I wish I could just shrug this off...

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A little background....

My son who is 4 has high functioning autism (possibly aspergers). He attends a developmental preschool in the afternoons from 12:30 to 3. We had a girl coming to the house M-F to watch him in the mornings while I worked. We felt he was getting bored with that because she did not provide much interaction so we found this ministry at a nearby church. I loved the 4-5 year olds room there. There was so much for them to do, TONS of materials to work with. The teacher always had something new for the children to do, she really was a crafty busy body lol. We signed my son up in November and he really loved going there. He would ask if he was going almost every morning.

I did let them know of his diagnosis, and they said that they didn't think it would be a problem. They did have a low ratio like 4:1. The teacher was always friendly to me and we would chit chat up until last week I noticed she had a serious tone. She never shared with me any concerns.

Now fast forward to this monday...The director approaches me about me having a meeting with the teacher. I agree and we have the meeting with the 2 directors and the teacher. They begin to tell me that Nate is aggressive with the other kids and that he doesn't seem happy with the teacher. I was taken back with this since I wouldn't describe him as aggressive. He did invade personal space of other children and carry on with things that they had moved on with. He has never attacked another child. Also, he is always excited to go! Then the teacher began to say that she is worried that she will damage him somehow if she treats him like the other children and that the other children are afraid of him!

The director tells me that I have 2 options. I can just bring him in on Tuesdays and Thursdays because they are less busy then (which isn't an option because I need to work on MWF also) and the teacher and assistant could handle my son better. Or I can absorb the cost of hiring another person to help tend to my aggressive, needy, non-cookie cutter son (they might as well have said this). The total cost would go up $50 more a week....now this is if they actually can find someone and really want him to stay there. .....I am pulling him out of that place mainly because I don't want him singled out with this teacher.

Sigh...maybe I am just sensitive toward my son. I just wish I could just shrug this off....move on....I mean I am not bringing him back there so I should just let it go... My son really is a sweet little boy and I have never had complaints from his developmental preschool teacher. I just don't get why they sprang all that on me.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

It does seem inappropriate for them to have said nothing until things were so out of control (from their perspective), that they were laying out such severe ultimatums. They should have been talking to you long before this. Unfortunately, private schools can do whatever they want, and pre-schools, in particular, have a reputation of doing just that.

Not knowing where you live, it is very difficult to give you any guidance about what to expect in the future, or how you might want to protect your son and yourself (if that is possible). Shrugging it off is probably not possible, but try to glean from this some useful experience: you will need to maintain closer contact with teachers, in a formal way, than you might have imagined. Even if you think things are fine, unless you get that information, officially and in writing from the school, you don't know that to be true. So now you know that you need regular, written updates on your son's adjustment to his school situation. You have also learned that your perception of your child, in his home environment, may be very different from a teacher's assessment of him in a school environment. You need to get thorough feedback, regularly, from the teacher, and it needs to cover all aspects of school life - his interactions with other children, his engagement with school activities, his relationships with teachers ...

Use what happened here to help you plan when you prepare for his transition to kindergarten and beyond. It will help you identify the concrete issues that will need to be addressed in his educational plan.

I sort of know how you feel. My son who is 4.5 has been attending 2 schools since he was 3 years old. He goes to special needs pre-k at the elementary school in the mornings M,W,F and a typical pre-school day care type place on TU,Th mornings. He goes from 7:45 am to 1:55 on MWF and 9:30 to 1:00 on T,Th. I am currently not working, so it is probably easier for me.

The first year at the typical school was great. They all knew about my son's issues. The teachers all love him, and I was so happy! This year, out of the blue, they tell me that my son is being very loud and clapping and singing during team time, and that he was having to be taken into another room because it was disrupting the other kids. I guess I was caught off guard, and it was upsetting to me for a couple of weeks. But what I realized is that these teachers aren't really trained to deal with some of our children's issues. Thankfully, they are working with me, and it hasn't escalated.

At his special needs school, his first year, they kept saying how great he was doing at school. So, I was heartbroken when I got his first report card that said that he was not paying attention, that he was pushing teachers away, not wanting to do certain things. Anyway, that threw me for a loop! But, these teachers are equipped to deal with these issues. This is what they are trained to do.

My son is my only child, and he is so special to me. We have been through so much together, and I am very sensitive about him as well. But, what I am trying to come to terms with, is that my son is diffierent. I am trying to develop a tougher skin about him so that I can deal with all of the issues that are probably going to continue for many, many years. I think we just have to keep looking for the teachers and the programs that are going to help our children become the best that they can be, whatever it takes----

My heart goes out to you---You are not alone---just keep pushing forward and trying to find what works best for your son. I hope this has helped just a bit!
Best of luck!

Does that ever bring back memories.

Preschool is tough for the simple fact that it is private school and they don't have to deal with anything they don't want to. And what they don't want to do is take the time to learn how to make a few adjustments for your son. I am really sorry about that, and hope you can find the best solution for your wonderful child.

Whatever happens, don't let anyone convince you your child is anything but wonderful, because he is. I think that was my biggest problem with the preschool issues: the implication that something was "wrong" with him or with us. There isn't anything wrong, just something different, and when someone knows how our kids think and accomodates that, the behavior issues can pretty much disappear. The issues are the fault of the school, not yours or his. Remember that.

I was thinking about it, and it may be worth it to you if you wanted to keep him in a morning program, to find a therapist that could go in, and maybe work with him a little to maybe pinpoint the issues that he is struggling with. It sounds like you are definitely finished with that school, but maybe if you found another one, the therapist could give you and the teachers some insight. I actually hired an OT to go to my son's typical daycare for just 30 minutes a week to work with him. She coded it as occupational therapy, and my insurance did cover it. Just a thought.
Good luck!

Hello,

Just wanted to chime in because we had a very similar issue with our son recently. He's 6 and in public school and the issue was with one of his afterschool program activities. Even though we've been dealing with this for years it really took the wind out of my sails. Still not sure why, but I guess because it was a reminder that he is not typical and can not do everything everyone else can. Yes, I recognize that he will be able to do much more one day.

It sounds like they had good intention but did not have the training or education to manage your child. I agree with whoever said that you need to keep in frequent contact with his teachers and it sounds like you thought you were. I learned when my son was about 3 or 4 that they tend to act differently at home and school. I was stunned when his teachers reported high anxiety and aggression when he never exhibited this at home.

Does your child work with an OT? If so, you might ask him/her to speak with the school and administrators about how to manage this behavior. Or you could do so yourself. You child may have been needing deep pressure (like a weighted vest or a long strong hug) or some other kind of sensory input but was not able to understand or express that need. People who work only with typical kids would not know how to deal with a meltdown, for example, or know how to manage his aggression.

I don't think of my child as a "special needs" kid, he's just him. But unfortunately the world needs to put everyone in a box.

Best,

Thanks everyone for the responses. I have been a lurker on this site for awhile and I knew I would get great responses from the people on this site

I am going to look into the OT suggestion. I will see if I can get a private OT (seperate from the developmental preschool) to come and help Nate.

Had the same problems. I really feel for you. Keep looking for another daycare setup. Is there a Project ACT in your area? They can make suggestions to daycre operations to improve the situations for special needs. Sometimes a home setting really is best.

Ahhh, brings back memories also! I had the same situation in a private preschool when DS was 3 or 4, which was supposed to be an inclusive environment. I had to bring in a shadow which cost alot. If you can afford it, it's not a terrible idea to try. The shadow can help model alot of appropriate behavior and help DS interact successfully with other children. Or, you could try to find another preschool environment that has had experience with similar kids and are willing to give your DS a good go. Because I think, for any child, it can take a couple weeks for a child to get used to their new environment. One or two days is not a good enough effort, in my opinion.

Another suggestion would be to have him stay at home in the mornings but perhaps hire another person to "play" with him - kinda like a developmental therapist. You could try to set weekly or bi-weekly goals for the two of them to accomplish. This way, you know they are not just doing "nothing" but are rather helping boost his social, language, or academic skills. I always find good therapists/babysitters under the education jobs section on craigslist.

I know it hurts now, and I hurt then too, thinking about how my son was different and needed additional support. Look at it as a learning experience - that you now know exactly what he needs and can let future teachers know what to look out for and how to best support him.

Also, I just wanted to add.

my mom told me I was kicked out of preschool for hitting other children. And I'm an NT parent - so it can happen to anyone!

This reminds me of when my son was starting at a summer preschool nearby a few years ago. We informed them of his condition in detail and they told us not to worry about it that he would be well looked after and taken care of. My wife received a phone call at noon on the very first day telling her to come and get him ASAP because "this is not going to work". So she left work to get him which was about a 45 minute drive all the way back to near where we live. When she got there they were very rude to her and told her that they could't "deal" with him since he was so "out of control" and that she would need to find another day care. So ...upset she asked for her deposit back and to make a long story short it was unrefundable. Not to mention how difficult it is to mind something once the sessions have already begun.

What happened was that since this was a summer school they were reliant mostly on head count. Once they realized they had the minimal "head" of children they just turned him and a few others away. This parish/county is really pathetic when it comes to "special" children so we go into the next parish where we work for his school.

True story.

I was kicked out of my preschool because I refused to socialize. At the time, AS as a diagnosis really didn't exist, but still. I'm sure they'd dealt with at least one odd kid before. Now, this story isn't quite the same, but it's from the AS kid perspective, and also deals with interaction, so I hope it's helpful.

When I was 14 or so, my stepdad's kid would constantly whisper things at me and my sister. Sis, being NT, would just ignore her. However, for whatever reason, I couldn't do that, so my response was to yell at her. Now, from the adult POV, it seemed I was coming out of nowhere and attacking her, when in reality, I was escalating a situation the adult's hadn't even noticed. In talking with other Aspie's, I've noticed this seems to be a common theme. We CANNOT let things go, even to the point of lashing out. In our minds, it's simple escalation, but to an outsider, we're the rude aggressive kid no one can control.

Now I know it's not much help with this school, but that's something the next school should consider. It's not something someone would expect, but that's how it was for me.

I think that frequently preschools don't want to look bad, so they accept a special needs child without really understanding what that child will need. Then, as small issues pop up, they gloss over them. Rather than informing the parents of problems, and giving them the opportunity to help, they'll ignore them, to make it look like everything is fine. The parent might even be excited about how well their child seems to be doing, since the teacher is all smiles and thumbs-up at the end of the day.

Eventually, the problems become more disruptive, as the child has more and more difficulty coping with the environment, so amongst themselves, the teachers label the child as a "discipline problem," or the parents as permissive, passive, terrible parents. Gossiping about the entire family is much easier than taking the time to learn about autism, or creating an environment in which the child can thrive. The parent will still be unaware that there's a problem because the school doesn't want to admit their ignorance in dealing with special needs children.

And inevitably, when the child has used his very last coping mechanism, the small things that have caused his "misbehaviors" in the past become the fuel for a major meltdown, and the charade comes to a screeching halt. At that point, the teacher will go running to the parent, citing the "danger" the child is to the other children, playing the martyr because they "tried SO hard to make it work," and they'll insist that the parent either pay for an additional staff member (who will likely also be just as ignorant) to deal with the child, or get the heck out.

I've been there too, and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your son deserves to be treated better than this. You, as his mother, deserve to be treated with honestly and respect from the people you entrust with his care. Don't just shrug this off. Learn from it, and move on to a better place. You know your little guy better than anyone in the world. Trust in that. (((hug)))