Yelling when frustrated

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When DS7 gets frustrated, he often yells out or screams. Sometimes it's just a fake cry, other times it's blood-curdling. He's old enough that this will be a significant problem for playdates and friendship. What can we do to teach him how to handle frustration more appropriately?

Give him words or alternative behaviors to express himself. I'm a teacher of young children who often haven't been taught the skills to express themselves appropriately. When responding to them while they are upset (if they are not too far gone), I try to acknowledge verbally what they are feeling. "I can see you are very disappointed/sad/angry/hurt/etc." That way they are hearing and learning the words needed to express their feelings.

An important thing to keep in mind is not trying to access their response if they are in full-blown meltdown. They can't take any incoming information at that point. Just wait for the meltdown to end and later address it when they are calm. Trying to correct behavior during a meltdown will not only be ineffective, but may escalate the meltdown.

However, if it's not full-blown and he can be responsive, you can acknowledge what he is feeling with words that he can later use to express those feelings, then you can add a corrective along the lines of ... "I can see you are very frustrated. You were trying to do _______, but _______ happened. When you feel frustrated like that you can take a deep breath and tell me in a quiet voice, "Mom, I'm frustrated. This didn't work the way I wanted it to. It makes me feel angry." Maybe then I can help you fix the problem."

I would work on taking deep breathes with him. Tell him when he's not in a situation that upsets him that you want to talk about and practice what to do when he gets upset. Then model for him what to do in a frustrating situation. Let him see what it looks like. Then ask him to practice it with you. I recommend taking 3 deep breathes slowly. Then after the third breath suggest what you want from him. "Now, tell me in a calm voice/quiet voice/indoor voice what the problem is."

Also important, is remaining calm while he is losing it. It gives him a model and it keeps the situation from escalating.

I hope this helps.

Also, praise, praise, praise! when he tells you in an appropriate way what he is going through. Tell him explicitly, " I loved how you stopped yourself and took a deep breath!" That made me feel so happy."

And if things start going well, ask him how it feels. e.g. He's stopped himself from yelling, took a deep breath, and told you how he feels. See if there is some way to solve the problem, then ask him, "How does it feel to talk about the problem without yelling? Did that work out better this time, now that you talked about it. It feels good to use words to tell people how you feel." (Hopefully, it will feel good for him, and you can create awareness of that for him and acknowledge it.)

Not overeacting when frustrated is something that's extremely hard for me. Finding out that AS can cause that really explained a lot when I was dx'd. It's not a lack of understanding how to react or knowing what I should and shouldn't do thats the issue. The issues is when I get frustrated I can literally lose control over showing emotion. I've learned to control it somewhat by actually constantly reminding myself to "stay calm" when I'm in situations like that, but for it to work I have to keep reminding myself of it beforehand.

Recognizing the potential for frustration is very important for me to be able to stay calm. Usually I'm pretty good at it, but the more frustration builds up, the harder it is to stay calm. Maybe try explaining how that works to him and practicing situations that you know beforehand will cause frustration can help. Practice is the only way to be able to do that, in my experience.