How do you discipline a child with Aspergers ?

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meh. Kids don't have to like their parents. Their parents are their parents, not their best friends.

Agreed, but if the child KNOWS that will be the consequence, and KNOWS WHAT will earn that consequences, and UNDERSTANDS your reasons for being so harsh, it will be effective. Learning isn't always pleasant, and there have been times I've been really hard on my son, particularly when it came to safety issues. He didn't like it, but he did understand it and accept it, because the groundwork had been well laid, and he took those lessons to heart. Fortunately, it's been years and years since I've had to do anything like that; he's figured out that I actually have good reasons for most of my rules.

Yes, but a parent can learn to see the difference. I know I can, despite that fact that my AS son is quite a good actor. It's in the eyes. He knows now that I know, and doesn't pull that sort of thing. I am quite confident in that.

Every person is different, and that extends to Aspies. We're talking in this thread with generalizations, not absolutes. Each parent has to figure out for themselves what does - and does not - apply with their unique child.

This does not apply to most autistic kids. The parent-child relationship that you suggest is a social convention, and social conventions are not generally relevant to autistics. If I don't like someone and they're coming on to me, I will do whatever works to make them back off, including violence if necessary, or threats thereof. I'm certainly not going to do anything to build or maintain a relationship. On the other hand, if I do like someone, I'm going to care how they feel, and I will make an effort to understand them and to understand how what I do affects them, no matter how hard that is for me.

I think the underlying concept being looked for here by the AS are fine, but the terminology ... still needs work.

Applying the term "friends" to a parent-child relationship is such a negative trigger. A person who suggests that approach basically will lose the respect of most other parents right off. It doesn't create a picture of a parent and child talking straight forward to each other with respect; it creates a picture of a parent hanging out with the kids, playing at their level, maybe buying the alcohol for their friends ... Understand? Negative. A parent overdoing it. Trying to be liked by their child as a peer, a playmate, instead of as a responsible adult who loves them and has their best interests at heart.

In my eyes, the term respect should not evoke fear. Just, well, respect. But the term, like so many, has been stolen and used in ways that it wasn't really intended for and, as a result, I guess I can't really use it, either, since many will see it as referring to authoritarian fear.

Which leaves us without a good term, and just a long explanation. A parent should act as a responsible adult with their children, not as another child, all while showing an open heart and willingness to listen to their child, respect the child's feelings and ideas, allow the child to be who they are, and teach the child the ways of the world the best the parent can. Within that relationship there should be loving bond far more permanent yet flexible than friendship, that does not require things to always be happy for the bond to strengthen, just to require they be done with clear positive intent visible to all involved.

OMG! This is the most horrible parenting advice I've ever read! Horrible, horrible! Don't do this! Deny privacy??? That is abusive! Shame and embarrass him? NO! No, no, no!

When my 4yo NT son yells at me that he hates me, I hollar back, "Good, that means I'm doing my job!"

But being a good parent doesn't mean that you have to be abusive to your kid. Good parenting includes mutual respect, mutual understanding, and way more teaching than punishing. Did you know that it is now illegal for licensed daycare workers or teachers to use shame as punishment? It has now been officially recognized as harmful to child development.

I have a terrible and distant relationship with my parents because of how much they hurt me. Aspies already have so much trouble forming relationships, parents of Aspies should try hard to avoid undermining their parent-child relationship.

*to the OP:

If by discipline you mean punishment, then Aspies should not usually be disciplined.

But discipline is from the word disciple, which means student. Your child is a student of life, teach him.

Could you be more specific in your parenting difficulties? I have a knack for explaining how the Aspie brain works, and how you can teach him.

I would be very interested in all of your interpretations of the following situation, which involved a form of discipline:

Our 12 year old is a VERY sweet kid, very laid back, not prone to be a behavior problem at all. BUT, having said this, he has behaviors that we know will cause him trouble in middle school. One of these is over-negative response to corrections given to him. If he's made a mistake, and we as parents say "You need to stop that," he will respond by saying "That was stupid. I'm such an idiot." We do NOT ever say these things to him -- he says them to himself, out loud, in public, at school, etc. I've been working with him for years, trying to get him to NOT say these negative things, but he hasn't changed at all. Finally, this weekend, his father had had ENOUGH. He yelled at him, told him in no uncertain terms that he MUST STOP saying NEGATIVE things about himself -- his father was very angry with him.

Miracle of miracles, he has been catching himself, and has been really working at not saying negative things.

Two years of trying to influence him quietly hasn't worked, but one darn good yelling from Dad, and he's working at it! We don't want to yell at this kid -- he really is the nicest kid, so much fun to be around -- but we are worried that his needless negativity about himself will have really adverse results at school and on his own self-esteem. We are trying to equate the negative self-comments with swearing and dishonesty as truly bad things for his growth.

So, should we yell? Or not?

Umm no it isn't. Believe it or not, kids do NOT have any absolute rights to privacy while under their parent's roof. The bathroom being an arguable exception.

Mentor

The only thing the yelling did was reinforce those feelings he has about himself. Adding negativity to a situation does nothing to remove negative feelings - it only increases them.

So now when he's corrected he not only feels like a total idiot, he feels like a complete loser because his parents think hes being stupid for feeling so badly, which just increases the origional feeling of being an idiot


After all your goal shouldn't be to get him to stop saying the negative things- it should be to get him to stop feeling so negatively about himself in such situations, which in turn will correct the saying. You aren't doing that when you yell. All you are doing is reinforcing that he was correct in thinking that way about himself in the first place and telling him that he probably isn't thinking as negatively about himself as he should be given the situation. I've no doubt the reason he's been catching himself is that he's afraid of what other things he'll be criticized for if he doesn't hide his true emotions from you

Some great advice everyone, it is a lot to take in all at once but i will try.. i realize taking away a valued possession seems cruel but it seems to be the only thing that helps a little.... I try to explian to him that if he apologizes and thinks before acting out the next time i would not need to take anything away from him. He does have remorse after he lashes out at me so i try to be very understanding..He is also being very verbal lately, cursing in public and when he gets upset.. that is difficult. Someone asked what kind of behaviors he had. Most of the time it is a defaint behavior.. Example... today he broke a glass which was ok only an accident but he tried to walk over the place where the glass was i told him he couldn't until i had picked it up so he wouldn't cut his feet and that led to him pushing and kicking and scratching me....he insisted he wanted to walk over that area, i don't think he realizes he could get hurt...

Is that a current photo of him in your avatar? Because such a behavior at that age indicates to me that there may very well be a secondary diagnosis (or he's further along on the spectrum than I currently realize). I know if that happened in a school setting, I'd send a note to either the nurse or school psychologist expressing concern that he needs to be evaluated


Of course I'm basing this solely on the one incident you describe. There may be a million other things he does that would show this is not the case

WOW Mister Ed! I would have thought you'd be out to pasture by now. Lay off the laced peanutbutter. Your advice still sounds NUTS! Excuse the pun.

I'm sorry to hear that wilbur mistreated you, but you deserved it, for getting him in all that trouble!

But humans ARE different. Parents ARE supposed to have some reponsibility. If they can just ABANDON their child, THEY are probably worse than the kid.

As for your suggestion about parents not being friends? Why not shoot the kids and kill two birds with one stone?!?!? I am joking, of course, but you DO make it sound like it would be ok.

There are times for a stronger response. I feel that this has been handled correctly. You tried a long time with a gentle approach that didn't work. Negative self-talk is harmful and should be stopped. Yelling can be used effectively once in a great while. When yelling is a daily occurence it is harmful to your bond, and everyone gets used to it and loses its effectiveness.