run-in with guard at daughter's school

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I had a run-in with the guard at my daughter's (elementary) school this morning that left me shaken and crying . I will transcribe what happened below with my interjected thoughts. Let me explain: I have NEVER been in my daughter's school other than to an office on the second floor (so I have seen 1 stairwell and 1 office). I have been too afraid to go to the "parent" stuff in the school as that would involve social interaction (with NT moms). So for the past 2 months I have been dropping her off at one door in the front of the building and picking her up at the end of the day at a different door. What happens inside or what it looks like inside has been a mystery to me and I decided this morning to at least look at the auditorium so I could know what to visualize in my head, because the fact that it is a blank slate has been bothering me. I could call the principal and ask for a tour, but I have not done that and won't, again due to the socializing thing.

So this is what happened. I walked her into the building and saw the guard was not at his desk. So I decided to walk down the hallway (maybe 40 steps) to the auditorium and ask my daughter where she sits so I could visualize it. Just as we get to the auditorium the guard steps out of a room.

GUARD (in hostile voice): Where are you going?
ME: (I make myself make eye contact with him): I've never seen my daughter's school.
[He looks at me like I'm crazy, i.e. what parent there has not seen the inside of their child’s school? Probably he doesn’t believe me?]
ME: I wanted her to show me the auditorium.
GUARD: (Still hostile voice) You can't just wander around the school.
[I think, who is wandering around the school? I have one specific destination (auditorium) and after that will leave. I stop eye contact and decide to ignore him for a moment and ask my daughter:]
ME: Where do you sit?
[My daughter starts to answer]
GUARD: You can't just wander around here, school is in session.
[So I can’t wander around here when school is in session? Can I be here when school is not in session? Daughter tells me where she sits, so I turn and start walking away]
ME: Don't worry, I'm going to the lobby.

At this point the guard, following close behind me, starts talking in a non-hostile but not exactly nice voice (behind me, so I'm not acknowledging him or responding or making eye contact), suddenly starts trying to give me a "tour" of the school, "Oh that room is blah blah, that room is blah blah," and then, he starts apologizing over and over again, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Then when I was in the lobby, I saw another mother come in and he starts joking and laughing with her, much nicer than he had been to me.

Okay, so what shook me up was that he kept giving me conflicting messages:

1) You can't wander around here (even though I wasn't wandering around and clearly stated that);
2) You can't be here when school is in session (does that mean I CAN be there when school is not in session?);
3) Here, let me be your tour guide (but I thought I wasn't supposed to be here?);
4) Apologies and expressing remorse.... so, since he apologized, does that mean I SHOULD have been able to see the auditorium?

Which leads me to conclude any of the following:

1) He reacted harshly, then regretted it, and was genuine when he apologized;
2) He was messing with me, by acting hostile, then nice
(sub-possibilities 2a) he was messing with me because I am white (he is black and the woman he was very nice to was black); 2b) he was messing with me just because he messes with people)
3) Some other interpretation I am not seeing.

Now, was I wrong to walk 40 feet past unattended the security desk (with my child, so I obviously wasn't a lone adult looking for someone to kidnap or molest); was I wrong not to immediately rush back to the lobby obediently when he said "I couldn't wander around?" Was HE wrong not to just let me look for 10 seconds at the auditorium while my daughter pointed out where she sat? Should I have behaved, looked, spoken, or acted differently in a way that would have made him not give me such a hard time?

The hallway was not crowded, in fact there was no one else around, we were at the school 20 minutes early.

I wouldn't worry about it, Shima. He has probably never come into contact with an aspie mum before, and was confused about what he was supposed to do. Obviously, he was being over cautious, and apologised later because it became obvious to him that you were not dangerous in any way and that he had over-reacted.

with all the things that had happened is schools lately (shootting etc...), guards probably had a lot of speeches from their bosses. Since he wasn't at his desk and found you already walking in the school, he was caught off-guard so he panicked a bit, thus is reaction. All the things he said were not literal in meanings and just pre-fab sentences (you know NTs lol....). Then he calmed and realise you were a genuine parent with her daughter so he appologized. I don't think the black/white thing as anything to do with this here..... well, that's my interpretation of that

Thank you, I hadn't considered the possibility that he panicked due to not doing his job.

Well if these guys are to be trusted to really protect schools I feel sorry for the schools.

They say aspies are rigid, but NT guards, cops etc are much more rigid and much ruder. They act almost like robots.

You know, none of my schools ever had a guard, until I got to college.

Not a one.

Also, if I saw a lone white woman wandering around in a school, I'd be suspicious. Call it racial profiling, but it's the truth.

Last edited by werbert on 20 Oct 2006, 10:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

RobertN, I doubt the first part of your post, but the second part of it ties in with Coyote's which makes a lot more sense. I think the guard just saw a stranger walking in the area he's supposed to be guarding and didn't even notice her come in. Due to the recent school shootings, he got nervous, and became hostile. I suspect the reason he was nicer to the other woman was because he already knew her. I think it would best if you made sure the guard is at the desk the next time. It will probably make him more relaxed, and maybe there won't be another misunderstanding.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm just so frustrated with myself that even the simplest things seem to cause me to fall flat on my face.

I think you should go live on a desert island, thereby avoiding all social contact for all eternity. I'll have the conspiracy make sure you get food and an internet connection.

Werbert, i hope that was humour . I'm sorry, i don't get it though

Her nick name means "On an island".

At least you fall flat on your face in the metaphorical sense. I do it literally.

I think he just panicked because he did not recognize you and you had not signed in at his desk and when he realized you were just a parent walking her child to class and nobody threatening that he needed to be concerned with, he felt bad for being so harsh and therefore he apologized and offered to show you around himself.

There have been some nuts wandering into schools recently and shooting children, so everybody is probably unusually concerned about people not signing in and walking inside schools right now.

I used to get into trouble for not signing in at the front desk all the time, but they have gotten so used to seeing me, that nobody panics anymore. I walk my daughter into school every morning and walk in again to pick her up every afternoon, so they should be getting used to me by now. I also have been volunteering one morning a week to help them do laminating for over a year now.

Definitely the following, IMO:

And you should accept his apology as sincere.

As for race being a possible factor in his attitude, yes, I think it could have been, but it may have had more to do with unfamiliarity and confusion rather than hate. If you were polite with him, then maybe any racist attitudes he had might have changed for the better!

I think like others have mentioned - the key here is that HE was not doing his job and was not where he was supposed to be. Even though I am usually very shy I might have pointed that out to him or the principal. I know words can escape you sometimes - but we shouldn't feel too ackward to allow others to treat us badly. A quick witted NT might have been able to retort that if HE had been at his post you wouldn't have been FORCED to "wander" around the school and toss the responsibility back to him.

Also - I know when I was at my son's school every day people get used to seeing you and therefore are much more friendly to you. It could be that this other mom has been at the school volunteering or whatever and not necessarily a racial thing - but you can't necessarily dismiss that either. I had toured my kids schools before school started but maybe I am pushy that way - lol.