Teacher Conference and My Son

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Then again, there's the other side of the sword.

No one has named the devil (yet). Teacher wants me to have his hearing and vision checked. These things checked out fine in September, but I will have them checked again (and the vision may actually be legit-- six is about the age retinas start going all bumpy in our family). I remember going through this as a kid-- I would be off in la-la land playing with paper dolls in my desk, reading ahead in the book, thinking about looking at the teacher... whatever. I could hear fine; it didn't get processed. I kept having trouble with that all the way to high school. Once we were expected to take notes, I was fine. I kept my eyes on my notebook, doodled in the margins if I wasn't writing something down, and life got very, very good for me indeed.

I don't know if they don't see it, or want to eliminate every other possibility first. If they want to eliminate every other possibility first, what does that say about their attitude?? Are they apt to look at him as "one of those children"???

I'm tempted to name the devil myself. They know me at the psych clinic at Allegheny General; they are very good people and definitely know their way around a spectrum.

But-- do I really want to do that to him??? After some of my nightmares, I wondered and weighed this-- in more than one thread here I think-- before Sandy Hook. Never mind now that someone slapped a +10 on the stigma factor (f**k you again, Xavier Amador-- I get the impression you were trying to defend the Lanza kid with the whole "something missing in the brain" schtick, so actually, f**k you twice, and I hope the DSM4-TR goes down in the annals of psychiatry as the worst guide ever just because you worked on it, and by the way my uneducated Asperger's daddy was waaaaaay smarter than you).

I know I'm right. Not fear-- KNOW. Water runs downhill, the sun rises in the east, bears crap in the woods, and the kid is on the spectrum.

Atypical symptom set-- more the symptoms you see in girls than the ones they are used to looking for in boys (at least until he hits puberty, which we'll cross when we get to it). They may or may not pick up on it.

I'm worried about their attitude here, though if they turn out to be too foul there is in theory every private school in Pittsburgh at our disposal (not to mention homeschool). I'm also worried about where-ever we might end up next-- this location is an until-the-old-folks-are-gone thing and then nobody knows where we will end up. Probably back out West somewhere (maybe Wisconsin, maybe back to Arkansas) as both of us actually liked the libertarian culture out there better than the nanny state they've made out of the East.

Speaking of nanny states and libertarians...

Do I bird dog it in the hopes of getting him the understanding and the intervention he needs?? Or do I remember that they didn't understand enough to help me much, that there's still so much they don't understand, so many ways this can burn him, and now so much fresh stigma, and keep my mouth shut???

My heart leans toward the former. Let's all play with all the information here. I want them to know all there is to know about my precious one.

My head leans toward the latter. The system has been my ally once (though granted that was pretty much here); it has been my adversary time and time and time again. They probably don't know enough to help him; it is going to be trial and error for them as much as for me, and I'd rather struggle with AS alone than struggle with AS alone while simultaneously fighting the system with one hand tied behind my back (that would be the one where I am just his mother and retarded too and therefore anything I have to say is treated as invalid).

Figuring out the right thing to do as a parent can be tough. It involves a little heart and a little brain. But, mostly, its your gut instinct. Gather all the information (very important step), and then follow your instinct. At some point, heart and brain must align; when they don't, you don't have the right answer yet, some piece is still missing. Having the right answer doesn't mean you won't worry and move forward on a wing and prayer, but your heart and your brain should stop fighting when you've made the best possible decision you can.

We've been lucky. We're in a good school district, and I click with the professionals we have to deal with. But even in this generally great school district, not every parent has had great results: so much is individual, how things line up on their little checklists, and how hard they decide to fight for you when the many gray areas get ventured into.

When you see someone going the extra mile for your child, and invested in your family, RUN WITH IT.

Another fight with my husband.

"You stop that kid from getting bullied on the bus." "You teach that kid that he needs to shut his mouth." "You do something about it." "There is nothing wrong with him." "What is wrong with that child??"

How much am I supposed to be able to fix, and how am I supposed to do it without giving anyone any information that might be taken in a negative way or asking anyone for help, ever????

My head hurts. I feel like crying. I would never wish I hadn't had these kids, but right now I'm wondering what the hell made me think I could do it. Surely a neurotypical mother would have it all under control; of course, if I were NT, we wouldn't have half these problems.

I'm being half-sarcastic.

Our school, in their infinite wisdom, sent us to a family therapist back when they were avoiding the real issue of my son's AS. This did nothing to improve my son's needs, of course, but it did give us time to sort out the issues you are bringing up now. You are right, we primary caregivers are frequently between a rock and a hard place and it sucks.

Sometimes, having a neutral third party help point that out makes your home life a little easier if it is within the realm of possibility.

Already got one. Every few weeks I drag the whole dang family to see my therapist. The kids like her and are about due to go-- I need to remember that and schedule the next appointment for a Saturday.

Hubby is on his best behavior when we're in there. It's an entirely different kettle of fish.

I understand his fear of labeling the kid-- nobody understands that better than I do. I'm the one who's lived through it (though I'm sure watching me shrivel up and almost die was very stressful for him, and that probably has a lot to do with his resistance).

It's-- therapy is a bad thing. It's for people who "have something wrong with them." There is "nothing wrong with his kid, nothing wrong with his wife, nothing wrong with his family."

And-- there is nothing wrong. There's nothing actually wrong. We're perfectly fine NaTs. Really lovely specimens of Homo sapiens aspergensis. But we are at variance with the majority, and we do need to learn strategies to cope with that in a world that is made by the majority for the majority where we are going to be judged against the majority.

It's good to know I'm not the only one.

Yup, totally with you. Fortunately, in my case, DH wasn't really struggling as much with the label issue and is more than likely also on the spectrum, so we kind of embraced the idea as a family. .

Doesn't mean that we don't still have those moments where we are all at loggerheads, and all of us having that autistic rigidity bulldogged single-mindedness can be a very, very serious issue.

Fortunately, the same thing is an incredible asset once we are all pointed in the same direction, so I've learned that my role is trying to get everybody pointed in the same direction somehow. Sounds a lot easier than it is, especially since I tend to frame things in I'm right/you're wrong just like everybody else in my family.

My experience in my community has been that AS carries less of a stigma than other neurological issues, or other ways of describing kids on the spectrum - it isn't fair, but it is what it is, and at this point we'll take any advantage we can get as long as we don't step on anybody else while we're doing it.