Can't stop obsessing over things I don't want to obsess over

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I found a way to get over my most recent, obsession, a certain girl..

For me I obsess over anything until I've either created it, or solved it, so my advice (sorry don't know how helpful this is) is to find a resolution, if you can't find one, MAKE ONE within yourself and place it as a boundaries that others must understand, those that want to, will.

I spent my life thinking everyone was stupid, and I realised its simply an abundance of social intelligence, most people are so skilled in this degree they simply talk, just to talk, totally naive to the amount of tripe that spills forth.

I think one of the most important things of all is to be yourself, and if at points you have to be something you're not, have a way to cool yourself down or let it all out, otherwise it turns to anger, or hatred towards a world undeserving.

Yes so many aspects of the world are f****d, but we can do so many things to enjoy it, to be a part of society in our own unique way, no one can go as far as you in whatever you choose to do, take yourself where none can go, into you.

A lot of people are going to have trouble putting themselves in a category when they see things the way that I do. It feels wrong to see myself as "bad" while another type is "good" and somehow better than I am. I am all too familiar with the activities of the other type. A lot of the "bad" things that I got caught doing and got hurt for were the same things but the other type was embedded in society in such a way that they usually automatically got away with it. I didn't do such a thing, but it was common that someone who was "inside" could get away with stealing. I couldn't get away with anything because my mother and others knew they could get me to spill my guts just by pushing emotional buttons. Calling me a liar when they knew I was telling the truth was part of their head trips so I would wind up doing whatever it took to tell them the whole story.

That is to illustrate that I feel like they, the so-called normals, forced me into a negative category that created a false picture of who and what I was. Some of the pshrinks "thought" that it was irrelevant how my condition came to be and that the treatment would still work, but they forced me into a situation where the causes of my problem became even worse and the chances that I would become better became much smaller.

Are you sure that your friend doesn't know what he's doing and that he's wrong?

Oh wow... I seriously needed to think a lot about your last post. Now that I think of it, my friend DID complain once or twice about how he felt that he got slammed every time he made a mistake, but if I were to make a similar mistake, people would let me get off easy. Yeah, that would be a big reason why he resented me so much. I am not exactly sure why people treated us differently online, but I guess that it was because I was part of the "in" crowd in such a big way that it eventually became almost like one NEVER questioned how helpful I was. People might have put me on a pedestal and it was nearly impossible to knock me off that pedestal. In reality I think my friend was on the pedestal as well, but got uncomfortable with it (due to his believing that people had unrealistically high expectations of him), and therefore voluntarily jumped off that pedestal. It's the reason why I used to tell him repeatedly that his behavior was not a problem, his AS was not a problem, the only problem he had was a self esteem issue. My friend, looking at me from below, got resentful and at many points I thought he was jealous of me for some reason, though I could never figure out why. Hmm, he also thought that I had a lot of friends, when in reality they weren't friends, I simply had a lot of acquaintances. However I think that that's only because people will gravitate towards somebody who is a teddy bear, always giving. Most of the people went away and never really gave back to me whenever I had a problem, so would I consider those people as friends? Hell no. But my friend seemed jealous that I seemed popular. Hmm, the last time we talked to each other two months ago, he tried to hurt my feelings verbally. I think he might've been trying to knock me down from the pedestal, so to speak.

To be brutally honest, no, I cannot be 100% sure that he does not know what he is doing. Based on his responses, I had always gotten a feeling that he knew what I was saying (about how to improve his situation) was true, but that he either did not want to accept it, or was resentful that he had to hear it from ME specifically. He always eventually acknowledges that he is wrong in an argument, but always accompanies that acknowledgment with some kind of bad, sarcastic remark against me. I swear that he sees me as the popular big brother or father figure, and he sees himself as the down and out awkward nerd. He has never seen that I'm *still* the down and out awkward nerd, but I've learned to let go of the jealousy and rage, and accept my AS. AS has a lot of strengths, and when used effectively to my advantage, I can attract acquaintances fairly easily. I've tried to tell him repeatedly how similar we are, and that I know exactly how he feels, but he refuses to believe me.

Disclaimer: In that online game, as well as in real life, I actively downplay any accomplishments or positive attributes that I have, almost to the point of looking like I believe that I can never do anything right. I do this because I'm wary that situations like this could happen. However, a lot of people notice this in me and interpret it as a highly-developed sense of humility, and then they like me more.

It can't always go the way of big brother looking after little brother or someone being the wizard's apprentice. I may have given up a dream but I had to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. What he can't see as wrong I see as a deal-breaker. He probably thinks that I don't want my dream and never did. I think I need to form my own opinion.

More than anything I need room to be myself. He didn't seem to allow for that. When I was young I was even worse about that because so many people tore into me so often that I had to shut them out and filter what went in. Even if my decisions about what to filter were wrong, I had to make them. I still have to do that, even if it is wrong from someone's viewpoint. It's always going to be wrong from the viewpoint of someone who wants something from me and can't understand that I might have good reasons for not giving it. Your friend may be, figuratively speaking, hanging on to his last dollar.

I have imposed on people myself before because they couldn't straighten it out themselves. Sometimes it does help. Sometimes you have to let go.

Your post really clinched in my mind that you are like my friend.

You're right, there was just something wrong with the big brother/little brother relationship. In a way, perhaps I do in fact like being treated as the big brother to everybody, because I like the security that that feeling gives me, and I like the safe, comforting feeling of being part of a "family," so to speak. However, I am noticing now that this kind of relationship only really works if the other person is independent and has already come into his own, if you know what I mean. The person should already be comfortable being himself, be reasonably independent-minded, and have some awareness of himself and of other people. I *never* could have been like a big brother while I was teenager, and I barely did it at all when I was an undergraduate. It was only when I began working, and also now in graduate school, that I've been able to act like this. It's only been the past 6 years that I've been like this. And for the most part, the "little brother" or "little sister" is already in his or her 20s, and making decisions in his or her own life.

My friend is not yet at that point in his life. He is still in high school, and is heavily dependent on parents and the family. He has complained to me a lot about his inability to control his own life, to make decisions for himself, and yes he thinks that I'm controlling him. The biggest point that he had about making the illogical decision, was that he made the decision for himself. So I knew that deep down, it was really important for him to be able to decide for himself, even if it meant that the choice was illogical. Because I favored a different choice, he did not want to pick it, because otherwise he would feel that I was making him pick it. This insistence on making his own decisions, be it poor, frustrated me, but I have since come to terms with it. I remember how staunchly independent I desperately wanted to be when I was a teenager, and I hated that my parents had opinions about everything. In retrospect, though, I realize now how often they really were right about things, it's just that I didn't want to listen. I had to see and learn for myself... and in the ensuing years in college and when I worked, I learned the hard knocks way. Only then did I appreciate what my parents had done for me. I don't really think that this aspect is necessarily AS-related, as the way I described it, I could imagine NT teenagers doing the same thing.

I do accept now that I had been too protective of my friend. I wanted to help him, but by trying to help him, I was probably hurting him in the long run. He is like how I used to be, it's probably for the best that he see and learn for himself what his actions do. As an independent, mature adult, he'll need to be able to handle the consequences of his actions, both good and bad. Maybe he will come into his own and maybe he won't. I'll be sad to see if he has not yet reached that point of self-acceptance by age 30, but in the end he has to mature at his own pace. I have to let go. And when my friend eventually learns and appreciates what exactly I had done, maybe 5-10 years in the future, he will talk to me again on his own and be happy that at least one person in his past even bothered to care.

Were you in the little brother position previously? If you were to establish a friendship with the big brother person now, do you think that it would go better than before? If so, how? If not, why not?



What exactly do you think you were looking for, from the big brother who didn't quite give what you wanted? Were you looking for some kind of emotional support? Somebody to give you confidence in your own decision-making process? To guide you and yet not control you? Do you think that you would be happy in the big brother position, as opposed to the little brother position?

I'm just wondering that I totally fcuked up this friendship, and if there is any possibility at all that anything good will come out of this friendship. In other words, will we actually *ever* be good friends, or is there just no hope at all? Now my mind is wandering again, out of control, wondering about the gloomy possibilities.

Puppy, you need to just be his friend for a while.

What did I want from the last "big brother"? I'm over 40. I didn't expect to be in the little brother role at all and I rejected it when I understood that was where it was heading. He didn't know when he was getting out of line. We butted heads for a while and then I told him that I was shoving off. There are things that he could have given me but I don't see myself as really wanting anything from him but space. He hates it when I don't just take his word for things, also.

You really can't "big brother" someone unless he wants you to. You know that someone who is around the age of 18 has already had his fill of people trying to tell him how to live. Most likely the majority of those don't know what they are talking about or don't tell him anything useful if they do know. Some of them are also malicious. It is very necessary for him to find his own way.

I wasn't nice and there is little excuse for my behavior. I can't even apologize to him and say I'm sorry I was mean but I can't hang out with him and his group. In this case there is a matter of conscience but the dynamic is the same.

That's what I'm doing now, I'm giving him space. I haven't talked to him in over two months.



Why were you friends with him?
Yeah I can understand that being force-fed ideas in a dogmatic way can be frustrating. I've had to eat such ideas many times in the past, and I hate it. But in my opinion I was very careful not to do this same thing to my friend. I like to explain the reasoning behind ideas, and I do believe that there is a reason for everything. However, even explaining the reasoning was not good enough for my friend. In the end it could very well be a case of saying something that he didn't like, and just couldn't deal with that.



You're right, I can't "big brother" anybody unless the other person is willing to listen. However, I'm the kind of person who accepts being "big brothered," so long as I accept the reasoning behind it. I think that I consider anybody who is willing to "big brother" me AND to be "big brothered" by me as an excellent friend. I'm all in favor of a balance of power in any kind of relationship. Actually, I have a very strong suspicion that my friend really liked it when he was able to teach me things, to show and explain things to me that he was really knowledgeable about. So I would conclude that he is more than willing to "big brother" me.

I can only tell people something useful if they are honest with me. I don't profess to know everything, but if somebody comes to me with a problem, I come up with the best solution that I can think of. That's far from being malicious. My friend admitted to not being honest almost from the start, so really there wasn't much I could do about this. It's the way that he wants to lead his life, so be it. Yes he should find his own way, and if he never can find any way at all, that would be unfortunate.



Regardless of everything that had happened, I had apologized profusely to my friend for my mistakes. I was sorry for not being supportive enough, not giving him space, and overreacting whenever he made mistakes. He has yet to make meaningful apologies, because he is unwilling to admit that he did anything wrong. It's part of the wall that he has built up to protect himself from self-destructing. Telling me, "I'm sorry for calling you a best friend when you really aren't" is not a meaningful apology to me. Such a comment is more like angry retaliation against me.

The man and I shared a common interest. We reached a place where we had a basic disagreement that seemed to take the acquaintance a different direction. I had trouble believing it, even, because he seemed to do a complete 180. His philosophy changed, or so it seemed to me, and things just seemed to go really really wrong.

I wonder if it was even appropriate for me to interject in this conversation. I needed to look at a parallel situation, I think.

Remnant,

Don't worry about interjecting at all! If I didn't want anybody's opinions about everything that happened, I wouldn't have exposed my guts out on an online public forum, let alone continue the conversation with you. I appreciate all the feedback you have given me, and it's given me a lot to think about. Thank you very much for helping me out, this conversation was incredibly useful and helpful for me. You gave me some insight into how my friend probably feels about things that I didn't really consider before, and I did not understand fully how significant those things were.

I hope that this conversation did not resurrect some bad memories for you, as that was definitely not my intention. However, if you felt compelled to look at this parallel situation, I hope that you managed to get something meaningful out of this conversation as well! Either way, I wish you the best of luck in finding what you are looking for.

It did help. If nothing else, it gave me more chances to try to think things through.

Excuse the rant:


I don't think I can hold it together any more....

Every thought causes headaches, everytime I think I've found a true partner or friend, I find they're gaining my trust, over a course of weeks, to rip into me and show me how horrible I am.

Before you say are you sure they know they're doing let me put it this way:

If someone looked right into your eyes and said "I love you *insert name here*" after say 8 months of on and off fighting, you would tend to believe them yes.. If they also talked for hours with you about a way in which the relationship can work, you would also believe they are loyal and care about your well being yeh?

Ok... so ... she rings me up, we talk for say an hour or so, good conversation... I ring her later in the evening, and as I'm talking she starts to make little comments about my arrogance, followed by some hint that I'm like eminem (I dont get it either!), followed by "I don't love you" and followed by hanging up the phone and pulling it off the hook..

I feel totally worthless cause I've gave it my all, and the one moment I ran out of energy and broke down, she knew cause she has known me for a while and decided to abuse me with say 10 different insults and follow it with the hanging up...

See you might think this is the result of emotional stress, but if she did this WHILE laughing do you think its narcissism of the highest calibre? I find it so hard to understand because she is so sweet to me for weeks on end, until I open up and kind of forget how it was..

What I don't know how to do, is get myself out of it, I can't move, I can't think, I can't really believe in me because I'm so stupid I can't even tell if someone is toying with me or not, I still blame myself.

Some of you might recall my overwhelming optimism and joy at discovering a partner whom I could work with, it seems I've been totally played the fool, and yet again I realise what I thought was love, was simply a tactic to get close enough to pierce what I care about most.

I told her the only way to hurt me was to cut it off without resolution, so guess what she does next? Insults me 10 times then vanishes for a day or two.

f**k I've forgiven her already but I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't seem to get away from it, I can't seem to ignore her without feeling guilty....

Any suggestions?

yeah



If you don't mind my asking, could you give examples of the kinds of comments she makes? And what exactly she says as insults against you? It's not that I don't believe you, but I'd like to figure out what exactly she means, and I can only do that by a more exact paraphrasing of what she says.



There is something wrong with the situation if she laughs while saying bad things about you. There's a severe retaliatory component in what she's doing, which indicates that either she is desperate for a solution, or there is some kind of problem on her end.



Don't blame yourself at all if you find it difficult to tell if you are being manipulated. Expert manipulators will be able to do their job without your ever becoming aware. You are not at fault for being a victim. It's the perpetrator's fault entirely!

Her vanishing for 1-2 days may be her way of getting the space she needs to recover from the situation. Or it really could be yet another way for her to punish you. I am wondering:

- Is there a particular event or situation, a behavioral trait or memory of something, that sets her off? As an example, my friend used to get upset with me every time I goofed off with people other than him, and every time I made any form of criticism of him (even if it was constructive and balanced with supportive comments). This might give a clue about why your girlfriend gets so angry with you all the time.

- Do you think that there is some kind of power play involved here? I mean, for example, does she seem to want to be in control of every situation, every single detail? Does she nitpick your actions all the time? Do you criticize her? How do each of you respond to such criticism?

- What makes her happiest? and I emphasize "happiest," not just "happy." What makes her totally completely forget all of the bad stuff that happened before, and want to be with you?

Figuring out the answers to these questions might be a start to understanding the underlying problems in your relationship. No guarantees, just trying to help out.

Well...


Heres some examples of the comments she made this most recent time..

"you're so arrogant"
"you're so stupid!"
"you sound like eminem"
"stop whining you baby"
"I dont like you"
"f**k off"
"I DONT CARE!"
"you're so annoying!"


This is all after I said I love you to her... and I guess truthfully I waited for a response, which was a bit rude of me yeh..

She definately gets angry every time I speak to one of her friends, in any way at all, in fact the only way I could hang out with her, if her friends are there, is pretty much ignoring them all together. Theres a drawer under my bed, she came over the other day and said "That looks pretty suspicious" A DRAWER, TO PUT THINGS IN!?

Well the event that seems to trigger it off every time, is we have a beautiful night together, its always say 3-4 hours afterwards, and simply speaking to her triggers this explosive anger and insults. In the past I used to insult her back but lately I just ask her "why?" which seems to stir it up further.

Well the times she's seemed very happy lately, is when I've invited her over, designated an entire night to her, told her how beautiful she is, told her I don't want anyone but her, and went through with her plans of how the night will turn out.. She always says she doesn't want sex too, but after it she seems VERY happy.

She seems to want to be with me like 3-4 days a week, the other days she avoids me all together, though its really confusing to me, I keep thinking I'm doing something wrong, or overbearing or something, but surely ringing someone who says they love you just to talk for a minute is ok?

Surely asking her why she would wanna say such horrible things is ok?

In reference to the vanishing for a few days, in the past I thought it was a way for her to cool off and avoid hurting me, but I shared with her recently, that the most painful thing for me is when a resolution is avoided, and when I can't get an answer to something I know she can answer. Her response to this in the weeks following, was to avoid me twice as much afterwards, give me overwhelming love when she's with me, and at the same time crying to me about her problems...

I don't quite understand, how someone can say they love me, and know that it hurts me sat here waiting to understand (hard to work it out without her side of the equation) and simply avoid me until a day or two from now she'll contact me saying she loves me and acting like I'm the one that insulted her or I'm the one that f****d things up..

In the past I criticised her quite a bit, but it definately went both ways, but considering she's slept with 3 other people, and I've slept with none, its strange that I'm still the one who is questioned and doubted, I'm completely loyal to her, and I'm starting to get the feeling that she uses that as a weapon...

Did I answer your questions? Its given me some insights but I'm still in recovery mode, my logic not quite working at full swing yet.

Scintillate,

I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you.

Based on your responses, it kinda sounds like you're in the same position I am in with my friend. Although my friendship is not sexual, my friend used to respond in the same ways that your girlfriend does, e.g. gets rather possessive of me, treats me like sh!t almost randomly, only wants to deal with me when he wants something specific from me, otherwise I'm supposed to go away, etc. etc.. and while I never said those kinds of things that your girlfriend has said to you, my friend has said similar types of things to me! It's simply ridiculous.

It really sounds like your girlfriend is trying to control you. I think in another thread you mentioned that you thought that she might have borderline personality disorder... and I think my friend has it also. For me, I've only been able to be content in my situation by trying to figure out why my friend has this ridiculous "control freak" behavior, and then coming up with reasonable ways to help him overcome that behavior. Why do you think your girlfriend wants to control you? Has she acted this way with previous boyfriends she's had? Just wondering.... since I know that my friend has acted this same way with other friends that he got really close to.