High school is destroying me

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I'm in year 9 in Australia at the moment, and everything's just such a struggle. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next three-and-a-half years until I graduate. The challenges I face with my Asperger's, plus the depression and anxiety I'm struggling with, just makes it so hard to keep everything together. I'm actually doing pretty well academically, but it's just so damn difficult. I'm struggling to stay motivated, I can barely manage to do homework, I'm really stressed most of the time, the social expectations are too much for me to handle, the curriculum is incredibly dull, I don't have many friends and the friendships I do have are all pretty volatile.

A few of my friends no about my diagnosis, but none of my teachers or anything. I don't want them to know, and I don't want to be treated differently to everyone else, but I think it might be my only option if I want to finish with the scores I'm looking at. I'm not very good at staying organised, meaning it feels like I'm often forgetting stuff I need to remember, leaving books at home, etc. I have terrible time management, meaning I tend to get more homework that I can't focus on or get the motivation for. It's not just school stuff that I'm struggling with, but that's a lot of it. I'm just struggling to keep going.

My first two years of high school I was really anxious all the time. Now that's eased off a bit, and I'm drowning in depression. Towards the end of primary school I was doing okay, but now it's all fallen apart. I've very recently had a couple of sessions with a counsellor at school, which for some reason I find a little bit annoying, but it's probably a good idea to get help with my mental health, as every day of school feels like it's sucking the life out of me.

How do I get through all this? I want to get an education, and to go to school so I can do the things I want to do in life, but it feels like it's killing me. With the state of my mental health, there are honestly some days where I feel like ending it all. I don't think I ever will, but I'm just trying to keep going and do what I need to do.

Please, if anyone has any advice, let me know.
Rachel
P.S sorry for the long rant

Definitely tell your teachers. They're probably trained in how to deal with all sorts of kids, including kids with autism. And because they know you already, they won't think any differently of you. In the US we have Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) and something similar called 504s. I don't know if Australia has anything similar but you could check. It's an agreement between your parent(s) and the school to provide accommodations, such as aides, extra time on tests, being exempt from certain activities, etc. You might need accommodations, which could mean you being "treated differently," but you do what you need to do to get by (disclaimer: within reason) and if other people think it's weird that's their problem. The people who matter won't care.

I just wanted to say that I've been there and know exactly how you feel.

As long as you stick it through, you're going to be just fine - it gets better.

If you're not already doing it, I strongly suggest you access help from your school's Special Education System.

Don't be afraid that people will judge you for it.

You may be surprised to know that, as long as you don't tell anyone, very few would actually know.

It was a life-saver for me.

In Year 9 the SEP gave me a note that I could show to teachers at any time during class that gave me permission to leave and go to the SEP building. Once I'd get there, they'd help find a part of the building for me to study alone in absolute peace.

I also had one class with 3 sessions a week (each class = 3 sessions/lessons per week) that was an SEP class and, again, existed purely as a study class to help me keep-up with work.

Still, even with all this extra help, I'll admit I essentially flunked 9th grade in results.

I had little motivation for the majority of work, but really did try my best in some classes.

Not sure what state you're in, but in QLD, it's very unlikely you'll have to repeat a grade or anything if you fail, and your results in year 9 have very little, if any bearing on your future when it comes to Year 12, Uni, etc.

Unless it's an absolute disaster, say straight E's or D's, you probably wouldn't have to repeat.

Otherwise, I only just scraped low C's for most of my classes and got Ds and Es in others.

But that of course doesn't mean you should be satisfied with failing. I encourage you to do your best, but at the same time, do not beat yourself up too much if you fail. Instead, learn from your mistakes.

The first half of Year 9, I did not submit a single assignment in English class, resulting in a D. The second half, I submitted every assignment and succeeded in passing.

The social issue is more complicated but I'll probably be back later to give advice on that.

Hey Outrider,

Did any academic counselors ever try to help you? Did they try to light a fire up your butt? Yep...just like my school system! I had a few teachers who gave a damn--but most only cared about discipline in the classroom when I went to junior high. I got decent grades--but I was also getting thrown out of a lot of classes.

Luckily, I didn't go to a public high school. I bet you would have thrived in the right environment. Same as the OP.

If I were your dad, I would have tried to be a good dad, and not be frustrated with you.....but if I would have known how bright you are, and that you're getting these crap grades nevertheless, I would have tried to do SOMETHING. Would I have succeeded? I don't know....but a decent dad would have at least given it a try.

I just can't see you getting E's and D's and F's, somehow. It doesn't make sense. How come you didn't hand in ANY assignments in that English class?

unfortunately, yes, if a teacher doesn't make a real effort to enliven the material, it's going to be hugely dull. Sometimes even if the teacher does make the effort, just that he or she lacks the skill.

Mark Twain once said something like, don't let your schooling interfere with your education.

And one thing I'd like to preach is the circadian cycle and up energy periods. For example, even though I tend to wake up relatively late at 8am, the first hour before breakfast, I have the most energy, am the most productive, etc. So, I'm a morning lark, regardless of when I wake up. Other people are night owls.

So, maybe add free positives.

Use some of the up energy periods for schoolwork at a medium to fast clip. Maybe use other up energy periods for listening to music, for fast free reading, or any other activity of your own choosing.

I also have not found counselors and mental health professionals to be helpful. Too many, it's like they have a religion they're pushing. It's like they really want me to believe something. The conversation is flat and passive. Why don't you just let me be me? That's what I say. So, if you find them annoying, you certainly are not alone. In fairness, other people here at WP have had good experiences. But, all the same, if I had to put a number on it, I'd say a third of counselors are helpful, and two-thirds aren't.

I have struggled with depression. Have not yet tried anti-depressants, although they are kind of my ace in the hole.

As I have read, sometimes the first anti-depressant doesn't not work, but there's a pretty good chance one eventually will. Just that everyone's biochem is a little different, and it's trial and error in a respectful way. It does take about 4 to 8 weeks to tell if one's going to work.

It's also important to phase down in a series of steps, even if the medication doesn't seem to have been working. Just that your body may have gotten used to it. Even if the side effects are really bad, maybe go down to half dose on your own and call doctor and make an appointment as soon as you can. And just tell the doctor, the side effects were really bad, I went to a half dose on my own, sorry, but I had to. Hopefully, it won't be like this, but having a plan helps.

---

Now, they do give a warning on anti-depressants for teenagers that in some cases, or in rare cases, may increase suicidal thoughts. To some extent, they're covering themselves with legal liability and all that. But the way to be prepared I think, is the approach of zen meditation. Neither try to hold onto the thought nor try to push it away, for either one would just give the thought more power. Instead, just observe the thought with 'detached' interest. (a favorite word of zen devotees! which I think means you're somewhat interested, but not all that interested)

As an adult, I could probably get a prescription for an anti-depressant from an internist or a family practitioner, that is, someone I think of as a regular doctor, or from a psychiatrist. In a good way, it's kind of my free choice.

As a teenager, you may be able to get a prescription from your pediatrician, or former pediatrician, or from your regular family doctor. Or, they might want to refer you to a psychiatrist. You might find a more biochem oriented psychiatrist who's not all that big a believer in counselling. If they really push that you do counselling, you might have to shop around and hopefully find a pretty good one.

Good luck whatever your choices! We can all use good luck along the way.

Rachel, my experience of high school was similar to yours. I managed to finish high school because of my mother's absolute determination that I would. I suppose it's better that way.

May I ask you - are you bored because you're ahead of the work? In that case, can you do home-schooling for at least some of the work? Maybe you don't need a teacher; maybe you can take a textbook and do it yourself, at home. Of course your parents would have to be in on it - maybe agreeing to homeschool you when they can't.

I think it would be so good for you to get out of there, get away from all that stress and foolishness.

How is your memory? Can you read a history book and answer questions on it? I remember that I could - much better lying in bed with the book that listening to some bat-brain high school teacher.

Please disabuse yourself of the idea that high school matters. I know everybody's jumping on your head about how important it is, but it's not. Although within our society, it is better to finish high school. But not if it's going to ruin your life, which is what it sounds like it's doing.

I played hooky for 60 days between Christmas and June, and I still got straight A's. My marks went down in school and up if learning at home.

Are you being told the high school is necessary for socialization? It's not, for me anyway. It's great for people like my niece who is a flaming extrovert, loves people and noise, and is very athletic.

If you can take up swimming, that might help, because (as I have found) the increased pressure of water comforts me in the same way that a weighted blanket does. Also, maybe get a weighted blanket - peace at last.

Please let us know how you are coming along.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all your support. I'll try and take some of these ideas on board. Hopefully some of them will help me to get through the next years. My attitude is pretty much that all the gossip and drama, popularity, who broke up with whom, etc., doesn't matter at all and that the only important thing is the score I get at the end of year 12. Thing is, I'm currently hoping to do astrophysics at university, so for that I'm going to have to excel more than it feels like I can with my current mental state. I'm not sure I like the idea of antidepressants, but I might just have to grin and bear it if it's all that'll let me function. Right now, I'm coping okay with the workload, although I don't think it'll stay that way as it ramps up in the later years. The topics we're covering in the curriculum just bore me because half of them aren't of interest to me, and the ones that are we do in so little detail at such a basic level. Then there's all the stress of trying to stay organised, coping with everything and trying to keep it all together. It's really hard. But I'm trying to get through it.

Thanks again for all your support,
Rachel

You're very welcome. Glad we could help, if only a little.

One thing I figured out rather late in life is that my preferred intellectual style tends to be narrative / case study.

Whereas most math and science classes seem to be taught in abstract categorizing / definitional style.

So, I've kind of learned to translate my own way.

If your counselor is not a good fit, you might
A. Check on a different Counselor
1 in the States they have Counselors assigned by students name. Some students find checking in with a non assigned counselor helpful.
B. Does your school have a social worker? or community based counselor available!
C. Clubs - anime to chess to ?? might provide challenge and or amusement

Hey, don't ever give up, because you can give so much more to the world, and this high school s**t is just one phase of a whole set of lessons which you will learn growing up.

I'm also an Australian like yourself, I know what high school here is like. Which state are you from? I've lived in so many different places here, that I can probably relate my experiences directly to you even if you didn't tell me.

Unlike you, I got my diagnosis very late, sometime after becoming an adult. Though, I met a group of friends who at the time, were aspergers sufferers like me. We had a really good time, but I also had friends from other groups.

I had a lot of experiences bullying in high school. Kids were really mean, I got my ass kicked by several groups on multiple occasions. Though, after some time, the sensation seekers are weeded out of the system, particularly after you graduate, things get easier. I assure you, and you will feel more at ease in the world. You have to give it time though. Though, now I am doing well at university, and am doing a top of the class honours degree and they are almost nowhere to be seen. Popularity doesn't mean success in society.

If I could have changed anything about high school , it wouldnt ever be the high school environment , it would be my outlook of all of it. I was so shortsighted, much like my peers (even though I didn't realize at the time), by not what opportunities I didn't have but what opportunities I refused to partake in and which people I refused to appreciate it (usually those dorky kids I ended up with or at the time I saw was 'stuck with'). If you can appreciate and be engaged with these people who are there, and be satisfied with them, things will open up, and opportunities will come to you.

Seek connection, but also difference. What ways are you different from others? What ways are you the same to them? For some reason, listing these out helps me with reconnecting with the things I love, and that can serve as motivation. So High school cannot destroy you, if you are doing what you love.

Appreciate your differences. What ways are you different from others? Find out what you are, and wear it. It will help.

Above all else, you must be true to yourself. Be true as in, tell yourself exactly what you are feeling and thinking, and what you think you need to do, how you view others, even if you cannot tell them that.

Also be true to your teachers, meet up with them outside of school and homework and management issues, and tell them you need help. I did this and it didn't require me disclosing any diagnosis. What it did was in fact, open my mind to the importance of education, and how this is really all we can think of when it comes to learning, and that if I learn this now, one day, I may be able to not just follow a syllabus, but maybe even make a part of the syllabus!

You're in year 9, but you've got a long way to go, and a lot of lessons which you will learn, but so does everyone, even your teachers. Because they were students once too, and if anything, they are still students! Just like you.