I want to end my life but I don't have the guts

Post Reply New Topic

I want to put an end to my life but I don't have the guts.

I'm a shy, unconfident, frightened, anxious, unlucky, weird freak who ain't good for nothing. Whatever job I look at the description always starts off with ''you must be outgoing and confident...'' or, ''you must have good experience and high IQ...'' or something else what is totally against me. I'd love to do a job where I'm at a computer (because that's what I've found out I'm the best at) but all the admin jobs out there still involves dealing with customers in some sort of way.

Customers, public, people, social, interacting, confidence - that's all life's about. The next person who says Autism is a gift is a f*****g proud liar because it is NOT, otherwise life wouldn't be so f*****g hard for me, would it! Why couldn't I f*****g be born NT - why f*****g AUTISM!! !! !! !! ! I f*****g hate it I WANT TO f*****g BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

I have such a healthy body - it has all gone to waste because I can't dress up and go out to clubs, showing off my sexy body to men becaue this nasty, cruel disability holds me back. If I do go to any bar, my f*****g ugly unconfident face would make them in the bar go, ''oh look at that girl what's she doing in here?''

What is so good exactly about going into a bar and showing off your body? Life is difficult, you just have to find something that brings a smile to your face. And it can come from the most unexpected places. What I've learnt is that the more you give to a relationship the more you get out of it. It doesnt come naturally.

Oops I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum - I should have done it in the haven.



But if only these NTs realised that staring at an innocent person in the street is a form of intimidation. And here we are, saying on WP that NTs know all social rules correctly. If that was true, they wouldn't stare at me weird, would they! They would think, ''oh I could tell by her face that she is feeling a bit unconfident at being out. Perhaps she's in a bad mood, or perhaps she's just got over a breakdown, or a stroke, or cancer even. I won't stare at her like she's an alien. I will either just smile or just walk by.''
I would have thought NTs knew better at telling how people are by their facial expressions, and considering their feelings, but I think I'm wrong. I think we're all wrong there - they ain't no better than us. Otherwise they wouldn't stare at me each time they walk by me. Fair enough if I was behaving in a weird way, but when I'm just walking along being normal like everybody else....

Last edited by Joe90 on 02 May 2011, 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeh but it's the norm - and it's what I want to do, but can't. I have nobody to go with, and if I did they'll probably stay there all night and I soon get bored and agitated and want my bed (yes, I'm 21 years old yet I want to crawl off to bed early like an elderly woman). I look on facebook at all my cousins and school friends, and even the shy ones (and the weird ones) all seem to be going on and on about some bar they went to this week-end, and I'm like ''everyone but me is going to bars. Am I missing out? Am I abnormal? Am I getting old before my time? Am I stupid? What?''

I'm inclined to agree. I don't see them having any more empathy than we do.

I used to think I must be missing out on something with the bar thing too, but after going to some, I still don't get what the big deal is about them. As33 is right. You just need to find what makes you happy, and it doesn't need to be what makes most other people happy.

Believe me, I have those moments of hating life too, though.

If you have a healthy body and you are a nice person with an attractive personality, men will want you, period.

Please don't kill yourself, you probobly have alot to live for. Alot of people would be sad if you did.

Killing yourself is the most selfish thing you could do!

Agreed.

Healthy - For a woman of childbearing age, multiply your height in inches by 2 to obtain your "ideal" weight in pounds. This value may vary by as much as 10 % either way, depending on your bone structure.

Nice - Pleasant, polite, attentive. This means no complaints about what some other guy did to you last week, or the mean things your parents did to you when you were in grade school, or how you can't live up to what "everyone else" thinks you should be. It also means no "mind games" - just say what you mean and mean what you say; let your 'yes' mean 'yes' and your 'no' mean 'no'; and always keep your word.

Attractive - Bathed, well-groomed, and well-dressed. No fashion-model or provocative clothing; and if a man can notice that you are wearing make-up or perfume, then you are wearing too much of either.

Personality - Believe it or not, there are men who do not enjoy talking about sex, sports, and work all of the time. So why should a woman want to talk only about relationships, clothing, and who's cheating on who? Read magazines like Wired, National Geographic, Scientific American, and ask some good-looking guy what he thinks about Japanese advances in robotics, the Roman influence on modern Celtic culture, or the significance of the discovery of the Higgs boson ... and keep looking at his lips when he speaks ... he'll get the message that you are a smart girl, with an interesting mind who may be curious about what else his lips could do ...



I have AS. Once the diagnosis was official, I determined to make the most of my strengths instead of blaming AS for holding me back. My talents with music, technology, drafting and writing keep me employed - how many people do you know who can back-engineer a 30-year old synthesizer, draw up the schematics, write out the manual, and then play the darn thing? None of THAT requires any social interaction. This is the kind of work that I do for a living - bringing 20-30 year old technology up-to-date for my employer. I've been there for a dozen years, and have received raises and awards each year, even though my yearly review also points out my deficient social skills.

Joe, what I'm trying to say in my own roundabout way is that you can focus on your talents - those things that you are good at - and gain a reputation for being competent in a specialized area; and if a woman wants men to be attracted to her, she should work at being attractive.

Ending your life won't solve anything. I know, it's hard. But there are so many things yet to discover, to do. Be glad you don't have the guts to end your life, it means you still think there are things worth living for!

Why don't you start learning programming languages? There are many tutorials to be found online and many jobs available. It's one of the things behind a computer in which you have little to nothing to do with customers?

Expand your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Maybe a job where you only have to deal with customers online could be something for you, so you don't have to see them face to face or actually talk to them.


About the whole 'showing your body in bars' part, you're not missing out on anything! The only guys that go for those women are the ones looking for one night stands. If you have a good body, why don't go to the gym or start jogging to improve it even more? It may actually help you with your social awkwardness and guys love girls that have the determination to keep an amazing body amazing!

Joe - first of all - do NOT do anything bad to yourself! I always say this but if you're depressed, see a doctor immediately!

Second - computer programmers don't have to have much interactional skill at all. I did take a programming summer course when I was like 16 but I forgot everything from in, but basically, if you were interested, you could learn to design websites and then create them for pay from the comfort of your... of wherever you and your computer are! For one example.

I know you don't want to hear this but I do think there are special benefits to being different from the norm. There are special difficulties of course, social difficulty being a big one, but you are the most perfect "Joe90" (to put it weirdly) that there is. If you know what I mean. And if you don't, I'll try to put it better. Anyway I'm sorry you feel bad but DON'T harm yourself, tell someone who can help you medically.

Please get those thoughts out of your head right now! You are a good, worthwhile person with a marketable talent- If you're good with computers and can handle programming, why not consider studying computer science? From what I'm told, programmers do straight coding and don't have to deal with customers and co workers. I know several AS men who make quite a handsome living programming and their social skills are worse than mine!!

I wish I had those skills but I'm not computer savvy like you nor do I have good social skills that most of my non-techie NT friends have but I still haven't given up. I'm seeing a career counselor (one that specializes in AS) to help me find my place in life. Maybe you could go see a counselor.

Here's is a link that will help you in career selection and they will tell you which careers require a lot of analytic skills and very few social skills; http://www.onetonline.org/

Warm Regards from one Aspie to another,

Allie Kat
http://www.myaspergerslifestory.com/

Last edited by AllieKat on 02 May 2011, 8:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm glad you've chosen to share your thoughts on here, rather than trying to deal with this on your own.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. The last few times I've had thoughts about ending my life, I've phoned the Samaritans. They're not perfect, but they can help: http://www.samaritans.org/

I have nothing to say to make you feel better.

I have been a suicidal case most of my adult life, I have even made some attempts at overdose and have tried to kill myself with car fumes and have tried to hang myself [never could actually jump no matter how drunk I got].

I have not made any attempts in over a year and lately have had only limited suicidal ruminations.

I think I sympathise. I think some of my issues are similar and based in the same sense of belonging/self esteem area.

Since diagnosis I have done a lot of thinking, I have realised that I am actually asocial, that my need to belong feelings were based more in feeling that I should belong - after all those are the social messages we are raised with.

You are young ok, there is a long journey ahead if you want to make it, life is not all beer and skittles it is like a blank page, sometimes what gets written is good and sometimes it's bad, that is just how it is.

Good luck, peace j

I don't think I would be thinking this if everyone in the street didn't look at me like I got 2 heads. Fair enough if I was acting weird, but when I look nice, act normal, walk up straight, look grown-up and feminine, wear nice jewellery, and have a trendy handbag, and just look no different to any other person of my age.....it makes me very self-conscious. Every day I look in the mirror and check myself out - and I look as good as anyone else. And often when I see someone I know, they sometimes say, ''you look nice.''

I don't get how I can stand out anyway, because everybody you see are different sizes, colour skin, taste of clothes, posture, heights, hairstyles, looks, personality, and in different moods. We're not all a line of soldiers marching along in rhythm in all exactly the same clothes and the same builds.

Maybe everyone gets looked at that way and you are hypersensitive to it (I think I am too).

Also, if you are have a slightly unusual dress sense or appearance, and I mean that in a positive way, people might be more prone to looking at you.

A third thing - I have a kind of hunched-over shifty nervous demeanor a lot of times that might make people instinctually look at me. I don't mind that, I know they don't mean anything by it and I do have a kind of odd demeanor, so...

In any case, try not to worry (I know it's not easy), but you're a great person so just think that as you walk along... "I'm a great person, and if that isn't obvious to other people, they're not too perceptive!"

I hope this is true. When I go places, I see some awful people! They make me look at them. There is somebody who gets on my bus, who never washes his clothes and wears a dirty coat. I know where he lives - he has a nice house, so he's not a tramp or anything. He is retired, and he goes into the pub a lot, so he does have money to spend (plus he gets a pension). You could tell he just doesn't look after himself, and you could smell him from right at the other end of the bus. Surely he must get some odd looks, because people (especially young, critical people) must get offended. I do - I don't like to sit anywhere near him. My mum says he's weird.

Not only that - I see worse people than that about. I look a beauty queen compared to them.

I get some men looking at me, but in a nice way (which is a compliment). But when women look at me, they look in a critical way, or they look as if they either hate me or are about to burst out laughing or something.