purchase wrote:
The more I think about it this has set the pattern for my whole life. Narcissistic mother who places herself-esteem in my achievements of lack therefore and berates me the way a suicidal person berates themself, with that intensity, when I "shame" her. I'm already feeling as low as I can and then to have her using me as her punching bag is the worst. Nobody in the family really understands but she's the worst, she's made it so that I've come to expect attacks that would be low coming from a catty 13-year-old girl periodically then she apologizes and I just take it cause what else can I do, she's my mom, first of all I depend on her and second you're supposed to love your mom and supposed to accept sincere apologies. But the apologies take up 1% of the time and the rest id attacks.
I can relate to this too, having had most of the issues with my mother since I turned a certain age...we got on well when I was small.
She has long trivialised my feelings, and expected me to be rational, and not show emotions. It has made life very difficult, and I don't know if she is autistic spectrum herself, or what explains it. A lot of my past self harming came down to the things she said, and my inability to express myself without hitting a brick wall, not that I have ever told her that.
I dont envy you living in that situation, it can really drag down your self worth.
In the end, I moved in with a boyfriend and never moved back with my mother.
She could be very manipulative, and can still be thus.
Sadly, you always have that bond and that hope that your mother will still be a mother when you have grown up, and it always disappoints and hurts when that fails to happen.
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I am diagnosed as a human being.