Aspie quiz?
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Thank you all for the replies. Though I doubt the validity of online quizzes, I'll take it just to get a better idea of my situation.

"Your Aspie score: 125 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 86 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"

I redid the test to make sure I'd get a similar score:
Your Aspie score: 116 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits

When I did that test, I read aloud the questions to my GF as I answered them. More than once, when I would start to say 'no' or 'hardly ever' to something, she would say "yes, you do". I admit, it was somewhat eye opening, and eventually led to me admitting to myself that I have AS.

And really, I think it's a mistake to look at AS as a BAD thing, necessarily. Sure, maybe you don't look people in the eye or ask girls to dance a lot, but being smarter than most ppl has to count for something, eh?