Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

Page 42 of 47 [ 741 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45 ... 47  Next

sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

28 Jan 2018, 7:29 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

I am in the US, and I know I'm at least diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and depression - not sure that anything else is official, but that might be enough to get into vocational rehabilitation. I've looked into that, and I think that will be my next step if I'm still having no luck once I get my computer issues sorted out and am in a condition where I'm able to work again (right now, I'm so tired all the time, I probably wouldn't get much done without lots of breaks). I'll look into SSI, too, if getting that will help me qualify for other services.


Hugs I hope you feel better. you're nice lady.

It won’t be easy. They have to evaluate yiu and ask questions. Your need a lawyer, as they reject everyone so thst people who faking give up. The lawyers usually take their fees from your back pay.
Yeah it’ll get you into other programs and benifits. Like health insurance. Ticket to work, Rehab etc.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

28 Jan 2018, 7:42 pm

Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
I'm kind of wondering at what point I need to go to the hospital. I'm feeling very depressed, as much as I've ever been, and having thoughts of suicide, although I don't think I'm going to act on them. I don't trust myself not to hurt myself, though.

Last time, I don't think I actually needed to go to the hospital - all I needed was to stop taking the Abilify, which I could've done on my own, especially since I already thought it was the culprit.


I sometimes wonder if you are getting the help you need.
You seem to be finding your own way of getting through this.

I find doing tasks helps - trying to get through the day as if I don't have depression.
It's a bit like ignoring it, like when you have a cold and have to push on through.

I have walked outdoors more lately and I think this does help.
Cooked some healthy meals from scratch - this too helps me feels some kind of achievement.

I just wish I could do something artistic or creative with colour.
Perhaps I will be able to do this in the next few days.

I am wondering how you can remind yourself of your own uniqueness and worth.
How can you replace those unwanted thoughts with more self-compassion?


I think I do need more help than I'm getting. Part of why I'm wondering if I need to go back to the hospital is because I'm wondering if I need more intensive treatment than I can otherwise get. I've been trying to do chores and things as usual, but it doesn't seem to be helping - they engage my body but not my mind, so I still think unpleasant thoughts while I'm doing stuff like that, and I'm so tird all the time I just don't have the energy to do everything I could before. I'm trying to make sure I take Merlin for at least one walk a day instead of just letting him run around on his own in the yard or in the house to see if the exercise and fresh air helps. I don't know how to successfully replace my unpleasant thoughts with better ones - if I try telling myself positive things, the depressed part of my mind refuses to believe it.


This is where I think you probably need the help of a regular professional - to help you with those thoughts and deep seated beliefs. Be it a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist. Someone you get along with too.
You say you have internalised the external negative messages and are very critical of yourself, and this is what needs working on. I hope you can find the right person to do this with.
There is nothing from stopping you asking a professional if they have done this before with a client. Or asking them how would they work with you. You are entitled to question the helper to see if they match up to what you want. For example by telling them you want help with specific thoughts or low self-esteem.

It all takes time and there is no quick fix.


Yeah, I do need to be seeing my counselor and psychiatrist more often than I am - what I'm currently getting is clearly not adequate. We're still waiting to hear from the new psychiatrist I'm hoping to see, but I do have an appointment with the old one on February 2, at least - that's probably better than nothing.

I'm also feeling guilty because my mental health treatment is getting so expensive :(


There are charitable agencies who provide free counselling here in the UK - I volunteered for one.
Even though we get free health care here, the response to mental health is rubbish.
I am pushing to get some regular counselling but so far it has been just the odd support session where I am expected to utilise short psychosocial courses. Also the last one was cancelled due to sickness so I have been reassigned to another 'helper'. I won't call them counsellors because it isn't counselling.
But as you say, it is better than nothing. This next one might be more helpful.

I know why I am depressed but that does not mean I can easily just snap out of it. I need someone to bounce off of. This is how I learn and make better insights emotionally.

I am going to be doing more reflective writing soon and keeping a journal. I also need to improve my reflective writing so this would be a good way to do it. Keeping journals can really help to get important stuff out instead of it going around and round all day.

Have you ever kept a reflective journal Dragons?


I used to journal, and just write about whatever was on my mind. I don't do it a lot anymore - WP's kind of taken its place. I only do it if there's something on my mind I don't want to post on WP.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


300series
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Jan 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 735
Location: San Diego, California

30 Jan 2018, 4:50 pm

I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly right now, and I know how you feel. I remember the worst time of my life, when I was feeling the most depressed ever, I seriously considered suicide. It was so bad that even my pills stopped working. My life eventually improved over time, but I am still unhappy. I believe the same thing will come for you some day.



It would be no fun for you to spend your birthday in the hospital, but if you feel like you need to go back to the hospital, then I think you should go there. Are you excited about your birthday at all? Do you think part of your problem has to do with getting older & not enjoying things you liked in your past?



Another member on here suggested working in a library, and I thought I could give you some insight from my own experience. I have worked for the San Diego Public Library since 2009, and I still like it, but there are some things I do not like about the job. I started there as a volunteer back in 2007, and I was formally hired as an employee two years later. My job is a library aide, and most of my responsibilities on the job are things that I do by myself, for example, checking in books, putting books away, and collecting items that people have ordered from our library the be sent to other libraries. I do not have to do very much customer service; occasionally someone will ask me where they can find something, but that is usually all I do with the public. The other staff, like the library clerks, library assistants, and the head librarian do most of the customer service work, for example, working at the front desk, answering telephones, helping customers, dealing with complaints, and working with the public. I have never been interested in getting a promotion because the only other jobs are mostly customer service, which I can not do. If you are interested in library work, then you can tell the library staff that you are interested in working in the library, but you do not want to do any customer service, and that you would rather be a library aide or work alone. You could also volunteer at a library, if you are interested.



I really hope that you can get more help that what your current therapist is giving you; it does not seem to be working out very well. If you told the therapist that they are not helping you, then I hope they would understand. Maybe they can refer you to someone better.



I also understand about doing chores & work around the house, where you said that it engages your body but not your mind; I feel the same way. I can stay physically active, but I still have negative thoughts that will not go away. I just try my best to think about something more positive, but it is not easy for me.



I will still be here for you. Big dragon hugs.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

30 Jan 2018, 5:42 pm

300series wrote:
I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly right now, and I know how you feel. I remember the worst time of my life, when I was feeling the most depressed ever, I seriously considered suicide. It was so bad that even my pills stopped working. My life eventually improved over time, but I am still unhappy. I believe the same thing will come for you some day.



It would be no fun for you to spend your birthday in the hospital, but if you feel like you need to go back to the hospital, then I think you should go there. Are you excited about your birthday at all? Do you think part of your problem has to do with getting older & not enjoying things you liked in your past?



Another member on here suggested working in a library, and I thought I could give you some insight from my own experience. I have worked for the San Diego Public Library since 2009, and I still like it, but there are some things I do not like about the job. I started there as a volunteer back in 2007, and I was formally hired as an employee two years later. My job is a library aide, and most of my responsibilities on the job are things that I do by myself, for example, checking in books, putting books away, and collecting items that people have ordered from our library the be sent to other libraries. I do not have to do very much customer service; occasionally someone will ask me where they can find something, but that is usually all I do with the public. The other staff, like the library clerks, library assistants, and the head librarian do most of the customer service work, for example, working at the front desk, answering telephones, helping customers, dealing with complaints, and working with the public. I have never been interested in getting a promotion because the only other jobs are mostly customer service, which I can not do. If you are interested in library work, then you can tell the library staff that you are interested in working in the library, but you do not want to do any customer service, and that you would rather be a library aide or work alone. You could also volunteer at a library, if you are interested.



I really hope that you can get more help that what your current therapist is giving you; it does not seem to be working out very well. If you told the therapist that they are not helping you, then I hope they would understand. Maybe they can refer you to someone better.



I also understand about doing chores & work around the house, where you said that it engages your body but not your mind; I feel the same way. I can stay physically active, but I still have negative thoughts that will not go away. I just try my best to think about something more positive, but it is not easy for me.



I will still be here for you. Big dragon hugs.


I'm not really excited about my birthday, no. I do think getting older may be a part of my depression and stuff - I feel like I should be getting somewhere in life by now instead of living with my parents, being unemployed, and not making any discernible progress. Also I think just being depressed for so long (over a decade) is taking its toll on me - I haven't gotten much joy from life in all that time, and I'm getting very tired of living.

I'm probably looking at either full or partial hospitalization soon - I'm waiting to hear back about scheduling an assessment. Since my issues tend to be worse at night, I think full hospitalization may be best, but if I'd have to have a roommate, I think that would be detrimental enough to me that partial hospitalization, which would be spending much of the day there but not staying overnight, would be a better option in that case. I had a roommate my first year of college, and having absolutely no alone time or space that was entirely mine wreaked havoc on my mental health. If I vanish soon, it's probably because I'm in the hospital without access to electronic devices.

I'll look into potentially being a library aide or volunteering at a library once I'm in a condition to be working again. That would be perfect if I could get a job doing all the non-customer service things. My mom works at the library of the high school I went to, and I go in sometimes to help shelve books and stuff. They have students sometimes who are library aides - I usually go in to help when they don't have an aide for that semester. My mom's job involves a lot of interaction with the students.

Big dragon hugs back to you :)


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


300series
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Jan 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 735
Location: San Diego, California

31 Jan 2018, 2:20 pm

Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. When I was younger, I used to got a lot more excited about my birthdays; they were always a lot of fun, but they are not really exciting any more, now that I am older. Back when I was in my twenties, I also felt like I should have been making more progress than I was making; I always thought that I would have a good job with a lot more money, but instead, I was still living with my parents & going to school that I did not enjoy or gain anything from. I did not have any joy from my life either, and I saw no purpose of living. Maybe I was just comparing myself to the rest of society, any not realising that every one develops differently. Even now, I still feel like I am not very ambitious, so I know how you feel.



I have never gone to the hospital for depression, so I can not give you any advice about it. Privacy is extremely important to me too, and I would hate for you to have a roommate at the hospital if you have to go there. I understand that it is for your safety, but it would make me miserable too. Back when I was in my twenties, I lived with my Dad & his current wife, and I was extremely depressed & angry because I had no privacy at all with them in their house; his wife is very nosy & intrusive, and I could not deal with her constant demands. I did not even have a door on my bedroom, and I absolutely hated living there; my mental health severely declined. I was a lot happier when I finally moved out, but my depression did not get any better. I have never lived with a roommate before, and hopefully, I can still live alone & I will never have a roommate.



I hope you have success at a library either as a volunteer or as a library aide. It has been a good job for me, and I hope it can work for you. A job as a library aide does not really require any special kind of education or degree; you just need to have good organisational skills, good attention to detail, and not be really loud. I got my job as a library aide after volunteering for two years at the library, and the library staff thought I would do well as a paid employee, and I have had the same job for the last 9 years. It could work out well for you too.



I hope you will still be okay. 300 big dragon hugs back to you.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

10 Feb 2018, 10:02 pm

I'm finally back home after staying at the hospital for a little over a week. I don't really feel like talking about it right now, but just wanted to say I'm back.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,465
Location: Sagittarius A

10 Feb 2018, 10:09 pm

Welcome back dragon, it's good to see you.

Time to celebrate!


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

Temeraire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2017
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,509
Location: Wiltshire, U.K.

11 Feb 2018, 5:53 am

Me too, same as above.
Raleigh is back too.
It is gonna be a goodun today. :)



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

11 Feb 2018, 7:46 am

Welcome back, Ms Dragon



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

25 Feb 2018, 3:01 pm

Reviving this thread so I'm not cluttering up or bringing down anywhere else with this stuff...

I'm still feeling really guilty about continuing to live (but not quite enough so to do anything about it - I'd feel guilty about that, too). Aside from the emotional attachment some people have to me, everyone else would absolutely be better off without me, since I have absolutely nothing to contribute - I'm just a parasite, leeching off others to survive without giving anything in return. I don't want to keep living like this. I'm doing a partial hospitalization program which involves going there from 9AM to 3PM for group therapy stuff - my next step will be going to an intensive outpatient program, which is the same thing, only you finish at noon and they can't change your medications like they can with PHP. I can't wait to move to that so I can at least start looking for part-time work again.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Feb 2018, 3:20 pm

I wish I could get to know you in person, so I can dissuade you from that line of thought.

As a scientist, if you do the dialectic approach, it won’t add up to “parasite.”

It will add up to somebody who needs support temporarily, but will eventually come out of the doldrums.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

25 Feb 2018, 3:47 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wish I could get to know you in person, so I can dissuade you from that line of thought.

As a scientist, if you do the dialectic approach, it won’t add up to “parasite.”

It will add up to somebody who needs support temporarily, but will eventually come out of the doldrums.


I wish I had some sort of proof that it's only temporary, but even before my mental health issues got so bad, I still wasn't able to find a job I could possibly support myself on - the pay for the job I had wouldn't even have covered rent for the cheapest apartment I could find in the area. I know that doesn't necessarily mean I never will, but I have a hard time convincing myself that it's at all likely that I'll be able to support myself anytime soon.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Feb 2018, 6:39 pm

It will definitely be true if let it color your future.

I wish you had more hugs in your life.



300series
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Jan 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 735
Location: San Diego, California

26 Feb 2018, 9:44 pm

Hello again. I have been thinking of you & waiting to write to you again, but I saw your post which said that you did not want to talk about how you are doing; I was trying to be considerate of your feelings, which is the reason why I did not write back to you.



I am still sad to read that you are feeling guilty about your life, and I wish there was some way I could make you feel happier. I hope that the programmes at the hospital are helpful for you; I have never done anything like it before, so I can not tell you what they are like.



How was your birthday? How is Merlin doing?



I am still here for you, so feel free to write to me whenever you need help.



300 big dragon hugs.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

27 Feb 2018, 12:07 am

300series wrote:
Hello again. I have been thinking of you & waiting to write to you again, but I saw your post which said that you did not want to talk about how you are doing; I was trying to be considerate of your feelings, which is the reason why I did not write back to you.



I am still sad to read that you are feeling guilty about your life, and I wish there was some way I could make you feel happier. I hope that the programmes at the hospital are helpful for you; I have never done anything like it before, so I can not tell you what they are like.



How was your birthday? How is Merlin doing?



I am still here for you, so feel free to write to me whenever you need help.



300 big dragon hugs.


That's fine - I really appreciate the fact that everyone respected it when I said I didn't want to talk about my hospital stay. I actually got to go home on my birthday, which was a nice birthday present, even if I would rather have been home for my entire birthday (and I ended up having to wait an hour or so more than I should have to leave because of a lack of communication - which actually fits pretty well with the rest of my stay :roll: ). We celebrated my birthday a few days later by going out for dinner and dessert.

I think the groups have been helping a bit. I'm also being switched over to another medication - I don't remember what it's called. I was told it can also help with social anxiety, which would be a huge benefit as well. It's kind of strange, it seems to be making me appear more cheerful and be more talkative, but I don't actually feel any less depressed. I don't know what's up with the huge disparity between my demeanor and what I'm actually feeling.

Merlin's doing well. I don't remember if I mentioned here or not that we got a cat a few days before I went to the hospital. He's mostly orange with some white, and he's very playful and energetic. We named him Arthur, to go with Merlin. Merlin is very excited to finally have a cat who actually wants to play with him.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"