How do you discipline a child with Aspergers ?

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Please help, i have tried everything...time out to taking away his favorite toy. It always ends in a physical altercation with me being the punching bag, my arms are so scratched up, i am ashamed to wear short sleeves... I love my soon to be 10 year old aspie.. but patience is running out and he is getting older and stronger. Any advice...

That sounds awful. How horrible for you and him.

My sons also lash out when they're really upset...usually verbally ('I hate you', 'you're an idiot' type thing), but can also get physical if they feel really cornered or "pushed". The best way we have found to deal with it is to avoid the situation in the first place (whenever possible). We are trying to minimize all the sensory and other stuff that can make them feel ragged, make sure they're well fed, well rested etc. and teach them alternate ways to express "big" feelings. But it's definitely a work in progress...

When they are "losing it", I back right off, and give them space to calm down. We don't discuss any disciplinary measures (i.e. losing video game time) until they are 100% calm, sometimes hours after the initial incident. But we make sure the rules are really clear and simple (and review them frequently), and that the consequences we give are consistent. When they know exactly what to expect, they are much calmer. We also have a reward system (they earn paper stars for good choices which can be traded in for new toys), and I find the more we focus on their good behaviour, the more of it there is, and the more confident and happy they are.

I'm sure there are many others here with more experience, and advice. I hope things get better for you both soon.

I tend to firmly believe that discipline is a two sided process: the consequences, yes, but more importantly searching out and addressing the source. With AS kids, the later is ESSENTIAL. My son does NOT act out from selfishness, a desire to hurt, or anything else negative. This is not true of all AS, but it is true of my child, and it may be true of yours. With him, negative behavior is either a misunderstanding on his part, or a sign that he cannot cope with something.

While I have never gotten rid of consequences, since I think it's important that my son see that real life connection, I cannot honestly say that I've seen much come from them. Time out does calm him down, and give him a chance to center himself and re-group, but beyond that ... it all seems mostly like a ritual with him, rather than the real opportunity for learning.

My son learns by talking. By understanding the logic behind a rule. That may take a lot of experimentation on my part, to finally get to the explanation that triggers a positive desire to conform in him, but it's essential. He does what makes sense to him, pure and simple, except when he is overloaded and unable to think straight.

And the overloaded and unable to think straight part is something else you will have to address. Our kids stress easily. They cannot handle as much as NT kids. This overload is real; not an excuse. You have to help your child find the triggers and come up with ways to mitigate them. He needs to understand that he has to become responsible for this process as well, that he needs to be alert to what stresses him, and seek help from an adult when he is reaching the edge, before getting there, or otherwise entering into a self-calming process. And he CAN learn this.

Part of self-calming may be to allow some behaviors in your child that you might have otherwise asked him to suppress. I don't know if you've been a part of this conversation in other threads, but it is something many of us here have noticed: start to allow a few behaviors and our kids have less meltdowns. Examples with my son are chewing and pacing. He needs both of these to self-calm, and they actually are quite effective for him. Mind you, my son's pacing isn't that innocuous - he bangs into and climbs onto the furniture at either end of his path - but given the choice of destroyed furniture and a child who is self-mitigating his own temperament, I pick the later.

And, of course, the golden parenting rules apply: clear and simple rules, consistent and clear consequences. Remember with that that your AS child is more literal than most, so his ability to take a general rule and apply it to each unique situation is going to be far more limited than with an NT child. I've found it useful to ask my son what he was thinking, if he knew he was breaking the rule. If he receives a consequence when he truly believed it would not apply, he gets confused and stressed, and stops trying as hard to stay within bounds. Gives up, really. Which is definitely worth avoiding. You want your child to engage in the process, to believe that he can follow the rules with positive results. So occasionally letting him off the hook because it seems he honestly didn't "get" it can be an investment in keeping him on track.

Excellent as always, DW_a_mom! I read your posts with such interest on here. Very well said and lots of food for thought.

There are many times that my sons also don't generalize a rule to different situations, and it's so important to get to the bottom of the behaviour and respond accordingly. Last night my son gouged a pencil into our dining room table repeatedly causing quite a bit of damage. I was, of course, horrified! But he said that he didn't know why he did it. He did it "without thinking" and that we'd never told him not to do that to the table before. He was just as horrified about it as I was! We did not punish him. He did offer to work to earn money to help repair the table. I was very, very proud.

So yes, so many misunderstandings or inability to generalize or to keep track of exactly what their bodies are doing can all cause problems. My sons also almost never act out to manipulate or hurt others, and when we understand the root of undesirable behaviours it is much easier to work out a solution. Since we've gotten the AS diagnosis, it's like finding the Rosetta stone! We are understanding so much better, actually "disciplining" less than ever, and family life is running very smoothly.

Another key point about giving consequences not being the part that actually teaches. Now that we realize how minutely our sons need situations and problems dissected in order to understand what went wrong and how to do better next time, the consequences are just a small part of the reinforcement, whereas the discussion and learning are the real heart of the matter.

But only after that initial cool down period. That is essential for us. When they are confused, stressed out or embarrassed they can't take in any new information, and trying to talk will result in a meltdown.

I know this is a lot harder than it sounds, given you have feelings and emotions as well. When my son was younger, my emotions often used to get the better of me, and I would respond with exasperation and anger.
Anyway, quiet time, and a gentle explanation. Maybe quiet time in his room and a note pushed under the door, to explain what is unacceptable, what needs to change, and a reminder that you will always love him, no matter what.

Try to find ways to help him deal with his anger, perhaps a punching bag, or when he feels his anger building, suggest to him he has a shower of go for a long walk. Suggest these strategies when he is calm, and tell him these are helping strategies to cope with anger.

The above responses are all from moms of Aspies, so I'll give my Aspie perspective on this. I'm not a kid, but of course I was one, once.

- As a mother, be your son's friend rather than his boss. Your son may not be able to perceive you (or anyone else) as being "above him" in some social hierarchy. He will be able to respect you as an authority in terms of knowledge, however. You know more than he does, and he knows that you do. It's good to talk a lot with him (again, as a friend and as a knowledge authority, not as a boss (social authority)).

- When talking with him, focus on the subject (e.g. something he's doing), not on his person.

- Be very consistent in your behavior toward him and in rules that you apply, never lie to him, and never force him to do or not do something unless the reason for this is completely clear to him. Whimsicalness, lying and forceful behavior are all important reasons for Aspies to lose respect for someone.

- Be aware that you relate to him in at least two capacities: as his mother and as a person sharing a house with him. Suppose he's playing music so loud that the whole house is vibrating, or he's making a mess of the bathroom, then when you're talking with him about this you're doing so not as his mother but as his cohabitant, who cannot accept such loud music or such a mess in her house. Of course your son should be aware of his rights as a cohabitant also, and be able to talk with you about goings on in the house that pose a problem for him.

- Conclusion: being his friend and talking a lot with him is really the most important thing. This way you get his respect, both you and he will understand him better (because out of ourselves we Aspies are not much inclined to reflect verbally on ourselves, in thought or in speech), and he will care more about what you think and how things he does make you feel. My dad did this right, and he and I have had a warm relationship most of the time since I was born. My mom did not do any of this, and I haven't seen her in about 20 years.

Willem, you make some good points, but I'm not sure the word "friend" is the best one. We parents hear far too often about how kids are getting all messed up because too many parents are trying to be friends with their kids. I think it's more a matter of making sure there is mutual respect in the parent/child relationship, less of a authoritarian v. subordinate relationship. AS kids are different, or at least my son is, and he really does not take advantage of being given respect. Instead, he rises to it. My NT daughter on the other hand ....

I know as a child I believed that if you couldn't tell me why I should/shouldn't do something than there was no reason I should/shouldn't do it.

Especially if you spent a long time demanding I do something just because you said so, when it would have taken you far less time to simply answer my why. After all, if you were really interested in my doing it you would have just said why rather than go off on an "you'd better do this right now because I've told you to do it" rant.

And yes I would lose respect for you every time you couldn't explain why. After all, why I should I have respect for some who demands things be done when they don't have a single valid reason for why those things be done?

the "best way" to discipline is not an easy answer. there really is no best way...........first, you need to determine why you feel the need to discipline your child. what behavior is he exhibiting that needs to be disciplined ? does your child really understand that what they are doing is inappropriate? is the behavior controllable ? . the answers to these questions really need to be determined on an individual basis.

once you've determined that the inappropriate behavior is controllable, then you can move forward. your child needs to understand why said behavior is inappropriate, and needs to have consistent consequences for the behavior. a discussion about the inappropriate behavior & the consequences for doing it need to be discussed when the child is in a calm state of mind- don't try to discuss consequences when they're totally off. doesn't work............

generally speaking, we discipline in one of two ways depending on the offense. #1- taking away a privilege: this is only a consequence when there is a direct relation between the behavior & the privilege. for instance, if our son stays out too late - he has to come home early the following day....or if he slams the computer keyboard down, he immediately gets removed from the computer.............#2- isolation : this is for behavioral situations. for instance, when son is irritated & his anger begins to escalate, he is sent to his room. he is sent with the knowledge that we will discuss the situation with him once he's had a chance to calm down & talk civilly. he is sent with the knowledge that we will help him calm down if he needs assistance. he is sent with the knowledge that if he breaks anything, he will be expected to repair it or pay for it's replacement.

hope this helps

DW_a_mom,

I don't know if it is true for NTs, but willem's help would CERTAINLY have helped in MY case. And friend IS a good word! Too many parents figure they are better at EVERYTHING, and judge their kids by stereotypes. How about acting like a caring friend there to help and try to encourage and discipline or restrict ONLY when needed, etc...? If your kid is nice, he'll love you and RESPECT you more. Too many people confuse respect with FEAR! The two are totally different. And friends don't always have the same abilities or authority, but REAL friends DO have mutual respect.

Frankly, I am happy to hear your son, and willem treat this as I do. It almost makes me wish I had kids. Then again, this world seems headed down the tubes, and it is probably worse for people with AS. When fame, promises, and sycophantic garbage are valued more than ability, action, and well placed reward/praise/punishment, it is hard to understand how things can keep moving. Then again, it creates a cycle, and that is one reason for the current state of the US economy, etc...

What is it that he's doing wrong? Do you have house rules laid out in visual format?

For me as a child, it was really hard sometimes to connect cause and effect. I remember getting hit, yelled at, soap put in my mouth, etc. and I didn't know why. There were times I didn't even know whether or not I was being punished, and I had no internal concept of punishment. So when I was attacked, I either fought back, or cried and tried to hide or escape.

Parenting isn't about discipline, it's about teaching. Explain the rules, and the purpose of the rules. Teach your son that rules are fair, rules apply to everyone, rules keep everyone safe.

IMO, you should work hard to NOT discipline a child with AS.

This post might seem irrelevant, but I'm really amazed at the level of insight which some of the mothers of Aspies here have. I wish my mother was like that.

Yes. Ditto.

With my parents there was far too much "you will do this because we say so, because we know better", or for reasons that I didn't get/didn't see any sense in.

I tend to find the most effective approach is explanation, although this only works if I believe/realise in advance that an explanation is necessary. Sometimes I don't realise that my son has misunderstood and acted on that, until we are both in meltdown. Those are probably the worst moments.

And yes, I agree that my son too never acts out maliciously, so punishments are very rare, practically non-existent. When he understoods that he has caused pain; it causes him distress, enough punishment. And when it is a rule he has broken it is almost always because he has not understood it, or the reason for it.

I am aware that some of my explanations might sound rather odd; for instance why he must brush his teeth in the mornings/before going out is because people don't like smelly breath and mossy teeth; why he must brush them in the evening is because it helps stop them rotting and as his mother I am supposed to look after his teeth and if I don't I will be seen as neglectful, the same for why he has to wipe/wash his ears etc; why he must change his knickers is because people tend to avoid people who smell etc. But they are my real reasons, and he considers them reasonable!
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if he's behaving like a little tyke throwing tantrums, then treat him like one in all sorts of undesirable ways. Take away privileges, deny him privacy, etc. and let it shame and embarrass him until he can't take anymore. It worked for me, usually.

Of course if he reaches teenage years and still has problems with violence, then consider juvenile detention or whatever there is for young punks. He may not be a "punk" per se, but there is no reason for anybody to have to put up with an unstable time bomb in the house, period.

One of the worst things you can ever do to an aspie is take away their valued possesions, even if only briefly. That's something that you will never be forgiven for. there is an article somewhere on here about a mother whose aspie son got a knife and threatened to kill her because she decided on the remove his possessions