Aspergers or eccentricities and... other stuff

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Howdy new forum As a first post, I do recognize how horrifyingly long this is and apologize for it. I fall under the "young adult" category and am in a casual state of confusion over Aspergers.

I'm uncertain whether I have Aspergers (but, as anyone whose felt vaguely unright for most of their life knows, boy will I keep searching until something fits!) Part of the reason that I'm curious is because I am currently dating someone with Aspergers and feel like there is a lack of filter between us that I've never really experience to that extent with anyone. I realize that nobody here can actually tell me whether I am or aren't, but I was wondering if any of these traits (both from childhood and now) might be something that I might want to look further into? Or whether others relate to?

Baby stuff: Crying hysterically when anyone other than parents held me. Crying whenever we went inside of new homes (peaceful outside- death screech inside - peaceful outside again). Otherwise, very calm and un-needy child: wouldn't cry for parents when I woke up and would just goo into the dark

Toddler stuff: Occasional fear of wind (my parents would describe said wind as barely noticeable, but I felt unhinged by it anyway and would go inside of the house with my ears plugged). Fear of the rain and epic fear of thunder (would stuff about half of my fingers into my ears and curl into a ball in the bathroom until I fell asleep). Fear of men with facial hair, fear of men with long hair (they couldn't come into the house). Fear of people with raspy or odd voices. I would throw fits whenever my mom got a haircut (until about age 9) and would refuse to talk to her. Nobody in the house was allowed to rearrange furniture without me throwing a fit (I still hate changes in my home and get unsettled when anyone wants to change anything: I will have the same room set up and car until I die, if I can. I can't really describe why, but I get hit with a feeling of sadness and irritation because of it). Though, I spoke early (first phrase at 13 months: "mom, don't cry") and was very cuddly (too cuddly: I would kiss friends in preschool).

Early childhood stuff: I had a lot of friends, but it began to get harder for me to make friends later on in life. Later on, kids founds me odd and annoying (I had a high pitched voice, a lot of energy and was pushy). If you look at my 2nd grade photo, everyone was smiling normally, except for me, who was trying to make all of my neck veins stick out in the photo because I had realized that I could about a week before that. I had good concentration but appeared hyperactive (when I got my first lunch pin in second grade, I repeated it all throughout that lunch period and was so amused by how pissed off everyone was (yes, I could tell when people were pissed off at me); 22086. I repeated it so many times that day that I will certainly remember it now on my deathbed). But I was very good at lying and enjoyed making up stories (I lied to my ESL teacher that I had a teenage sister in a wheelchair and that I hated recess because I had no friends, just so she would give me detention during GYM class, which I lied about loving).

Childhood and teenage stuff: Massive change after a lot of bullying. Especially during my teenage years, I felt like I wasn't as aged as everyone else. Like I had somehow fallen behind. It started feeling painful and lonely for me to keep trying, so I opted for spending most of the time by myself. I am a topic collector and always loved collecting knowledge about things ("collectable" things: cloud types, animals, psychiatric disorders, personality types, astronomical objects, diseases, anything that can be categorized like that, if that makes sense. I get a deep sense of enjoyment from finding new topics of that nature to learn about). At that point I tried to sort of "mold" my personality into a calmer one, and it worked. Other than that, peer pressure is a weird concept for me because I am stubborn and can't understand how people can't stick to their "no" when they say "no".

Now: I have social anxiety, but many of my psychology professions and other professionals that I've casually talked with mentioned that it doesn't come off as if I do. I've been described as physically rigid a lot (I have a habit of crossing everything when I sit, sometimes double crossing my legs, crossing and then sitting on my legs, always looking down when I walk, and hunching over too much. There is also the sleep position that creeps everyone who has seen it out, because it involves me sitting on my knees, then laying on my back with my knees underneath me and falling asleep like a plank) and am very difficult to flirt with (unless the obvious is pulled (like sitting butt-to-butt next to me and casually touching me) or unless told point-blank, I will almost always assume the other person likes me as a friend). Complex body language games piss me off and I really dislike when others try to read my emotions by my face or body language. It seems very invasive and irritating to me: having others silently attempting to read my body language and then randomly bringing it up, but I would imagine this being irritating and invasive to a lot of people. I've heard that it's very obvious what I'm feeling by my facial expression (irritation and distaste especially), so I am apparently not skilled at masking that. I am kind of manipulative/controlling though, and when things bother me, it's hard for me to hide it. Coming off as professional has posed some issues as I still have some issues with figuring out comment boundaries (what I should and shouldn't say to someone). I've interned at a psychiatric hospital for a year successfully, but I felt very distant, overly-polite and on-edge around most people there (a setting which mostly consisted of bubbly, extroverted young female workers. They needed me because they knew jack-shit about anything research or statistics-related, otherwise it would have been an awkward first year. While I really liked them, it further amplified my anxiety over slipping up).

Social stuff: I'm still uncomfortable with a lot of things that people my age might be comfortable with (I don't enjoy groups: from small friend groups to parties and especially not clubs). This part, I'm especially curious about. As a child, I was better with groups. I remember a birthday party that I had in 8th grade with several friends and at some point I had a mini-breakdown. Not because of stimuli overload... but just that I didn't know how to act around so many people that I was friends with. I had a different persona around each of them, and having them together created a weird sort of dilemma where I wasn't sure how I was supposed to... synchronize that into one host-persona, so I believe that I started tearing up a bit. I feel much more connected when I'm with people individually. Most of these things I now avoid (partying, hanging out in groups, night-life) because it creates a deep sense of loneliness in me that I can't describe, figure out the root cause of or work over. Nor do I want to, because I'm very content with how I am (I just don't like feeling different and not knowing why I do or am). This is tied into social anxiety as well: fear of embarrassment. I'm aware (thanks to a friend) that I sometimes say things or ask things that are not appropriate, too blunt, rude, etc. It might also be because I grew up in a very blunt family, though. This foot-in-mouth effect is amplified when I'm nervous (and an unfortunate feed-off cycle that is). For example: a friend of my friend had lost his friend a few months ago. I gave him my condolences when I saw him and, to make chit chat, I said "yeah, it's crazy. It makes you wonder who's next, you know?" Apparently he made a face at that comment that I managed to miss and my friend brought it up later and told me it was a really cheeky and uncomfortable thing to say. I get, now, why that comes off as wrong, but I still also don't fully... get it. It creates a conflicting image because, while I consider myself empathetic and careful around others to not hurt their feelings (doing the sad eyes, laughing when they're not funny, etc.), apparently I can be just as bad at it. A lot of my childhood qualities are still there (the bubbly energy and lack of filter spill over into friendships), but it is largely masked over by a serious, soft-spoken kind of persona with a kind of anxiety that I am doing or saying something wrong without realizing. Having others assume that I might be trying to be a certain way (edgy, different, provocative) while I don't even realize that what I'm saying or doing is having that effect. It's difficult for me to see how others are seeing me (especially as one gets older, since adults are better at hiding their reactions), and that makes me uncomfortable and irritated. But obviously, social issues=/=Aspergers.

I'm sorry that this is so long! I really am (and will very likely regret posting this and then REALLY seeing its mass on page). I hope that someone has managed to find something recognizable in it, though. I don't have issues with Theory of Mind or emotional recognition in faces, as far as I'm aware, which likely does count out Aspergers. But if anything else pops into mind or sets it apart as well, I would appreciate someone letting me know. Best

Hi. I think there are definitely some things in there that could be linked to Asperger's.
I don't really know anything about autism in babies. I think the fear of wind, rain and thunder are because of sensory sensitivity, which is a common trait of Aspies. Intolerance of change is something many deal with as well. I can get quite irritated myself when my schedule suddenly changes because of an unexpected event, for example.
Being social and starting to speak early on seems a little odd to me for an autistic, but I wouldn't say it rules out being autistic.
The way you collect facts kind of seems like a special interest. This could definitely be the case if you tend to talk about them a lot.
A lack of awareness of this secretive flirtatious behaviour and the like is another characteristic lots of Aspies share, as are unintentionally rude comments, I believe.
This weird feeling of loneliness you wrote about-- I think I know what you mean. However, I don't think it is really caused by autism, as it might just be a combination of introversion and envy or something like that.

I have no idea what to make of this, by the way. :/

Thank you for your response to this. I think autism (especially aspergers) in babies is a difficult topic in general. For whatever reason (temperament, etc.), I know that I would cry after being held by most family members (as early as 2-3 months, meaning that attachment and familiar bonds shouldn't have been a factor). I can only imagine it being due to either their voice, smell, energy level, etc. unsettling me in a way that didn't unsettle my cousins. The hypersensitivity can be linked to other things, of course (maybe just plain introversion). I believe that Aspergers isn't really diagnosed much before around age 6, so I'm curious now to look up any articles about this. Whether, for example, lack of eye contact is as notable at such a young age and etc. And I do make strong eye contact when someone is talking to me, in a way that I do think is typical, if not a little too fixated since I won't glimpse away for minutes. With eye contact not being a problem, I guess that makes it less likely.

Yes, I definitely agree regarding unexpected changes in schedules. Being very irked and taking a while to completely calm after changed or canceled plans. I've always been in awe of one of my professions because of this, who has open-hours for discussions in his office while working. I couldn't imagine allowing people to interrupt me unexpectedly with random stuff like that. It would drive me nuts right after the first person, my frustration would clearly leak, and I would become a nervous wreck after a few days. I even get irritated when I'm trying to text someone and have another person continue talking to me despite me telling them that I need to text someone- being expected to concentrate on both things is near impossible and I have no idea how people do it successfully. Whether just a personality trait or due to Aspergers, I would imagine certain jobs (where planning ones day and fulfilling it is just about impossible) would cause someone with Autism a lot of drainage.

Yes, I'm not sure what to make of this either lol. I might discuss it with someone when I get the chance. On online tests (while obviously not the best sources and I don't trust my ability to accurately answer questions about myself- judge whether I am or aren't skilled in something, especially) typically put me in a gray zone. I guess NT with traits. Thanks again

Goodness! This post is long even for autistic people!

We don't know whether you have a diagnosable case of ASD or not. If you have the funds and the time, then I would recommend going for a professional assessment. A lot of traits you mentioned are quite significant, so I don't know whether you would be on the border or actually have the disorder. I would have to see you in person to be able to tell. As for online tests, those can be inaccurate. I wouldn't place a diagnosis on some online test, but that's up to you. I hope you can find more answers here on this forum!