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Cafeaulait
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08 Aug 2014, 12:23 pm

Today I was hit with it again: I f*****g hate to have aspergers.

It´s freaking summerholiday now and the post two months I have done absolutely nothing! How pathetic is that?
I should go outside and do things with friends and chillax and go outside and have done. But the past two months I have done nothing but sitting in my room and trying to find out what is wrong with me!! Trying to find the final piece of the puzzle, trying to find people like me. And everytime I lose because I realize how fruitless it is what I am doing.
I want to live my life to the fullest but I'm afraid I will fail at everthing having to do with social contact due to my aspergers.

1. I am jealous of my neurotypical friends that I see sailing, dancing, going outside, having hobbies, making money. I'm not doing that because of my soclal impairments and I freaking HATE IT. When can't I have the guts and social emotional skills to do that?
2. Because of my aspergers I won't succeed in every job that I want to do. I studied psychology for 4 years just to discover that I am autistic. It will be extremely hard for me to become a psychologist, because I do not have enough empathic skills and the thought of facing an angry PTSD client just freaks me out.
3. My aspergers poses a huge disadvantage for me when I comes to dating. I am already 20 pounds overweight and biracial which put me at a disadvantage, and now I also have this stupid autistic disorder. I doubt I am going to find a guy that I will be attracted to me and vice versa and that I can be in long-term stable relationship with.
4. I want to be around people so bad and feel extremely bored and lonely right now, but I can't stand to be around strangers eithers, hate busy places and don't even feel optimally at ease with my friends. I want emotional intimacy, I want to feel truly and really connected to people, be comfortable around them, feel safe, but I don't feel I can be safe with them.

I CAN'T STAND being alone in my house bored, but I CANNOT RELAX whenever I am around most others. God I wish I was normal. I wish I was a sociable person. I wish I could feel comfortable around strangers at a party. I wish I could be myself.



sly279
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08 Aug 2014, 1:10 pm

^similar, though I don't have friends. if I did and they would do stuff with me. I would love to go out and do things, but i can't do them alone. :(



little_blue_jay
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14 Aug 2014, 1:48 am

pezar wrote:
if a woman is still looking for a date at 38 she's damaged goods.


:?

I'm 37 and still single.

You talking about all women or just NT women?


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RAADS-R score: 196


queensamaria
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16 Aug 2014, 8:26 pm

You can't hate Asperger's. It's part of who you are. You should accept it, and do something positive with your life. Trust me.



Derek281
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05 Apr 2015, 10:27 pm

At least you found out about it when you were young. When I found about it it answered a lot of questions but I needed those answers sooner in life. Now you know what your up against and can devise a strategy to deal with it avail yourself of help.



Aniihya
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07 Apr 2015, 7:20 pm

I agree with queen. You should stop being in denial and are only holding yourself back. I managed to somehow cope regardless of severe social disabilities to the point that I can live independently and still am somewhat avoidant. You just have to stop seeing Aspergers as a disability and gain some confidence. If you don't go out, you will never improve your social ability.



Bataar
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09 Apr 2015, 1:17 pm

Aniihya wrote:
I agree with queen. You should stop being in denial and are only holding yourself back. I managed to somehow cope regardless of severe social disabilities to the point that I can live independently and still am somewhat avoidant. You just have to stop seeing Aspergers as a disability and gain some confidence. If you don't go out, you will never improve your social ability.

Speaking for myself, I need a reason to go out. Typically, none of my interests require that I go out, or require that I need someone with me which usually doesn't happen. It seems there's a mythical place referred to as "out there". And if I'm ever able to get "out there" my life will dramatically improve. No one has ever been able to give me any more information than that. My quest to find "out there" has always failed.



Joe90
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09 Apr 2015, 4:01 pm

I was diagnosed with the s**t when I was 8, but I wish I wasn't. I know a lot of people say it's best to be diagnosed earlier in life but I'd rather have not been diagnosed so early. My diagnosis was somehow blabbed to the whole class, and the kids seemed afraid of me just because I had this label, and I might as well of had AIDS or some other disease, from the way I was rejected and avoided. I often sensed that ''eww, don't go near Jo!'' vibe.

I remember once at High School when a girl (let's say A) liked to sit next to me in one of the lessons where we didn't really know the other kids, and then one of her friends (let's say B) stood at the classroom door talking to A, (don't know what this kid was doing out of her lesson and where our teacher was), and B asked A in a critical way ''why are you sitting next to Jo??'' I could tell A felt embarrassed suddenly, but didn't want to upset me. So she had to say ''she's my friend'' in a jokey sort of way. I often had a lot of that sort of reaction around me, and I imagined how life would be so different if I were NT and just fitted in with those girls and been part of their group. I probably would have hung out with them because they were tomboyish and so was I, so if I hadn't had this s**t holding me back from being a normal kid, I would have just been accepted. I hated being ''the kid with something wrong''.

I don't see AS as ''who I am''. I feel like it was something that mysteriously developed when I was 4 years old. I have boxes and boxes of different photos of myself as a baby, and even some videos, and we've kept my baby log where the parents write down when the baby reaches their milestones and stuff. All of that is enough evidence that shows that not even the most fully qualified Autism professional in the world would not have recognised that I was an Aspie baby. I was sociable, playful, cuddly, and reached all of my milestones typically. I interacted typically with my peers at preschool, and wasn't bothered by loud background noise. I played with toys like a typical child (never obsessively lined toys up or other stuff like that). I loved participating in activities as a toddler, like when we went on a Teddy Bear's Picnic with the preschool. The children's mums or dads came along too, and my mum remembers that day well and took photos of me with other children. One of the photos had me sitting among a group of other children playing with each other's teddies, and I was smiling and looking like I was enjoying myself, and I looked rather intrigued in the little game we must have all been playing with our teddy bears. All of the photos I had of being 4 and under was just photos of a typical toddler. Another photo I have is of me on my auntie's knee at a family gathering. I think I was about one and a half, and I looked rather excited at all the noise and kids running about. My face was hardly ever blank in photos, and I always looked ''with it''.

To make a long story short, I feel I started off as NT, then something went wrong in my brain in my forth year of life. But I've never really felt that AS has ever fitted me. When I started school I was very, very anxious. Everything worried me, as though I thought something was out to get me at school. I used to cry a lot, and be rather demanding on the teacher. It was like I had this anxiety that was weighing me down. I remember playing well with the other children (before I got a diagnosis), but I feel like I have always been a shy, sensitive NT with social anxiety, and struggled a bit with my school work due to lack of attention. I mean, I never had any special interests until puberty started, and even then I just had special interests with certain people. But because I had a label slapped on me at 8, that's when suddenly my approval of other kids came down, because, like I said earlier in this post, my diagnosis was somehow blabbed to all the other kids and they became afraid of me for some reason. So then I started to feel rejected and lonely, which affected my self-esteem, and it turned into a vicious circle.


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Ecomatt91
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10 Apr 2015, 5:32 pm

I used to hate Aspergers when I was younger. Now I am 24, doing a Masters degree at University of Queensland in Brisbane. I have two scholarships and potential jobs. I don't hate my disabilities (I have hearing loss too) today because I found out there are ways of people accepting who I am. Like a scholarship, doing a postgraduate degree and potential job offers.

During the time I hated ASD is that when people always controlling my life. I was socially isolated, labeled as a sexual hasser, creepy and all of that. I learnt that people are not always friendly when they come to meet people in the public. Now I choose to ignore them, in some circumstances I may to report on them. I experienced serious consequences when people continually to mock me during at college during my UG degree.

Its my first semester at a large university and a capital city. I never lived in a city before. I find social events quite welcoming to me due to my interests, passion and relation to my studies. I met people have similar interests with me. This makes me to enjoy life more than hating on myself. Of course I still meet people who are rude to me. They mostly be convinced with alcohol parties attitudes, have a tea-party sort of attitudes or plain narrow minded. Unfortunately, Australians in general have education mind-of issues. That the case there people experiences racism and discrimination.

I am an Aussie, but I don't that because I respected myself as an unique person and this means I do a same to other people with diverse backgrounds. So, I see people harass or bully (insults mainly) or pretend to be a friend with me are not exactly right people to hang with.

Of course times is very slow to make friends with especially just moved to a big city and attending to large university. It been 3 months so far. I did enjoyed life more than my first three months at my UG course! The differences I learnt is that I have more experiences than before and I have been trained by counsellors of understanding the variety of social skills, body language, relationships and body language.

So my advice for all of you people hating on yourself. I guess you need a change. Like I do, moved from a regional area where I lived for entire life. I moved to the city, to meet more people and get a career. That what many NTs do as well. They do hate on themselves a same way as you aspies do. So, it is not an ASD matter. Its for many young people out there trying to find a right world for them.



lumpyspacegoddess
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18 Apr 2015, 6:25 am

I hate having aspergers. Not that my life would be less crap without it though, all the traumas in my life are outside influences which can't be controlled or resolved in any way.

I often joke to myself I have 3 "strikes" in the eyes of society here (UK)...1. Female 2.Aspergers 3. I'm under 30. No one cares about anyone under 30, if your under 30 and have no money or particular talent you are then cast off as a "waster", "thug" ect. It's worse when you have a disability, particurlarly aspergers, and especially when you've grown up in a poorer community like I have.



Warriorgoddess
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05 Jul 2016, 1:21 am

Yeah, i know it sucks. You guys are funny. At least it's not too serious like a severe autustic. there's hope, hang in there...



clay5
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05 Jul 2016, 1:39 am

I hate it too.
If I were NT I could have sex, relationships, jobs, friends. I know that many of you can get those things, but I personally can't. Gonna die an isolated virgin.
I also hate the social phobia and anxiety that this condition has brought about.
I hate that I didn't know I have this condition when I was growing up. Childhood and teenagehood were the worst.



McCat
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05 Jul 2016, 5:51 pm

Me too.

Only people I know are my parents and my shrink. I don't know anyone.
Once my parents die, I'll be all alone.
I can't take care of a pet or something. So what will make live worth living once my parents die?
I don't have a job. Or any interests.
I would love a friend, but people tend to really dislike me



Eclipse247
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09 Sep 2016, 7:09 am

I don't hate it. I have harnessed it to my advantage to become succesful until burnout hit. I am undiagnosed and only recently took the tests and came out on the spectrum. I have an Aspie son. The price of burnout cost me a marriage, career and hundreds of k's in lost cash through bad decisions. However, I think I get myself back in the saddle if I work at it, but the sense of waste and loss is enormous.



Kitty4670
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09 Sep 2016, 4:34 pm

McCat wrote:
Me too.

Only people I know are my parents and my shrink. I don't know anyone.
Once my parents die, I'll be all alone.
I can't take care of a pet or something. So what will make live worth living once my parents die?
I don't have a job. Or any interests.
I would love a friend, but people tend to really dislike me



I feel bad for you, not knowing anyone. I don't talk to toooooo many people, I talk to people online & talking to people on Facebook in a group of my town, but never met anyone. I really don't get along with my whole family. I'm having hard time taking care of my cat. I don't a job either. I know what it like being alone, I have family, but I still feel alone. I can be your friend if you want.



FluttercordAspie93
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09 Sep 2016, 4:50 pm

queensamaria wrote:
You can't hate Asperger's. It's part of who you are. You should accept it, and do something positive with your life. Trust me.


^
This.