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Marla Singer
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20 Jul 2017, 5:53 pm

My 8 year old is struggling with anxiety. Mostly related to school. He's doing well, then he suddenly asks if there's school tomorrow and boom - melt down.

He doesn't seem unhappy when I pick him up from school.

Has anyone dealt with this? Did any particular school environment help or hurt?



ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Jul 2017, 8:51 pm

There is no telling what is going on here because anxiety can be caused by so many things and it may be a combination. I don't know how communicative he is, but you could see if he can tell you anything and also if there are friendlies at the school you can trust to give you an honest answer.

It could be bullying, general social failure, sensory issues, feelings of being overwhelmed, too long/intense a day etc. It is very common for there to be issues with schools and anxiety and the more open the school is working with you, the better. That is really the best indicator because they need to be able to work to figure it out and help mitigate the issues.

If possible, it would not hurt to observe the class for a day. Granted your presence will alter the variables and everyone involved will act differently with you there, but often you can still suss at least some of it out.



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20 Jul 2017, 8:57 pm

I forgot to add that there can be a delay in when he gets home and when he gives you the information and you can't always tell from initial mood. Sometimes they are thinking about something else, and sometimes it pops back into their brains at other times and they start reliving it, perseverating on it and getting upset, hours or days later. I am still finding things out every now and then from kindergarten and my son is 12 now. He is not upset, and they are not necessarily bad memories; but it is fascinating that I am finding things out still, from so long ago.



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21 Jul 2017, 7:11 pm

One possible thought:

My son used to make plans in his head for what he would do based on what he assumed about the day or the timing, and would get upset if he found out there were things on the schedule that would interfere. I wonder if this is similar. In case it is, I wonder if a cross off calendar could be helpful: mark the days there is school or some other scheduled activity, then mark each day as it happens so he can see what is up for the next day and how many days there are until no school. It may help him prepare himself better.


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24 Jul 2017, 5:44 pm

Marla Singer wrote:
My 8 year old is struggling with anxiety. Mostly related to school. He's doing well, then he suddenly asks if there's school tomorrow and boom - melt down.

He doesn't seem unhappy when I pick him up from school.

Has anyone dealt with this? Did any particular school environment help or hurt?



I also had anxiety from school and it was because kids wouldn't always follow the rules, kids would act up in class or not show up and that would make it harder for the teacher and for me because it would change the whole class, I didn't always understand the assignments and I didn't want homework so I would be worried about not getting my work done and falling behind, kids not understanding me. Even being picked on in school would give me anxiety and being rejected in 6th grade and I had social anxiety around kids who didn't like me and who judged me and made fun of me back when I was in the third grade so I didn't want to be around them at all and avoided them as much as I could. Then we moved and I had anxiety about kids picking on me because I would misinterpret them whenever they did things like blocking my eye sight in the hallway while going to class. My anxiety was so severe in junior high, I was in the resource room for almost all my classes because i thought kids would pick on me and also because I thought I would fall behind in school and not get help with my school work anymore.

I would also ask him about school and why he doesn't like it and why does it upset him about there being school. It could be kids picking on him, people not understanding him, classrooms being too loud or chaotic, sensory issues, being rejected and not fitting in.


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Marla Singer
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24 Jul 2017, 6:41 pm

Thanks everyone. We've asked my son what is upsetting him. We've asked him so many times, I feel bad asking him again because he feels like I should get it already and I must not be listening. I'm listening. I'm trying. He can't really articulate it and he's frustrated. I get that. He is very verbal but can't describe what is wrong.

Based on all of the advice here, I contacted someone - a BCBA - who says she goes into the schools and observes to see what's happening. When I am there, it changes the dynamic - my son focuses on me and wants to go home and focuses on that and nothing else. I want someone to blend into the background for as long as needed to get a fix on what is distressing him.

Next we'll see if the school will allow this person in to observe the class, but that's a fight for another day.

Thanks so much,
Marla



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25 Jul 2017, 9:56 am

Hopefully the school will not give you a hard time about having an observer.

My son used to assume I could read his mind. Autistic people do a lot of self-talk in their heads, often times, and can sometimes not realize people cannot hear it, if it does not come out of their mouths. This is often the bottleneck, because it really can be hard for them to convert the thoughts to speech. Something happens long the way that blocks it. He really did assume as default that I knew things that I did not, and it also made him very frustrated.

I don't know if this will help you, but I kept telling my son I could not hack his brain and other people could also not hack his brain. (He likes computers, so he knows what hacking is) It was a low-key way to explain things to him, that would make him smile instead of getting more angry. It took a long time of reinforcing that message (and some actual development gains in communication) but he does a much better job of explaining things now.

Public school was a really terrible thing for us and it really is important to find out what is going on there, when there are issues, so even they make it difficult I advise you to be persistent with the school in terms of allowing the third-party observer.



Marla Singer
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07 Aug 2017, 6:32 pm

The school threw us a curveball at eligibility by announcing they want to add a categorization for emotional disturbance. Even as they are insisting on discontinuing autism services for my son. Since my son's anxiety is a product of ASD, we are not agreeing to this additional category without some evidence that this is warranted and will have some benefit for him.

We are now working with neurologists, psychologists and lawyers to find out what my son needs and how to get it. If we can stall long enough, we may get an in-school evaluation by a professional who does not work for the school and can render an objective opinion. Otherwise, we will go to due process with what we have.

FWIW, I have NO issue at all with the ED "label." I truly don't care. But autism, in itself, is not an emotional disturbance, and his anxiety about being a person with autism in a public school strikes me as entirely appropriate.

Thanks for all who replied.

Marla Singer



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07 Aug 2017, 8:17 pm

I suspect with an ED label they will treat your son very poorly. That is not what it should be, but that is what it probably is, especially given that they want to discontinue assistance for what he actually has: autism. I would try to fight it for sure.

The kids with that label in our school district were segregated from the general population pretty much completely. They were not allowed to participate in school activities and basically treated like mini juvenile delinquents. Proceed with caution.



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08 Sep 2017, 3:46 am

Perhaps it's just dreading, like I had with homework as a kid. Once I started doing it, it wasn't so bad, sometimes it was even enjoyable, but before I did it, when I had a lot, I felt this dread and never wanted to start. Try and make every step of it fun for him for now, and train him to make every step of things he dreads fun for himself.