Considering disowning your child?

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d_a_l_j
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11 Mar 2017, 12:19 pm

Parents with kids on the spectrum, how close have you ever got to disowning your child?

I ask because (and I haven't made this up) when I was younger, me, my father and my brother were having fish and chips when Dad lashed out and said to my face, "You're not the daughter I wanted. I wish you weren't born!" It was just a typical meltdown of mine that led him to make this comment, but I m not sure exactly what caused the meltdown, if that makes sense. (I have meltdowns more than most)

But I can't deny that I was wounded by these words. This was after I was diagnosed, I can't remember exactly when this particular episode took place, but this just demonstrated his inability to accept me as autistic. I'm still his child, I just wasn't made the same way as my brother or sister. It's nobody's idea of the unconditional love expected of parents.

I wondered if anyone else, any other parents of kids on the spectrum, had had these feelings? Or if any other people on the spectrum suffered this as well?



ASDMommyASDKid
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11 Mar 2017, 1:56 pm

I am going to put this out there, as a possibility, not knowing your dad. Meltdowns can be very frustrating for those around the person having it. It is possible your father was frustrated and said something he does not mean. Raising autistic kids can be a good deal tougher than raising an NT kid, depending on what is going on. There are autistic kids who are very docile, but even then there are different challenges b/c sometimes it can be extra hard to keep the docile ones safe.

It may be what your father meant was that at the time he said it he was feeling overwhelmed, not really that he wished you were never born -- Which of course there is no excuse for him to say that to you, but if you have meltdowns you know, sometimes emotions get away from people. (I am not justifying what he said, at all, only explaining what it might really mean)

Neither of these things are the same as wanting to disown someone, which is a different thing.



d_a_l_j
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11 Mar 2017, 5:08 pm

Thank you. It's always nice to hear a reassuring voice.



somanyspoons
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14 Mar 2017, 12:30 pm

My mother once wrote in her journal that I was unloveable. Then she left the journal open to that page on the dinning room table, where I and anyone else in the house was sure to see it.

Sometimes, parents do horrible, horrible things. I think it's pretty normal, although certainly not acceptable.



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15 Mar 2017, 2:02 am

d_a_l_j wrote:
Parents with kids on the spectrum, how close have you ever got to disowning your child?

I ask because (and I haven't made this up) when I was younger, me, my father and my brother were having fish and chips when Dad lashed out and said to my face, "You're not the daughter I wanted. I wish you weren't born!" It was just a typical meltdown of mine that led him to make this comment, but I m not sure exactly what caused the meltdown, if that makes sense. (I have meltdowns more than most)

But I can't deny that I was wounded by these words. This was after I was diagnosed, I can't remember exactly when this particular episode took place, but this just demonstrated his inability to accept me as autistic. I'm still his child, I just wasn't made the same way as my brother or sister. It's nobody's idea of the unconditional love expected of parents.

I wondered if anyone else, any other parents of kids on the spectrum, had had these feelings? Or if any other people on the spectrum suffered this as well?


I think your father had problems of his own.



CockneyRebel
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17 Mar 2017, 11:17 pm

My mum disowned me for three days last February for wanting to wear a German helmet. She couldn't stand that she found out that I was never her Anglo-Canadian princess to begin with. I told her two months later that I was keeping a secret about my preference for Germany over Britain that I was hiding since I was 12, and I can't or won't reach the standard of maturity that she expects from me to grow up and be a *gag* woman when she knows I'm transgendered. I also took a long break from my parents from the day after Father's Day until the second weekend in September.


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timf
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20 Mar 2017, 3:38 pm

I wondered if anyone else, any other parents of kids on the spectrum, had had these feelings?

Both myself and my three children were not very lovable. Apsergers makes one disconnected, critical, opinionated, inflexible, willful, easily frustrated, and undemonstrative in affection. The burden of rearing children is usually compensated for somewhat emotionally by gratitude, affection, and respect. It is the lack of demonstration of these more normal emotional expressions that often make parents weary to the point of regret in having children at all.

I know I have caused that feeling and have received it. As a parent I have to remind myself to say “I love you” to my children frequently and to persevere in spite of little demonstration of affection and even frequent demonstrations of contempt. It can be frustrating and painful even to the point of tears, yet it is my hope that I can give them a better foundation than I had and some better skills at surviving in the world than I received.



smudge
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20 Mar 2017, 3:48 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
My mother once wrote in her journal that I was unloveable. Then she left the journal open to that page on the dinning room table, where I and anyone else in the house was sure to see it.

Sometimes, parents do horrible, horrible things. I think it's pretty normal, although certainly not acceptable.


That is really horrible.



JustinsMom
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21 Mar 2017, 7:07 pm

My son has Autism and can be very difficult sometimes but i would never tell him i didn't want him. Here is the reason why. When i was 13 my Mom was angry and told me she wished she had never had me or my 2 brothers. As an adult I understand she was angry and had kids too young and felt trapped. But it doesn't make me want to forgive her for lashing out at me. Alot of parents get overwhelmed and lash out without really meaning what they say. I love my son more than anything but it is hard to sometimes not feel like why me. Why is my kid different. Why can't he just be normal. And then he says something so funny or out of the blue gives me a hug and i wouldn't change a thing. Your father didn't mean what he said, he was just overwhelmed and couldn't keep it inside. Do better than me and forgive him. :D



burnt_orange
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22 Mar 2017, 5:31 am

My mother tried to put me out of her house twice. Once when I was 5, because I missed my father. She started throwing all my things in trash bags and telling me to go live with him. It still hurts.

Once when I was 15 and I cursed at her after some drama. She told me to get out of her house.

I wasn't easy to live with but still, I was a child and I don't think I deserved that. I don't think mom ever has realized that there is something wrong with me. She just thinks I'm mean. I don't talk to her about autism, or much at all really.



BiPAutMom84
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25 Mar 2017, 4:15 pm

Yes... but it's not a real feeling. It's a passing emotion.



Last edited by BiPAutMom84 on 25 Mar 2017, 4:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BiPAutMom84
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25 Mar 2017, 4:17 pm

I have to admit that sometimes I've felt the same way, and its only when I'm so overwhelmed emotionally and absolutely exhausted. But I love my son more than anything in the world and want nothing for the best of him. I think all parents do. The times I've felt this way is not because I don't want him or am ashamed of him or who he is, it was more of me feeling like I don't know how to be a parent of a child with autism and I feel like someone in a better situation would do a better job with him. But the love I feel for him is absolutely there, a level so deep its indescribable. I'd gladly die a horrific, painful, drawn out death to protect him. When he hurts, I hurt. And when a parent can't help the hurt a child feels, the pain we feel is immeasurable. Atleast in my case it is.



BiPAutMom84
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25 Mar 2017, 4:24 pm

I edited my first post I don't know why they both posted



HelloWorld314
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09 Apr 2017, 2:07 am

I was disowned by my biological father; I disowned my step father; I attempted to disown my mother but she ended up breaking down at my proposal so I still acknowledged her as my mother to avoid hurting her feelings.


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MagicMeerkat
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10 Apr 2017, 3:32 pm

My dad threatened to disown me when I wanted to move out because my mom was being abusive.


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