How do you discipline a child with Aspergers ?

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As you said yourself, you lashed out at it. Which in itself defeats the punishment.

A punishment that causes lashing out isn't a punishment. Its a trigger. And triggers should be avoided.

True punishment causes reflection, not abuse.


Then of course there is also the psychological standpoint of how screwed up people become when they are punished in ways that cause such reactions in them. Not just during that time, but even into their adulthood

Punishments often do lead to a brief lashing out or "oh comon!" kind of behavior. What is your point? That we shouldn't punish kids if they might resent it?

My son is the same age and he has a history of attacking me, but that behavior is largely gone.

Is he attacking you out-of-the-blue, or in response to discipline?

Give him a fair warning about his actions. "If you don't turn off the video game in 5 minutes, then you won't get to play it tomorrow."

If aggression is a problem for him when you make these kinds of statements, tack on a consequence for aggression. "If you don't turn of the video game in 5 minutes, then you won't get to play it tomorrow. If you are aggressive, then you will not get to play it for a week."

With aggression, it's important to stop him in his tracks before he makes physical contact. If you anticipate the attack, put your hands in front of you and tell him to "stop". If he makes contact, then you need to do a protective hold, until he stops his attack. He must be disciplined eevery time when attacks take place. He needs to eliminate that behavior before his teen years. My son hates being sent to his room, so that worked a great deal with him.

If your son is able to replace physical aggression with verbal aggression, still discipline for the outrageous verbal outburst. But, let him know that he did good by not hitting. I tell that to my son all the time, yelling is bad, but it won't send you to jail like hitting will.

And how do you figure out if the child is really having problems beyond their control or if they are using it as a cheap excuse to be bad?

Aspies can fake it too. Not only that; if they fly into a rage over something and don't get punished, they will get used to the idea. It will become like their custom for getting their way.

I've been reading this thread with interest because I too have been wondering about the meltdown vs. just normal bratty behavior in some kids.

We have two aspies and one NT -- guess which one I think is brattier? Of course, the NT. But that doesn't mean that I don't think that my Aspies aren't capable of being bratty. My oldest (now 21) has verified for me that, in one situation where he was literally acting crazy to get his way, I bought into it and did exactly what he wanted [for fear of his having a serious breakdown] -- and now he tells me it was all for show, to be SURE that he got what he wanted. Most of the time this kid was a good kid, and didn't cause too many problems. We never had any physical violence with either boy, so I don't know what I would do in that circumstance.

But having said this, most of the time our discipline has remained the same with all three. We make the expectations very clear. We point out good behavior in their peers, and bad behavior in their peers. We had a tendency to do this and say things like "well, that's just so and so acting stupid" rather than saying the behavior was BAD, because then our children could view that behavior as not only bad to US, but bad to them and their peers. If you purposely make a mess with your food at a restaurant, then you just look silly, you look immature. If you have good manners at a restaurant, then you get better service from the waiter, and you are treated like an adult by your peers and your parents. As a teenager, if you don't let us know where you are at any given time, and you come home late, then we don't allow you to go out with your friends the next time. If you take the initiative and call us to let us know where you are and when you'll be home, viola, we give you more freedom.

I know I am not a parent but I was the asperger's child so I am going to leave my two cents if that is ok with everyone.

Triangular_Trees your totally right, punishments are meant for reflection not to cause a meltdown. I remember my dad used to spank me and lord I broke things in retaliation, I attacked, and many times I refused to talk to him for a week.

The punishment should fit the crime always but remember children with asperger's are not like NTs just because it works with NTs does not mean it works with asperger's children. NT children and apserger's children are like apples and oranges and so are the way their behaviors need to be addressed.

The right way to do it is to make your child undersatnd what he has done wrong, as if he reacts with a meltdown, chances are he did not understand what he did wrong, and believes he doesn't deserve the punishment. Once he has calmed down, only then you can explain to him. The parent, being the responsible adult, must also make every effort to avoid these meltdowns in the children happening in the first place.

Also, NEVER punish your child for a meltdown as it will only increase the distance between you and your child.