Can you please give me some advice

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bd30938
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24 Oct 2017, 11:49 pm

Hi all,

I am a father of a son with autism, he is 8 years old and non-verbal.
We tried everything we could but he has not made progress towards speaking.
His mother has grown very frustrated and we have constant battles at home, and have not been on talking terms for years now.
She stays at home with him and I go to work during the day.
We have talked of getting divorced and she says she will leave us and then I have to take care of him.
As much as I love my son, if I have to take care of him I would not be able to hold on to a job.
The main problem is I cannot leave him in the care of someone while I work, because if someone mistreats him, he will not be able to tell me about it.
If I really have to take care of him by myself, what are my options?
I dont want to simply drop him off at a school where they go through the motions and he doesnt learn anything.
I can spend some money for quality learning at home if needed, but how would I ensure his safety at home with a caretaker or teacher, and still be able to go to work? We dont have any extended family who are healthy enough that we can count on for this.
Can you please give me some advice? I am very worried about this.

Thank you in advance for your help...



bunnyb
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25 Oct 2017, 2:20 am

Hi there, I'm really sorry you and your son are going through this. Maybe you could put which country you are in as services vary wildly between countries.


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traven
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25 Oct 2017, 3:46 am

several problems,
maybe the wife's fed up and bored
if you plan on taking someone to do what she did,
maybe that could be done without divorce, she might take up a job, as well
if that's the plan for after the divorce,



magz
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25 Oct 2017, 4:05 am

Tough situation.
Is there any suitable special school in your area?
Maybe you could develop some other than verbal communication with your son? Sign language or AAC? The AAC applications I saw were based on pictures, your son may learn to use it on his own.
I think it is worth a try, then you could hire someone with less stress.

Maybe your wife needs not divorce but rest.


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bunnyb
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25 Oct 2017, 4:46 am

I don't know if anyone has ever talked to you about assisting communication. This is an article on apps for non verbal kids.

https://www.noodle.com/articles/expert- ... ith-autism


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ASDMommyASDKid
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25 Oct 2017, 11:20 am

I wish I had better advice for you. My son is verbal and I still was never sure what was going on. I have heard things later that while never rising to actual abuse, would have been things I would have liked to have known and addressed at the time. One of the many reasons I home school.

If you can figure out a way to make your wife happier in the current arrangement --that may be the best. It is sad for a marriage to be dissolved for this reason. It can be very isolating and can be emotionally draining esp. for NT women, if she feels trapped and has no socialization outlets. I am not NT so I have very minor accommodations for myself, but an NT woman might need many more. You will need to talk to her about what she needs in a way that shows you care for her well-being. She may need weekends and holidays off, for example.

If you have to get paid care either for a single parent set-up or to provide your wife respite, I suggest cameras all over your home. I can't think of any other way to be sure, if it is not someone you know and trust.



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28 Oct 2017, 3:45 pm

You make the assumption that any caregiver you get is likely to mistreat your son. I question how true that is. You would definitely have to seek someone with unusual credentials, and further, train the person. But I know there are wonderful child-loving people out there who could work with an autistic child.

If your distrust of strangers is the only thing keeping you from getting in-home help now, I think you need to own that as your own anxiety, and work toward getting a caregiver while you still might be able to salvage your marriage. Never mind the distrust of strangers, it may well be that your wife's limitations and stress level are making her a less-than-ideal parent and even holding him back. He might actually progress better with someone else!

I do sympathize with the powder keg that you describe as your home life now, with your wife threatening to abandon both of you, and you at your wits end how to proceed. I agree with other commenters that you need to show her you are concerned about her emotional health and not just your son's. Have a heart to heart talk and see if the two of you can work towards a better solution than abandonment. I promise you, to be abandoned by his mother would be a very severe trauma in your son's life course, so that is not something you want to have happen if it could be avoided.


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bd30938
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30 Oct 2017, 9:58 pm

Thank you to those who have replied so far. I am in the US for those who may want to know.

We are talking with some resources and thinking of hiring someone to help my wife take care of him.
Will consider the assistive devices, we put them off thinking he would not feel the need to talk after using those.
It is intolerable living with a wife who verbally attacks me every day, but when threatened with abandonment, I dont seem to have a choice yet.



loobyloukitty
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04 Nov 2017, 6:16 pm

Hi Sorry to hear your having a tough time. there is support out there. i really would concentrate on your son's needs and hopefully she'll sort herself out. Your both probably feeling very emotionally drained.

I'm sharing a link which may give you a starting point on how to find a way of communicating with him. Its very important that you are able to do this as any support he may have at school etc will only be temporary and when this ends. You and him will struggle even more.

https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/2013/03/19/seven-ways-help-your-nonverbal-child-speak



eikonabridge
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05 Nov 2017, 10:42 am

loobyloukitty wrote:

The first item mentioned there is:1. Encourage play and social interaction.

What do you do when you see a crime being committed everyday on millions of children?

Since 1943, which was when autism was officially introduced to the world, we've been committing that crime everyday, on millions of children. We force our children into underdevelopment, intentionally. And the number one culprit is: "autistic children need to socialize."

I am just thinking, if we haven't started down that route, autism would have been removed from DSM's list of mental disorders a long time ago.

I see parents busying themselves everyday, seeking play dates, filling up their children's calendar with social activities. To the point that their children have zero minute left in their daily life to learn and develop, visual-manually.

I mean, which one of you draws picture and writes, in front of your children's eyes, everyday, every night?

- - -

Two of the biggest lies about autism are:
(1) Children need to learn to talk
(2) Children need to socialize and make friends

When parents devote all their energy into these two aspects, guess what? They get exactly the opposite of what they want to achieve for their children.

The plain fact is: for a person to get a job, make a living, have dignity as a human being, and become a contributing member of the society, this person does not need to be able to talk, nor to socialize or make friends.

That is the plain fact. Don't believe me? Ask anyone that is deaf and mute. Or blind on top of that, like the case of Helen Keller.

Development has nothing to do with the ability to talk, or to socialize.

- - -

The example I most like to cite is:

1+2+3+4+... = -1/12

Yeap, the sum of all positive integer numbers is negative one twelfth. And you thought you knew how to add numbers? Google for "1+2+3+4+... infinite sum" and see for yourself. Yeap, all famous mathematicians will tell you that that's the right result.

Sure, I could talk to you all day long on renormalization of quantum field theories, artificial neural networks, or p-adic numbers and Riemann's Zeta function. Guess what? It's all noise to you. You would get mad. Anyone that is bombarded all day long on things that they don't understand would go crazy. Don't believe me? Go live in a country where no one speaks any of the languages that you speak, and see how well you do there. Yet, that's exactly what we are doing with our autistic children: bombarding them everyday with noises that they cannot comprehend.

The thing is, the fastest route to teach your children to talk and to socialize is.... by NOT teaching them to talk or to socialize. Counter-intuitive? You bet. Just like the sum of all the positive integers turns out to be a negative non-integer number.

Autism is not a disorder. These children are not sick. They don't need any enhanced effort on our part to make them verbal or social. All they need is intellectual development. As long as they are intellectually developed, they will talk, and socialize. Don't flip of the order of things: intellectual development will lead to verbalization and socialization, not the other way around. Think about it this way, even if your children never talk or socialize, but if they do get a job, become independent, and contribute to the society, then, wouldn't they be better off that way?

The fact is, Helen Keller learned to communicate exclusively by touch. She was deaf, mute, and blind. Before she learned to communicate, she had severe tantrum issues. After she learned to communicate, she became a smart lady, earning the respect from the entire world, for generations and generations.

Parents need to free time up from their children's calendar, so that parents can truly communicate with their children. Imagining if Helen Keller has been growing up in an environment where she got play dates after play dates with normal children that did nothing but talking to her. What would she have gained from all those play dates? What Helen Keller really needed was someone who had the patience to communicate with her, teach her to read and write, all through touch. In the case of autistic children, it's so much easier than the case of Helen Keller. You only need to draw pictures and write down words in front of your children's eyes, especially at bedtime, when they have already calmed down.

So many parents would think they are so clever, and would go out and get high tech gadgets and cut and paste colored picture images. Nope. It's not just about visual input, it's also about manual output. You need to draw and write in front of your children's eyes. Low-tech devices like pen/paper, blank index cards and magnetic drawing board, work out much better than high tech gadgets. Why? Because children get to see your ELBOW. They get to see how your elbow moves, and develop a positive, warm feeling about drawing and writing. That's how you teach them to generate their own manual output later. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR ELBOW. Stare at your elbow: that's how you truly communicate and build bonding with your children.


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bd30938
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11 Nov 2017, 12:09 pm

Thank you for the information you have provided.



DW_a_mom
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13 Nov 2017, 6:18 pm

Definitely abandon the idea that providing other ways to communicate will hinder speech. Whether or not he ever speaks is not something you can force by withholding other forms of communication. Deal with the priority: communication, period, regardless of form. EVERYTHING will be easier if he can communicate.

Is the strategy on issues like speech something you and your wife fight over? The protocols often are; each parent can get very locked into their mindset. But, there really isn't a lot dispute on the protocols, at least not here. You have to meet someone with ASD on THEIR terms, not yours. We can try to help you devise strategies for communicating with your wife, as well, if necessary.

Without a doubt your wife could use some respite. I don't doubt that she is acting intolerably right now, but she is also breaking. She may be a different person when she is no longer in fight or flight mode. If you find a way to help her take care of her own needs, that is likely to help all of you.


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