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gumpetung
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31 Jan 2018, 4:22 am

So my father have cancer, doctors have now given up treating him and he is left with "relief" therapy. Essentially he will die within some months or perhaps a year, nobody knows.

My father is a good and kind man, I like him, I have great respect.
I usually visit my parents every 2-3 months with my wife and kids we have good and cozy times. But I never go into deep discussions with them.

I live 4 hours away and I have work and family obligations so I can't go by for a short coffee visit. A visit is at least a full day. Now I feel this enormous social pressure especially from my siblings to frequently visit my parents to sit and feel sad, discussing emotions, feelings and future. Essential things I have difficulties with. Of cause I'm sad, depressed and somewhat upset, but mostly for my mother and father who have to cope and endure the process, emotions and uncertaincy.
I don't know how to respond to this situation.

I'm used to use my mind to find solutions and workarounds for others problems or at least do practical things to help, but now there are no solutions that I can provide..
How can I help? What can I give?



auntblabby
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31 Jan 2018, 4:28 am

the most important thing you can give him, is to be his son and be there for him when you can arrange it, more often than normal as it will be a long slow goodbye. get to know your father better, get to know him as a fellow human and more than just your parent. invite him to tell you more about himself, if he is so inclined. invite him to talk about things that have been on his mind, let him vent. let him reminisce. listen to him. learn from him. let him know you're learning from him. those are the important things.



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31 Jan 2018, 4:29 am

btw Gump, hiya and welcome to our club 8)



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31 Jan 2018, 8:16 am

We're in a similar boat, only my father is still being treated. It's metastasized & is terminal, though. Average 5 years, long term 10 years, but never know, could spread and be quicker than average. He's going through another round of chemo right now. We're fortunate to have advanced warning so all the things that need to be said can be said etc - I like that. I like that I get an opportunity to thank him for who I am, and also to let him know who I'll become. The one thing he wants to do before he dies pretty much is ride a motorcycle, so, my siblings & I told him for fathers day we'll pay for the riding lessons. I know he wants to have the budget to buy his own bike, too, and is far too responsible with money having been a selfless provider for 44+ working years, so I gave him $5,000 for his birthday to kick start his bike budget so that as soon as nice weather roles around and his health cooperates he can get out riding. Bucket list time for sure. I hope he does anything else he wants to, too.

gumpetung wrote:
So my father have cancer, doctors have now given up treating him and he is left with "relief" therapy. Essentially he will die within some months or perhaps a year, nobody knows.

My father is a good and kind man, I like him, I have great respect.
I usually visit my parents every 2-3 months with my wife and kids we have good and cozy times. But I never go into deep discussions with them.

I live 4 hours away and I have work and family obligations so I can't go by for a short coffee visit. A visit is at least a full day. Now I feel this enormous social pressure especially from my siblings to frequently visit my parents to sit and feel sad, discussing emotions, feelings and future. Essential things I have difficulties with. Of cause I'm sad, depressed and somewhat upset, but mostly for my mother and father who have to cope and endure the process, emotions and uncertaincy.
I don't know how to respond to this situation.

I'm used to use my mind to find solutions and workarounds for others problems or at least do practical things to help, but now there are no solutions that I can provide..
How can I help? What can I give?


I'd say visit as often as you reasonably can. Even if you don't say or discuss much, you just being present there with them lets them know you care. It sends the same signals to your siblings, too. Even if it's very difficult for you to visit, the gesture of love to your father & family would be worth the personal sacrifice you have to make putting yourself through the stress. IMO. If I were in your shoes, if I didn't go visit when I could, I might regret it later.

IF it's impossible for you to visit because of your own anxiety/emotional processing etc then about the best thing you could do is communicate that to your father, mother, and family. Even if it's a very simple message of "I love you guys & I wish I could visit, but I'm just not handling this situation very well at all right now and can't visit. I'll try again next week." The worst thing you could do is not say anything at all to anyone as your silence & lack of presence could be interpreted as being rude, or not caring. That's why I suggest if you cannot visit due to your own state of mental health etc, at least be transparent with your family about it with a simple statement so their minds are left to wonder why you haven't showed up.

Obviously make sure and have all the conversations you want & need to vs. think about something and not discuss it.. becaue obviously there may not be another time to talk about ______. We're far from that stage with my father so those things haven't come to mind a lot yet for myself. However, the One thing I wish I could easily bring up with him is drugs. I WISH I could say "don't ask how I know any of this.. but dad, you relly need to eat these mushrooms." because magic mushrooms (literally the safest recreational drug on the planet) are not only an amazing experience, but they've been clinically proven to relieve death anxiety from cancer patients and allow them to be calm & at peace before they pass. I know from my own first hand use of them how they make you think & feel and it's the ONE human experience I wish was easily discussed with my father. He's very outwardly calm, but I know it must be tearing him apart thinking about it all - and I know that consuming some mushrooms & chocolate can change all of that for him. I'm still contemplating bringing it up sometime. I'm posting it here because I truly believe this is of incredible medical value to those who are terminal, and if it's something you're familiar with, you might feel similarly to myself about it.

Anyways, just visit as often as you can. They might not even WANT to get into deep emotional discussions & just want the same visits they've always had with you. Naturally there are going to be some conversations you have to be involved in with your siblings and mother about your father, his will/estate etc, funeral planning etc. Or at least you should be involved if you can handle it at all. Again, even if it's uncomfortable for you, stepping up and doing your part would mean a lot to your family - probably make your father proud, too. But, if you CAN'T because you're going to have a meltdown, at least communicate to your family that you cannot do abc or xyz due to your own health vs. just ignore them & have them think you're pretending like the situation doesn't exist. Maybe that's just me erring on the side of caution as maybe your family knows you well enough to know that you'd visit more if you could, but you're not coming because you can't handle it. ie I have a brother who hates going to hospitals, especially to visit someone who is dying. I think he would go and see our father even if he's uncomfortable with it, but, IF he didn't I would know it's not because he was being rude, he just can't cope with it like others can.

As for how else you can help or what you can give, maybe ask your family? Let them know you're feeling overwhelmed by all of this but still want to help with what you can, and give what time you can. Tell them you're not sure how you can be of help right now, but you'll do what you can if there's anything anyone needs your input or help with. Maybe they've got it handled and it'd just be a nice gesture for you to offer.. or maybe there's some task they really could use help with & you're just the guy to get it done. Won't know until you ask.


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AspieUtah
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31 Jan 2018, 8:51 am

Caring for someone who is at the end of life isn't about quantity of hours but quality of of the experience. While she didn't have cancer, my mother died recently surrounded by the people in her life. We would remind her about the things she did in her life (important or simply funny). It was at the times when she seemed distraught that we could coax a smile from her. If your father is receiving relief therapy, it means that his care providers realize that he might not have much time left.

Find the time to visit, call or chat with your father by FaceTime every day. Play the music he likes. Send flowers (they aren't "silly" when you are the one receiving them), or some of his favorite food items approved by his care providers. If your time is limited, pack as much into your visits as you can. Bring old photos, especially those when you were his little kid. Try to take some "family leave" time from your work on Fridays and Mondays when you could build a long weekend with him. For your own children, see this as a moment to teach them about caring for someone who is near death. It is also a time to show your father that he raised you well.

When your father dies, I hope you feel that you did your best to help him get through this last part of his life.

Good luck.


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AnneOleson
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31 Jan 2018, 3:31 pm

Yes to the above. Tell him you love him and thank him for being your dad.



gumpetung
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21 Feb 2018, 5:00 am

Thank you very much for all your advice and insights.

I have spend quite a lot of time with my farther over the last weeks. It's a good experience also he is slowly getting used to the thought of dying. Also antidepressants helped him a lot.

I do feel a mental block when preparing for a visit, but once there it is fine and he seems happy with me just being there.

Thank you all.



GiantHockeyFan
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21 Feb 2018, 8:04 am

I can certainly emphasize: my mother is terminally ill and is going downhill fast thanks to a rare genetic defect that our family has. My case is similar in that she has anywhere from 3 days to 3 years tops. All I can suggest is to try and remain as positive and 'normal' as possible. I am sure your father is like my mother in that they don't want to drag us down or be any more of a burden than they are. I am going over on the weekend to start looking at Nursing homes and I can at least take some comfort in knowing that we have plenty of time to prepare as I certainly didn't get that when I lost my child at birth.

gumpetung wrote:
he seems happy with me just being there.

That's the only thing that matters at this point. I will never forget flying to visit my Grandfather before he died: I was warned his mind was almost gone but he was perfectly lucid that day. Once we left he went right back to being semi-comatose. I will be forever grateful that my last memories of him were happy ones.

My Grandfather was probably the most stubborn person on the planet. He was drifting in and out of consciousness and when my Grandmother told him he didn't need to worry and she could make it on her own he was gone in literally minutes. Your Father clearly raised you well and already knows and understands how you feel so enjoy the time with no regrets.



smudgedhorizon
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21 Feb 2018, 2:10 pm

Too bad. I'm so sorry for your father! And so glad you're having a good time together.
My both grannies died from cancer so it was hard. I tried to entertain and comfort them as much as my people skills allowed. I'm sure your dad appreciates your efforts.


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21 Feb 2018, 3:16 pm

Sorry to hear about your father. Mine passed away around 10 years ago. I live abour 16 hours away from my parents. I visited for two weeks when he was placed on hospice. One of my sisters and her husband moved in with them. Around a year later, I was able to visit for his last week.
Try to be at peace with yourself, you can only do what your situation allows. Keep your spirits up so you can give your relatives emotional support.


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PurplePlumz
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04 Mar 2018, 6:30 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. :cry:

Find any appropriate time possible to visit, call or chat with him. Make or send him some of his favourite food, play his favourite songs, talk about subjects both you and him like, etc. Maybe you could arrange more family visits? If your children are particularly young, try to use this time also to teach them about caring for someone in this situation.

But even if you don't have the opportunities to visit him as you wish, think about the quality of your experiences with him than the quantity of them. Unfortunately, I didn't get those opportunities when my grandfather passed away recently. The last time I met him was when I was around 12 or 13 years old. My grandfather died when I just turned 16.

Deep apologies if anything I say isn't particularly helpful. I haven't experienced anything like this just yet.