I wish I was dead

Post Reply New Topic

I f*****g hate my life, I hate my f****d up ret*d brain with this incurable sh***y Asperger's s**t. Why do I even have the s**t? A neurotypical mum with 4 neurotypical siblings who all had neurotypical children, and a neurotypical dad with 3 neurotypical siblings who all had neurotypical children, should have made a neurotypical daughter, but no, their daughter had to turn out f*****g autistic. The doctor and social worker just diagnosed me with the s**t when I was little, in such a rush, whilst all other girls born in the 1990s or 2000s, with only mild symptoms like me, still got diagnosed in their teens or 20's or not even at all.

I am under stress and I can't cope. I'm s**t scared of finding a new job, and I lack this and lack that so I will always be underemployed, stuck in a cleaning job earning low wage just because I can't say boo to a goose. I only work 3 days a week so that means I am lazy and stupid and I find everything such hard work. I just want to be neurotypical, where I can have the emotional motivation to work full time and aim higher, but no, I have to be stuck with this s**t. I'm a 70-year-old living in a 27-year-old's body. I get tired, drained, anxious, and time to myself is important, unlike my peers. I have more in common with old people than I do with people my age.

I hate the f*****g conservative government. I hate all these millions of houses and estates being built on such a small island. I hate all the traffic, the way all the roads are gradually becoming gridlocked, that everybody owns a car or two, and that I can't go for a walk anywhere without having to always give way to cars everywhere, and in quieter places there might be murderers hanging around. I f*****g hate murderers, why the f**k do they murder? What thrill can a human being have of stabbing another human being to death and seeing blood and suffering? Why can't they just stab a rock or something? What the f**k is the matter with them? I'm f*****g angry right now with the way my life is going, but I don't go out and stab people. Murderers and rapists are the reason why parents can't leave their baby outside in the pram while they go in shops, like they used to do years ago. So everywhere you go you have to endure screaming from other people's kids and blocked aisles.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Not after the news I had today. I won't go all into it here because it's too much to explain, but the news made me pretty angry and stressed. And when I'm stressed, I start blaming my Asperger's for everything that happens in my life, even though my Asperger's hasn't caused this current stress, it still makes me angry. Maybe if I didn't have Asperger's I might be able to cope with this difficult news I had today. But no, instead I burst into tears and could spend hours and hours whining about it to my family. But my family have their own issues, so I've just got to play it cool. I have a splitting headache, thank God I'm on antidepressants, otherwise I would be in the middle of a rage outburst right now. Instead I'm just angrily sitting at my computer, pouring my heart out, breaking down in tears on and off, and dealing with a bad stress headache. I suppose that's better than hitting myself in the head angrily and screaming abuse and slamming doors.

I may be on meds that are really good for controlling outbursts, but I still get anxious, stressed and panicky. I'm fed up on Facebook because I am unfollowed by 90% of my friends. I am fed up with my email account because all I get is spam junk from s**t I haven't even subscribed for, and when I unsubscribe all I get is the same type of spam from other addresses, and it goes on forever like that. That's all the world seems to be now; spam emails, cold callers. I mean, it's not like they're even trying to sell you something on my emails. All it is each time is ''Want to date a hot Asian girl?'' with a picture of a naked girl staring at the camera, with a message saying ''Jo, I want you to be my f**k buddy'' and all of that s**t. I DON'T WANT TO f**k AN ASIAN GIRL, OK??? If they're going to send me spam, it could be something more reasonable, instead of all this dirty horrible gross stuff.

Just so stressed at the moment. My heart is palpitating and I just want to sleep to escape, but I've got to go to WORK tomorrow and put on a happy front and do boring tasks that I don't want to do, with my supervisor keep on at me every 5 minutes, and having about 10 things to think about all at the same time. I hate life sometimes.

I'm sorry, Joe, that you're going through this.

I wonder if talking about your "news" might make you feel better.

Or just talking with us. Hanging out with us.

Oh dear. Your frustration must be intense.
From situations in my own past yours sounds like it might be creating a really strong feeling of being trapped.
I can't fix it but I can say hello from the other side of the Atlantic And that your country has some really interesting trains and planes and boats.

Hugs

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful, Joe!

I hear you and get you -- there are times when I feel this acutely pissed off with everything about my life, too. Times when it just becomes all too clear to me that almost nothing in my life is the way I would like for it to be even when I try to get it to be.

Just saying I can relate very strongly.

I hope this news is something where something can be done to make it not so bad, whatever it is. Hugs to you.

Thank you for caring.

The situation that made me angry was to do with my boyfriend's son who is a drug-addict.

That's a difficult situation in several ways. My ex-wife's son was on and off drugs at regular intervals.

I am worrying about this situation. My partner's son wants to move his stuff into his dad's and partly live there, partly at his girlfriend's, and partly at his mum's. The unpredictability of it pisses me off more than anything, because it is only a small apartment and I like my peace and privacy. This boy has anger issues and has been on and off drugs, and my partner doesn't want to say no. It's an awkward situation because it's my partner's apartment, and it's his son, so I've got no right to tell him what to do. I have told him how I feel about it, and he agrees with me but still is letting his son come and move all his stuff here and be in and out at all times. It is making me feel stressed out. Secretly I do wish my partner didn't come with baggage.

I suspected it might be something like that, when you mentioned the son.

That is a really, really tricky one, for sure. I think many, many people find this kind of situation problematic, or would if it happened to them. It's a common type of baggage to have these days, but that doesn't make it any less difficult for all parties involved.

It is a dilemma because as you can see, it's his son and nobody is in much of a position to tell him he can't let his son come and stay with him.

On the other hand, the two of you are planning a wedding! Of all times in your life together, nobody can blame you for kind of wanting things to be just the two of you, at least currently at this present time and through the wedding and your early days of marriage and moving in together.

It's entirely human not to want grownup offspring suddenly in your living situation when the two of you will yourselves be adjusting to permanently living together. You are coming up on that phase in your relationship, and with this turn of events, it's little wonder you are concerned and angry.

This stuff is tricky enough when the offspring is not problematic but just "there" and a nice, normal person to deal with -- but in this case, the son has serious issues.

I'm glad you say you have discussed this with your fiance and let your feelings be heard, and that he even agrees with you -- it's really good that the two of you have been honest with each other about this being an issue of concern to both of you.

But it's still going ahead. . .I don't know what to advise. It worries me too and I just wanted to post to say I really feel for you. I wish the son could be more wholly at his mother's or girlfriends rather than "partly" at all three locations.

I completely understand your frustration, particularly since one day you will be moving in full-time yourself, that will be a period of sensitive adjustments in itself, and you have a right to wish that you could just be two people while going through that.

Thanks for understanding.
He's already going to get a key cut, so that means he's definitely going to be moving in. My partner wishes he said no in the first place, and now it's too late. The apartment's going to be cluttered with extra stuff, and this son of his sounds difficult to live with. He lived there before with him (before I knew him) and apparently he smashed the doors in angry tempers. I don't need this. I'm so worried. My headache has come back. I'm just going to jump in front of a train.

a deathwish often occurs when confronted with a challenge you'd rather avoid
- in your situation, and it's not that far from my experience, you might avoid getting out of this relation that keeps coming up with putting you in unsafe situations - i've found that the partner who keeps mudding the water is never ever going to stand (up) for you, but only sometimes seemingly
you're young enough to re-set everything, which i really hope you would,
or keep all this s**t on the backburner for a long time and lose even more hope and stability

Being single is worse than this, but this is bad enough. People say "oh don't go for older men, they will have baggage", but the thing is these days most people already have baggage at even my age. I don't really want to go with a guy 10 years younger than me, I much prefer guys older than me, with their own place and experience. But most people have kids, whether their kids are little, teens or grown-up. Kids are baggage. Even if you're 70 years old and your kids are in their 40s or 50s, they are still baggage, unless they live far away and you hardly ever see them or even hear from them. But in a relationship, you can't avoid their kids. I mean, I would feel differently if this son of his was a genuine and honest young man, who had a job and paid his way, and was planning on renting a place with his young girlfriend but had to stay with his dad temporarily in the meantime. But it is not like that. He is on and off drugs, has issues, doesn't work, doesn't have any money, and just wants to lounge off people's sofas so that he can live for free. It's too much for me. It is not fair.

I totally understand that -- it's not even like this son is a fine, upstanding citizen and a delight to be around, by the sounds of things. That would be tolerable and not even that bad a situation, and would even be foreseeably temporary -- like you say, if there was a job and this was just a stop-gap living situation.

But the difference here is that this young man is very troubled, is involved with drugs and has a history of anger and violent actions, and there may be few prospects of him getting on his feet.

So I totally get why this is hugely concerning; it would be for anyone!

It's also true about baggage -- unless we're talking about teenagers or early 20s, there is almost nobody a person can date who won't have some kind of baggage in terms of other family commitments, as life goes forward.

A massive proportion of people in their 30s and upward will have started a family, have an ex-spouse they may still have dealings with if there are kids -- it's almost impossible to get away from this stuff one you get to a certain age.

The ideal is that those other people -- grownup children etc -- in your partner's life are easy to deal with. The most difficult thing is when they are not and there are serious issues.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself over this; I know it must feel like that's the only way out -- I've been in situations where I felt like nothing was going to get better and I needed to just end my life as the only answer.

But please hang in there and take it one step at a time. I'm no Pollyanna and I hate it when people try to say things can only get better or you never know what wonderful thing might happen instead, blah blah. I hate that and I'm not going to say that to you.

But at the same time, all things do pass, and you never know if there may come a change of plans sooner or later, and this will all be over or diverted at some point. Not trying to get your hopes up, just saying all things change and alter and the best we can hope is that maybe this will not work out for the son either, and something alternative will come about.

Lots of people hate their life. Atleast you've been better offf then me.