Tawaki wrote:
I mulled this over a bit before I answered.
Before you do anything, I would suggest you figure out why you haven't told him until now. It will be a really hard sell "autism isn't bad, it's just different", when you haven't said boo in 10 odd years. If it is just different, nothing to be ashamed off, why have has it been the elephant in the room?
You can tell a 3 year old he has autism. "You have autism and your brain just thinks differently." The child may ask questions or go back to playing. A statement of fact that is age appropriate. As the child get older you can expound on the statement.
You now have a depressed 15 year old. Teenagers HATE being different. Instead of having 12 odd years of gradually dealing with a issue, you withheld information.
Who knows how your son will accept the information. He may just look at you or blow sky high. Books are great, but I think you really need to do this in a neutral party's place. His therapist, doctor....whoever. You will need someone to diffuse the situation if things get out of hand.
Mainly because the first thing I would ask is why didn't you tell me earlier? Where you ashamed? If autism isn't a big deal, why drop this on me now? Didn't I have the right to know? Hoping I wasn't autistic?
Saying you didn't want to treat him different, protect him, keeping his life as normal as possible is great, but in the next paragraph saying, "Autism is different not bad" instantly negates everything you said above. If my condition isn't bad, why withhold information?
If he's anything like the Aspies I know, they know they are different. My husband was diagnosed at 50. That is a totally different deal. Your son has been getting help. He knows he is different. I have a hard time believing he knows absolutely nothing about his diagnosis, but I'll take your word for it.
It also opens Pandora's box of what else haven't you've been telling him. He may have a tough time trusting you.
I'm not busting your chops, but thinking you can plop down with a book and explain his diagnosis away is a naive.
Figure out why you haven't said anything until now and go from there. I think the issue will be more about withholding information than questions about the diagnosis.
Hoping the diagnosis will ease your son's mind.
Sometimes, you simply have to accept that you are going to make your loved one really upset. That there might be some acting out upset. If there's a doc or a shrink or something that can be on "his side" that's fine. But if whether you do that or not, there's a certain amount of acting out that you can simply expect to happen when you are rotten to someone you love. No matter how pure your intentions are, it's gonna hurt. And there is no way to come clean without it hurting.
I hope this matter is settled and this family has solved this issue by now. If his parents keep avoiding being honest with their son, they are the one's who need the counseling, to get over their own anxieties.
17 Jan 2017, 9:50 am
