Resenting decisions parents made in the past

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I wanted to ask this because I feel that my parents made certain decisions that I really don't agree with. My mother insisted on keeping my sister and me with babysitters until we went off to college. This wasn't just once in a while, when my parents went on an overnight trip. We were kept with sitters around the clock whenever my parents weren't home(they both worked full-time). I wasn't allowed to leave the house by myself without an adult to accompany me. Neither my sister or I ever did things like sneak out or party. To this day, I still don't drink or do drugs. I do remember feeling angry and humiliated about being kept with babysitters all the time. I was reluctant to make friends because if I saw them outside of school, I was afraid of having everybody find out that I was the only kid my age who got kept with babysitters. When I tried to cook my own food, my mother would run into the kitchen, physically grab things out of my hands, and shove me out of the way, insisting on either doing it herself or having the sitter prepare dinner for me. I've been able to cook successfully on my own when she wasn't around and I've never burned anything. My parents kept criticizing me about how I needed to be more independent, yet they did things that made it harder for me to gain independence. They sent me to a child psychologist for depression and anxiety(mainly due to family issues), and even the psychologist thought there was something off about being kept with babysitters at my age, especially since my dad had expressed such concerns about me not being independent enough or not being like other kids he knew. The psychologist actually had a discussion with him about whether or not babysitters were still necessary, and he tried to talk about it with my mother, but she was insistent that she wanted to keep hiring babysitters. She said it made her feel better to have control over her kids at all times.

Also, later on, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is also an alcoholic, with several other addictions(painkillers, gambling, compulsive spending), is no longer working, and is currently finishing an aftercare program for rehab. My dad has admitted that she has done many things that are not rational, and the entire family has been enabling her actions for too long. They have never had a happy marriage, and actually filed for divorce, but since my mother is no longer able to care for herself, my dad feels he is obligated to take her back even though they do not get along with each other at all. However, my mother keeps insisting that she needs to take care of her kids, even though we are both legally adults. Sorry if this sound off-topic, but I'm just adding more information to give a better idea of what the family situation was like. I still feel a lot of anger and resentment toward my mother, and I feel that my childhood would have been a lot more sane and stable if she hadn't been around. I feel like I would have become more independent and self-sufficient at an earlier age, and my entire life might have been better without her constantly trying to control and smother her kids, not to mention all the things she did while she was drunk or addled by prescription painkillers, and the way the whole family got affected by it and became a big, dysfunctional, codependent mess that required group therapy.

Did anyone else get kept with babysitters when they were way too old for it, or have parents who deliberately tried to keep you helpless and under their control? Even if they did not have any major mental or physical disabilities that kept them from caring for themselves? If so, did you eventually gain independence from a controlling family, and how?

I've been asking myself if much of my predicament is due to Asperger's or growing up in a madhouse.

Of course, it could be both. It's entirely possible for an Aspie to be born into a dysfunctional family the way NTs could be.

But I do say, "is it my brain wiring, or the crap I experienced growing up?"

Long story short, my father is over domineering, over controlling. My mother defers all thought and decision making to him. He thinks of himself as a perpetual "daddy." He never taught me anything about life, and still tries to monitor basic things, such as my last meal. He'll often say, "did you eat?" or "come eat dinner!" As if it's any of his damned business. He'll even say, in a facetious tone, "I have to make sure the little children are fed." He'll even refer to my mother a "mommy," such as "mommy's doing the laundry if you have any dirty clothes," even though I do my own laundry. In many ways, I feel as if I've been suspended in childhood for absolutely no reason.

I haven't broken free. At 29, I never amounted to anything. My brother, 27, and my sister, 24, aren't fairing much better. We're all miserable but see no way out. My sister was able to land a professional job doing something in IT, but she says it's glorified customer service. She's trying to save up.

So I can't offer you advice, but I understand the sentiment of controlling parents who stunt our functional growth through control and prevention as perhaps being the root of why we're so socially stunted.

@Levanah: It sounds like your mom has some severe mental health issues that were unfortunately played out in your family life. I wouldn't resent her as much as I would try to help her. Anger, while not an inappropriate emotion to feel in this case, is not constructive. It sounds to me like she has trouble dealing with reality and likely needs the help of a mental health professional. So, don't hate her for it but instead choose to be sympathetic to her needs.

I had guardians like that before, who deliberately tried to keep me under their control constantly. I started living with them when I was from 15 though (so I knew it wasn't supposed to be like that). Their tactics didn't work on me 50% of the time, because I would not put up with them. I already knew how to take care of myself and how to make my own decisions, I was more mature than they were.

I moved out that same year I arrived, because I couldn't handle it after the first 3 months. When I did stay there for short periods of time (2 nights a week or so), and later on for a more extended period of time, it became clear that nothing was going to change.

It took me moving out permanently, cutting all contact with them, and refusing to see them or speak to them for an entire year (this was when I was 17 - 18 ) before they accepted that I was an adult, and that they could not control me or abuse me (verbally & mentally, as well as sometimes physically) any longer. They have not raised a hand to me or tried to physically restrain me since. They still try to manipulate me and be very passive aggressive towards me when I do something they disapprove of, but most of that is subconscious and they don't realize they are acting like idiots, so I call them calmly on their crap and leave when they start doing it.

If you have grown up with that as your version of "normal", then I imagine it would be much harder, but it's definitely possible.
It also depends what kind of personality you have, someone who is independent, mature, determined, loves their freedom and is willing to stand up for themselves assertively whenever necessary, is going to fair much better than a more passive type of personality.

If you want them to accept that you are an adult, then you may have to "play hardball" with them. That means, at the first sign they aren't treating you like an adult - leave immediately. Make it clear to them by your actions, that you are not going to be around them, see them or interact with them unless your basic condition (in this case: treating you like an adult) is met. Repeat this behaviour until they actually start treating you like one. You can use baby steps (leaving) or later on, (only if necessary) you may have to take a major step (cutting all contact). At first they probably won't take notice, but if you are consistent (key point, you must be consistent or this won't work), they will start to meet your basic condition. They would rather interact with you on your own terms (and this a very reasonable basic condition), than not at all.

It's much easier to do this if you live independently of them. If you are living in the same house, that would make this much harder to do, although it should still be possible, you would just have to be much more vigilant about it.

That sounds pretty bad but I'd just say it's water under the bridge.

It doesn't sound so much like you are resenting decisions your parents made so much as you are resenting being raised in a household with an untreated alcoholic/addict with some major mental illnesses. That is a lot to deal with no matter who you are. You might think about checking out a group like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. From my experience at Al-Anon, I think you would find many folks who share similar experiences as you had and you might find a path toward healing and living your life independently and with fewer resentments. It sounds like the family you were raised in was very dysfunctional but that doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be that way. There is help out there if you reach out for it!

Right - I was also raised by controlling parents and I have real difficulty not resenting their choices as an adult. To this day, the house I grew up in feels like a prison to me, as I wasn't allowed to walk outside past the yard on my own well into my twenties. I had to basically enlist the help of a therapist to run away from home when I was twenty-two or so.

That being said, the babysitter issue in particular, while it seems odd, doesn't seem abusive to me. I see lots of kids who are middle-school aged and older who are left to their own devices for most of the day, and I don't see them doing as well as kids with more supervision. Most families handle this by getting their kids into outside activities, but a babysitter is one (yes, odd) way to go. In other words, you don't have to be an axe murderer to do better with a little supervision, even "good" kids can use some. Maybe if your mother had come up with a different way to frame it (for instance, if the person were hired as a housekeeper and cook) it wouldn't have bothered you as much. This is a tough one for me as a parent, because DS just isn't ready for as much independence as his friends get (and I don't think his friends really are, either.)

I also had the same experience in the kitchen - and now I write about food, cooking and create my own recipes!

I think Bombaloo is right: rather than one or two specific things, it's probably a systemic issue. Living with someone with an untreated mental illness and addition is enough. If you find you are on the spectrum as well (which I assume from you posting here) that can exacerbate it considerably. I wasn't as able as my friends to distinguish between my parents' crazy behavior and the things they did that were reasonable, and that set me back considerably in finding my way as an adult.

All I can say in ways of advice is to try to distance yourself from them...I have done much better in my life since I moved away from home.

Thanks for all the feedback. I actually am familiar with Adult Children of Alcoholics, and have discussed my family issues with a therapist. It wasn't just a few specific things like the babysitters, it was a whole way of life that was really dysfunctional. My dad has admitted that he feels much calmer and saner when my mother isn't around and he isn't forced to take care of her, and this affected his relationship with me as well. My sister said she has a lot of anger issues because she didn't have a stable maternal figure in her life, and that she had been hoping our parents would divorce since our teen years because the marriage was so dysfunctional. There were many times when I felt like I was being scapegoated or blamed for things that other family members did, especially my mother, but during the times when she was not living in the house, things changed and became much more peaceful, and the relationships between the rest of the family members were altered. The whole family seems to have been affected and distorted by my mother and her issues, which I understand is common in families of alcoholics or addicts. Seeing the big changes that occurred when she wasn't around made me think that all our lives would have been different if it wasn't for her, although I don't want to blame her for everything.

Also, my mother has done things that are dangerous to herself and others (for example, she actually set the kitchen on fire at 2 AM because she tried to cook while intoxicated), and it was a huge relief when the rest of the family finally agreed that something needed to be done and an intervention needed to be held. I did visit my mother in rehab, but although she has stopped drinking, she still has other mental illnesses she doesn't seem to be willing to acknowledge that affect her behavior and impulse control, which is why she is unable to take care of herself and my dad feels the need to take her back even though he admitted he doesn't want to. It is still hard to let go of the anger I feel and forgive her, even though I know she isn't really in control of her actions.

I also grew up in a household with super controlling, dysfunctional parents and untreated mental illness. Our situations are different because I started systematically refusing to buy into all the rules and to reject the unbalanced/abusive behaviour at about age 15. I am not sure this was the smartest way to go about things. I ended up homeless for awhile and in all sorts of dangerous situations. I never thought I would have any relationship with my parents as an adult, but I do. My dad has made a lot of changes. My mom is still very difficult to deal with, and it is a tricky relationship to say the least.

I still have a lot of resentment for things that have happened in the past. I've worked on trying to forgive them, because I feel like that's the right thing to do, but honestly it is hard, and I am not sure I'll ever be able to be at peace with some of the miserable, selfish, unloving things they did.

My best advice is to become fully independent -physically, emotionally, financially, and socially. And then from that place of complete independence, you can choose how much of a relationship you want or can tolerate with them.

I consider myself lucky that my parents weren't the controlling type as they encouraged me to become independent, and when I needed to learn from mistakes, they let me make those mistakes. They also expected me to go to college, and eventually get a job and move out. They understood that my Asperger's, combined with the recession made it harder than usual, but they still want me to be as independent as possible. They also made sure I got a driver's license as it meant I could take any job and not have to rely on a bus schedule or anyone having to drive me anywhere. There is a rail system, but it doesn't go everywhere at this time, so it's not as convenient as driving is.

I had childhood friends who also had disabilities whose parents were extremely controlling, and I think that when those parents die, those people are in for some serious hardships. I'm surprised that those former childhood friends were allowed to move out and live with roommates, but they will never be able to get married because nobody would want their parents as in-laws as they would ruin things for any potential spouse, as they would never allow them to live like most married couples. One of those friends is legally blind so he could never drive, but the other one could have gotten a license, but his mom decided he was incapable of driving. I think she just didn't want him to drive because it would make him too independent.

This is why I said on that thread about that 18 year old that the parents should focus on helping him get a job or on SSI, and having the goal of him becoming independent. I don't want that person to end up like those childhood friends who aren't able to fully function in society because their parents limited them so severely.

For the past 2 years we started to give our Aspie son (now 13) increasing opportunity for alone time, and responsibility. He can make 2-3 basic food items, sandwhiches, eggs, toast, tea, pasta. He does all his own laundry, he was able to spend an hour or two in the house without us while we were working. Or he could ride his bike all through town for 3-4 hours at a time. We made sure that he could board an airplane and take a short flight as an unaccompanied minor last year.

That all changed last week when we found out that he has been using that liberty that we gave him to get access to marijuana. We don't partake in that in our household. He's been told that he should get a medical marijuana card by the kids at school.

While I don't particularly care for the marijuana lifestyle for adults, whatever they want to do is their business. But our son is only 13 and it is not something that we feel he should continue to be exposed to at this time in his life. Oh how I wish I had been a little more protective, and a little less liberal with fostering his independance this past year. It is something I regret. Parents don't get a guide book when they bring home a baby. We all just find our way in the dark. Somewhere between what we have done and what your parents have done there is a happy medium, but I can tell you that I'm positive your parents love you and they are motivated out of love, to make sure that you are safe. And they have done a better job than I of protecting their charge. Sigh.

First most parents, even when doing these things, do not have in their mind.. im going to make my teens life a living hell. Most parents are scared to death that their children are going to do drugs, get into major trouble, fail in school, get pregnant, etc. All things that have a lasting life long impact on them. All parents want for their children is for them to be safe and happy. No one wants their children to do things that lead them down a path of self destruction. When you have a parent who has mental health issues, its difficult. But be understanding of those issues... your mother most likely did NOT want to do those things. Just like being a parent of a child with special needs is difficult. There is no manual.

Keep in mind, that transitions for some parents from kids to pre-ADULTS is a difficult transition. Having to let go of your kids, is a hard process that I would hope most parents do not take lightly. Families with mental health issues, special needs issues, etc. are NOT typical families. They can't be.

We all have different ways of dealing with those transitions. I try all the time to let my kids have some independence, but I can tell you from experience that finding the balance of appropriate limitations and freedoms is difficult. Parents want their kids to grow up slowly, and transition into situations that are age appropriate at the right time. Teens just want to get there as fast as they can.

But.. I suggest you find a functional family in todays world. As I thought about many families I know, when you get right down to it they all have problems, issues and are in my opinion dysfunctional to some degree.

My daughter, while didn't get into drugs, did find herself in a pretty bad situation. She used to be able to go to the library with friends, movies, etc. I had some pretty easy to follow rules set up. She broke them all, snuck around and ended up in deep trouble. She is now paying the price, and gets angry all the time that she doesn't have the same rules as before. I told her, you think this is bad wait until you pull something like that and your an adult. You won't have the luxury of being in a nice home, with food, internet, etc.

They will make mistakes.. but man... would it be nice if they didn't

Aspiewifeandmom; be glad your son got into it now when he's 13 and it's still a teachable moment.

My room mate in college is a caution to everyone who believes in helicopter/over protective parenting.

He was an honor role straight edge student in high school, because his parents kept him on a tight lease.

He got to college, and within 2 months was smoking pot every day and ended up failing out of college.