scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Usually around a 3-4 but dropped into the minus numbers this week.

-9. I’ve wasted my life trying to make other people happy.

-8

Anyone besides me and buyerbeware even read this?

-20well that topped it off, I’ve lost all motivation to go to the gym tomorrow. I was already depress but never fear wp will make it worse. I hope I don’t even wake up tomorrow

Looked my old therapist up online.

Saw her face. Experienced a short but very intense burst of borderline murderous rage.

She told me so many nice things. Lies, lies, lies, lies.

And the one lie that took another huge piece of quality out of my life-- "Our psychiatrist is different. She'll listen to you. I really do think it's safe to give medication another try..."

Been off the Zoloft for a year (after I quit "noncompliantly," because said psychiatrist wouldn't give me permission to stop taking it even though I was royally f****d up). Still no motivation, no joy, no pleasure in living, too many days with no strength, not enough "go" to clean my house.

Tried to move a woodpile today. Had to move one piece (12 inch pieces, no more than six or eight inches in circumference, maybe 7 pounds a piece for the really big chunks) at a time. MY EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER carries two!! Before that goddamn drug, I used to pile half a dozen on my arm and carry them inside.

Sly, it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not. It's like screaming into your pillow, or telling your sins down a well, or writing in a journal. It's a place to lose your s**t, so you don't keep it penned up inside and you don't lose it on the people you have to live with.

Zero.

-10

At what point do I get murdered for the lulz?

How to know if s**t is f****d in you life, consider the following.

Wake up one day, have no memory of things prior, failure to be able to go to hospital and transferred directly to psych ward without being medically cleared, fbi suddenly starts crawling everywhere.

W... t... f...

I guess I am nuts, I am probably nuts but hell, I am -10 either way, being nuts is depressing, being sane... might be more f****d.

I think I want to be insane,

I think I broke too much trying too hard to be too normal for too long.

Gears are stripped, cylinders are scored, rods are bent, drive train's busted. This machine is over.

Last time I felt anything like the way I have for the last year or so, I was fourteen years old. It took three years hiding in a bubble before I was even able or willing to try to turn the key again.

I don't have three years in a near-zero interpersonal interaction environment to spend.

+3

And, whether it was their fault or not, frankly I resent the living Hell out of (perhaps even hate) the people I did it all for, simply because this is now and I am where I am, and now they're begging for the old me back, and it will take twice as much effort to get back as it took to get here, and when I get there it will still be imperfect and we will do it all again, and I knew when I started that this was where it all would end.

Why did we start?? Why did I start?? Why did I let it become we in the first place??

Because loneliness. And because love. And because hope, or maybe wish.

There are no numbers. Have not been for quite some time. I'm tired.

-9

-10

Wanting to bash head,

-10 i dont know have anywhere I’m welcome and not a single person on this planet who actually likes me.

-6