Mind Decimating Existential Crisis

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So I have this problem often. I can fend off my deep thoughts for a week or two, then I see a brilliant movie about space or read books or listen to music or something that triggers me into this infinite kaleidoscopic, lonely, devastating depression trap of looping thoughts of infinity, or the possibility of finiteness. I can't stand it anymore. I need to hear from someone, anyone, who may have similar experiences.

The first thoughts that come to my head are always about the nature of finiteness. There are ideal realities that I would like to live. I would like to be a space explorer. A constant and consistent entity of consciousness that experiences the beauties of an existent reality. Not stranded on this planet but to have the capacity to go anywhere within the bounds of technology, to be immortal in an infinite universe where the basic archetypes or forms or rules that make things up wouldn't be followed, and limitation would be nonexistent and would not be a criteria for things to exist either. For every one piece composed by Bach there would be an infinite amount of others, all unique yet all the same in form. I want there to be a world where I COULD last forever because I cannot accept the concept of a total end to my consciousness after death. Life is MADE to find ways to keep itself going forever, and that's what our constant evolution is working towards. If not that, then what? Don't give me any of that self-determination crap because I already know that. That's the only thing that keeps me going.

My life is falling apart. I'm in High school and my grades are all failing, and I don't care. I live straddled between abstracts which trap me in lonely isolating worlds of desire and actual reality, with concrete particles which form everything. Are these particles abstracts? Do we only exist because the abstract particles which make up the universe can form, and hold themselves within one period of time, to create us? Will things loop forever? Will I suffer forever? Is the ONLY thing that is actually infinite suffering? Happiness certainly isn't. Although time is immeasurable except with reference to something else and within the speed which we can comprehend it as conscious entities. What the hell...what even am I?

I think part of this constant issue is due to the fact that me, perhaps due to the Aspergers, am completely incapable of rooting myself into a society. I feel lonely and detached and I can't relate to anyone. My main goal is to find people who I can just talk to, forever. To try to bounce ideas off them to reach some sort of conclusion, even if it has to be religion. My "Special Interests" only help to quell this empty feeling of overpowering isolation. So many worlds, so many possibilities, but only so many. Everything ends, and I panic and fall into an eternal suffering for it to never end except by my own understanding of a concept which I can't seem to understand. Am I missing some f*****g simple thing here? How is everyone else living their f*****g damn lives and I'm just a mindless awkward ass dick who can't even decipher an atom from an emotion? What should I do? God is my only answer now, but I refuse to accept it until I go completely insane.

You're still young. Wait until you can see more clearly what is ahead before you make big decisions. For now my advice would be focus on getting your high school work up to date. I'm a high school dropout and I really regret it. It costed me a lot of potential friends, relationships and places I could have gone, things I could have done.

Try to do what you need to, to get your grades where they need to be. There may be individuals who can help you, specialised support. I think you're putting too much weight on yours shoulders, figuratively speaking. You need to take things a bit slower. One step at a time. You're going in a bit too deep before you have even barely started life.

It's fascinating what you write about, though. Maybe once you finish high school you could study a subject at university where you could go further into these kind of thoughts. There you could meet people to discuss these sort of things with.

Because you're in high school at the moment it will be hard to meet people who are on your wavelength. High school is a mishmash of every kind of person, from the future plumbers, football players, actors and waiters, mathematicians, retail assistants and computer programmers. You are in such a general environment that I think it might be making you feel lonely. Try to remember you won't be there forever. Keep your eyes focused on the future goal of finding somewhere better for you. Once you graduate you can go to an environment where are people more like you.

I think I can relate to you. I also get that same feeling, if you can call it that. I personally have come to the conclusion that the universe might not be as finite as it seems. For me there has to be some constant which differentiates things, gives them form, and makes them appear finite. I guess I would call this God.

Most people don't believe in God not because they think He is irrational but because the people who claim to speak for Him are irrational and this is a false logic. I dislike it when religious people force their beliefs on me and I have trouble understanding the idea of some big old guy with a beard sitting on a cloud and shooting lightning bolts. For me I prefer to think of God more like some sort of cosmic observer, more like a scientific fact than a glorified Santa figure. Even Einstein believed in a God of some sort.

In any case, whether to believe in God is up to you, no one else can tell you. There are actually a few religions which are fairly rational even though the people who follow them aren't always. As far as common monotheism goes, Catholicism is very well thought out and there are some forms of Buddhism which are pretty sensible. Find your own way, there's nothing wrong with exploring religions even though there is so much stigma.

Just because the universe appears to be finite doesn't mean we have seen all that there is to see. We still don't know very much. I don't think it's nearly as arbitrary as it seems.

Just don't let this ruin your life, there's no reason to continually worry about what is or what might be. Just appreciate what's happening right now. Focus on your school work and spend time with some friends. Sometimes its best just to distract yourself, I know from experience.

Your post is complex, so please let me know if I'm misunderstanding. You said you want to bounce ideas off of someone, so this is how your ideas are bouncing off of me. I'm trying to put together the whole picture.

Partly because you feel lonely in life, you feel you're preoccupied with the loneliness of the universe. On the one hand, you're afraid of the infinite, because you wonder if there could be infinite suffering, and you don't seem to believe in infinite happiness. On the other hand, you're afraid of the finite, because that would mean that everything ends.

You imagined you could travel through space, free of the physical laws we know, and observe the beauty of the universe. That would be awe-inspiring. Do you feel any small part of that awe when you consider what you know of the observable universe?

You also asked about other people's similar experiences, and how they go on with their lives despite these experiences. The Dark Night of the Soul concept is a good place to start, to know that you're not alone with these deep thoughts. Most of my thoughts weren't quite as abstract, but when I was in high school, I also started questioning the nature of faith very seriously. I wondered, how do we know that God exists? I thought about eternity within that framework: could there be an eternal god, or an eternal anything, despite our concrete evidence of an ever-changing universe? God wasn't supposed to evolve and change, and yet, the writings about gods and goddesses definitely did. I worried I'd go to hell for these thoughts, but I could not help them, and so I started reading a lot, joining discussion groups, etc. I did not know what to believe, and I felt very alone with these feelings of fear and doubt and discovery. As I tried to reach out to others for emotional support, I found that they weren't on the same journey, so it was harder for them to offer encouragement or solace.

As I learned more, and as I read different points of view, I realized that I would have to live with "I don't know." I slowly started to accept this, and also to expand what I do know. Knowledge is grounding, and so are interests/hobbies, goals, group affiliations, friendships, projects, and anything else that makes me feel more connected to something greater than myself. I discovered that I didn't need to believe in a supernatural being and could focus on the many other ways I could feel connected and engaged. My college experience was also more rich than my high school experience, and I've kept getting connected and involved throughout my life. It's a question of balance for me, a sense of focusing as best I can on what I can learn or do or change.

I won't write a lot on this because I simply won't know all the emotional nuance and details of what you're dealing with. I've felt my own version of this in the past but my version of it was a bit different.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, whether it would open doors for you or whether it would be something you'd feel compelled to write off but I think from what you're saying your universe is still sounding very atomist and Newtonian.

A lecture on neutral monism by a philosopher of science that seemed to really nail a lot of the problems I've seen with the issue and I think also questions the fixity of a lot of the assumptions you have about needing to accept nonexistence after death as if it's a proven fact, etc..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jb5nEVGK0Fg&t=19s

I had my own abyss of nihilism and despair, particularly around 2011. A couple years later, and from then on, I've been having experiences, at least a few per year, that remind me pretty reliably that our bodies, minds, etc. are interwoven in an active way with a lot more than we would have ever imagined. I could share some notes, places to look, etc.. on that but its a different topic and something I'd only want to throw your way if it's something you're interested in hearing more about.