Aspie Dad trying to parent a 'NT' teenager

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I didn't find out about Asperger's until I was 35. (I'm now 41). I have two daughters at home one a 14 year old 'NT' teenager and another 11 year old child with broad spectrum autism.

From going to the conferences, reading the books on autism, ect, I discovered Asperger's; which since I've had a diagnosis with myself. So my 11 year old and I are very close and we think in similar terms- although I'm 30 years older than her and male.

It's parenting my 14 year old 'NT' daughter that is causing me concerns. She won't listen to a thing I say, I can't get her to do chores around the house, (my younger daughter is fully cooperative and helpful). I keep telling her, 'your 14 1/2 and you will be a grown woman in 3 1/2 years; but you can't cook yourself a meal, do a load of laundry, fold cloths, wash dishes or clean the house. What are you going to do when you're suddenly an adult and you can't take care of yourself' (I'm ignored).

Today we had a fight where my wife had to intervene till I could cool myself down. She demanded that I wash her cloths seperately from all the rest of the laundry. I said fine, but you'll have to seperate the cloths and do the washing yourself. (Its not like she's slaving over a washboard- we have a fully functional washing machine with all the gadgets). She said 'oooh- you want me to dirty my hands sorting though the rest of the family's dirty clothes to get mine out and WASH THEM MYSELF!'

They write books about parenting children with austism, but they need to have books for Aspie's parenting 'NT's' as well. I would read a book a week at her age, my younger autistic child reads a lot as well, but my 14 year old won't read anything unless it is assigned to her at school. Again I say to her; you want to become and adult and not know anything? She always wants to be out with her friends, something I never experienced as a teen and I can't relate to. She wants money for concerts, the latest fashions, the must have trendy things. Again, I can't relate because none of those things have ever been important to me. (And usually the money isn't available, so I'm cruel because she has to do without).

I've provided a middle class upbringing, a nice home, adequate clothing, always food in the house, entertainment, even put cable TV in her room to get her from sleeping on the couch in the living room each night. (Everything else we tried to do to get her from living in front of the TV and back into her room had failed).

I'm at wits end and the 'problem' teen years of driving, partying, drinking, and boyfriends hasn't arrived yet. Can anyone suggest a book or references for the challenges faced by Aspies parenting 'NT' kids?? . -I suspect my wife is also an Aspie, so its a double whammy in not be able to handle her.

You sound like a great father. Don't give her money for everything. She has to do chores and earn what she wants. Have you tried telling her if she does chores, she can earn to go to concerts and get trendy things and latest fashions? Or she can get allowance from chores and use it to get whatever she wants?

ITA with PP. My father was a great father but he did not try to "reason" with me. He set boundaries and I had chores and responsibilites. If I didn't do them I wouldn't be able to get what I wanted. At 14, I had to get a summer job and he made me open a bank account so that I could save my money. I could also help out friends and family to earn a little money to do the things that I wanted to do. Looking back, that was probably one of the best things he taught me because early on, I learned the importance of work and how to manage my money. I plan on making sure my children have a job as soon as they possible can because I really believe working teaches a person so much.

First of all, your struggle sounds exactly like a neurotypical parent and a neurotypical teen - I think you may be well-served by standard teen parenting books.

You need to divest yourself of the idea that your daughter is going to view herself as anything but a victim no matter what you do and be prepared for her to react irrationally. She's awash in hormones and has no understanding of why the world is suddenly changing its expectations of her (I assume she has more responsibilities than she did when she was seven?) without offering what she thinks is reasonable compensation. I know this goes against all Aspie logic, but she is not going to understand no matter how hard you try to explain, nor how reasonable and logical your explanation.

This doesn't mean to be rigid and authoritarian, it means to be matter-of-fact and let the chips fall where they may - and one part of that can be that you'll listen to her if she can present a reasonable case for what she wants in a polite manner, but not otherwise. If she has no clean clothes, that's on her and not on you, she can tantrum and sulk in her room or she can move the clothes into the dryer and wash her own. (Side note - we once mistook my son's OCD tendencies for defiance. Just check that this behavior isn't a part of some legit problem.)

I should say here that I'm parenting a tween boy with AS and my husband and I probably have it, but I've worked with teen girls before: it's really difficult to be stuck in that interim space between childhood and adulthood.

I also am struck by how similar your descriptions are to another poster here, an AS young man 'parenting' his AS brother. Here's a couple threads you may want to peruse:

Living In Hell http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt194583.html
Just an Update: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt192960.html

I highly recommend Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-145- ... -book.aspx

Got to love teenage girls. I have a pre-teen myself.

Funny that your daughter thought it was OK for YOU to dirty your hands, but not her.

The message for all kids, including teenage daughters, is that family life involves tasks that need to be done to make living together more pleasant, and to make life more pleasant. Yes, clothes need washing, and yes us parents are often generous enough to see to that task so that our children can focus on their studies. But we've got jobs and responsibilities and and if they don't want to see mom or dad turn into the wicked witch or demon of the east, they will have to consider helping out sometimes.

So, if my daughter were to start complaining about her clothes sharing laundry space with ours, I would offer to buy her a hamper for her room and then offer to teach her to do her own laundry. I'd even be willing to buy her special soap if she felt that. Whatever it took to make the job acceptable to her and pass it off. The message I've consistently tried to give my kids is that I am willing to work with you to get you almost anything you desire, but I am not a servant, slave or employee - something has to come back, and you've got to help.

It is best not to engage in their dramatics. If you have trouble with that, just walk away from the situation. I've learned that the hard way. - don't play into or engage with dramatics and unreasonable requests. The less engaged I can be in the issue, and the more detached, the easier it is to find a realistic solution with my daughter.

Both my kids get an allowance that is considered "pay" for doing the "work" of being a kid: going to school and doing their best. Although the real reason we started giving it was so we wouldn't have to fight with them over desired purchases, and that worked super well. If they want money above and beyond what we long ago decided was plenty of play money, they have to do something to earn it. I've had no complaints from them about how we handle money; they both feel they have "enough" and aren't super far out of line with their peers, which is important.