Step Parent to 8 year old Autistic Child,,,,,NEED HELP

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Oh where to start.
I have never checked out any of these forums before. I am failing as a husband and Step-parent.

I need help to understand and to interact with my step son.

My wife and her ex had a autistic child together. We will call him M.

The ex takes M on Sunday night and drops him off on Tuesday late afternoon.

M is unable to speak, unless prompted. Gets up set and screams over minor things. Which I know are major issues for him. Just started to learn to poop in the toilet this past year. I can't be in or near the bathroom. If I am, he will pee his pants or poop himself and gets upset. That is one hellva a challenge when I am in the shower or on the toilet myself.

He gets OT 3 times a week, used to be more, but due to his age and funding, we had to cut that back.

It all started a few years back, I was able to play with him. I was the cardboard monster, M would feed me cardboard, I would chew it loudly and then cough it up. He that is was the greatest thing.

Would play blocks with him and he loved to build towers. We would play catch, kind of. Chase each other in the school yard.

M is unable to go to school, because of his disability. Unable to interact with any other child.

I kinda of understand M can't handle changes. Which I have provided plenty of.

It is no longer him and Mommy. When we moved into a new house together. My jobs have taken me out of town weeks at a time. Then home, then gone. Got laid off of that job. Had to pick up two jobs to make ends met, as Mom is a stay at home mom. Well I just got laid off of my jobs again this year. Due to moving Plant operations to North Carolina. So I am now home all the time.

Here are some of the issues I need help with.

I hug her and he needs to force himself between us. I have my hand on her lower back and he tries to pull my hand away. We talk in the kitchen, while M is in the Living room, he will come into the kitchen and starts screaming and hitting the wall, fridge, himself. I stop talking and he is fine.

M can be watching a movie or playing a video game. I enter the room. He starts screaming and yelling. Throwing things and hitting himself or coffee table or the wall.

I look in M's general direction and this starts a melt down.

He won't eat, unless I leave the room. So there is no chance of eating at the table at the same time, at the moment.

I touch him, pat him on the back, ruffle his hair, hug him, he runs upstairs and he will turn the water on, get on dress and have a bath. 3 bath's in one day is a little much.

I have been told and instructed to play with him. Lego, feathers, rolling the ball, swings, and even the slid. It works find for a few times and then stops. Either by him or me.

Now I did work a lot, up at 5 am and home at 8pm, Tuesday to Sat. So that may have caused a few issues in it self.

M is costing me money to boot as well. M smashed a 800$ Picture Window, thing is huge. Has broken closet doors, put holes in the drywall.

When he is like this, I hate him with every fiber of my body. But when I sneak a quick glance when he is writing or singing his ABC's, counting, trying to sing to Rock Band, it melts my heart.

I conquer the Universe each and every day for M and my wife. I don't stop at anything to make them happy.

But I see that I am the issue and I am withdrawing into my work more and more every day. I can't take his melt downs any more. I am getting tired of them. I want to help in any way I can, but it always crashes and burns each and every single time.

I some how became the EVIL PAPA. I would catch M throwing things in the house, balls, Lego and even hot wheel cars. I tell him to stop. He climbs up on the counter with his dirty shoes on, I tell him to come down and Papa will get it for you. He tries to get the juice out of the fridge and I would help him, M hadn't mastered the fine motor skills to accomplish this, he can do it on his own now.

I have been informed that to become the GOOD PAPA, I must say yes to everything he asks for. Mind you that has bitten me in the ass on more then one occasion. Example, time to eat dinner, he asked me to have ice cream instead. Go outside to the playground in a storm. Then the big one, which he hasn't caught on, thank goodness, M asked mom for something, she said no, he asked me and he got it.

If any one has any idea's that can help me with this, I am more then willing to try it out.

Thank you for your time.

You're doing quite fine, but I suspect you and your wife are not completely on the same line, and that's were son's making things more difficult, children pick up these parental conflicts unconciously.
It's somewhat natural the mother is protective, but talk it over and over to find a common line of approach.
Protectiveness is also fear-inducing, with children it's neccessary to learn to grow confidence, and don't let the child make the rules (by meltdowns and bad behaviour) with is often a sign unclear boundaries that brings uncertainty.
Discipline is also structuring and giving safe boundaries from with to explore, it is here that you'll have to come up with some rules (about timeouts, or other measures of distraction from a situation) you can both agree with.
And you can read more here on wp for better ideas, it's not hopeless , good luck to you all with that!

Aww, man, sounds like you need a hug before any advice. I am so sorry it is so hard now. My son is more high functioning so I am not as familiar with handling low functioning autism. However, i would agree with traven that getting on the same page as your wife would be highly beneficial. Our little guy with HFA is very good at figuring out who will give him what he wants, and can use that to his advantage pretty well. We have a rule that if Dad says no, you don't ask Mom the same question to see if you get a different answer, and vice versa.

Do you work with a therapist or social worker who could help you with some of these things? My thought is that M should not be pushing you away each time you try to hug your wife either. While he has his difficulties, other people have the right to live their lives too. He needs to learn to respect the relationship between you and his mom, even if he doesn't like it. But with a low functioning kiddo, i don't really know all the details of how you might go about that. I know my son is capable of understanding situations where he needs to respect a person although he might not like it. I don't know what M's capabilities are in this.

Can you and your wife get some time to take a break too? Even just a lunch away every few weeks or something? You probably need to build some time into your schedule to take a break from the constant pressure of M. We don't have as stressful of a situation as you; but even so, we have built some times into our schedule where each of us in our household gets a break from dealing with the autistic view of life. We love our little guy dearly, but it is a high maintenance, high stress way of life at times.

Hope this helps.

Wow; that's a lot. Thank you for reaching out for help, on behalf of your stepson and wife.

I think you are probably eligible for free support from the state. Call the local school district and explain that you need parenting support and training, respite care and home education. If your child can't be educated in a school setting, it's still the school's responsibility to educate him to the full extent that is possible, including sending help to your home.

If that doesn't work, reach out to local charities and faith-based organizations that support families of disabled kids. Call the Autism Society if you aren't finding anything where you are.

You are struggling with an impossible number of personal and disability-related crises. This seems incredibly difficult because it is. Hang in there, see if you can find help.

As for your stepson, change is incredibly difficult for a child on the spectrum, especially a nonverbal child. One of the tools many people use to communicate change is a visual schedule or a social story. These may give you a little stop-gap help; if you explain your schedule or your reasons for not giving him ice cream, etc. in a logical way with visuals, it may make things easier.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/361343570073870028/ (If you make something like this that's flexible enough for you to add the times when you leave and come home, that may help)

General ideas: https://www.pinterest.com/search/boards ... al+stories

I am going to add that autistic kids can be more expensive than NT kids to raise, and it is just part of the package. In addition to any therapies they tend to be rough on things. They tend to be rough on things/ break things at higher ages and therefore they are stronger and can reach more stuff. You just have to get into the habit of putting expensive things out of reach until they can handle them with care or won't be interested in grabbing for them. Sensory things/adaptations can often mitigate some of it, but they can be rough on chairs (sometimes nubbed sensory cushions help) ans are often very tactile.

I don't know why it never occurred to me that Lekotek applies to kids on the spectrum (D'oh!) but you might see if there is a local chapter that can help you: http://www.lekotek.org/lekotek-sites/le ... iate-sites