What's wrong with me, Part 3

Post Reply New Topic

My mom and I were sitting at the Dinner table. She told me that her cousin died of cancer. I've told her that I was sorry to hear that he's died. The thing is that I didn't feel any emotional reactions to the news. Yet, I'm sitting at my Laptop, feeling sorry for myself, because my dream of riding the Routemasters all through London, was shattered last December. What's wrong with this picture? I should be mourning my mom's loss, I shouldn't still be mourning the demise of the Routemaster. What if I'm a Double Decker Bus, that's trapped in a Human Body? Do you think that's possible. I feel like a Routemaster, sometimes.

How well did you know your mom's cousin?

I haven't even met him. The last time that my mom saw him, was when she was twelve. That was 44 years ago.

Okay, then I wouldn't worry about it. If you didn't even know him, apathy towards his death is probably normal. You can feel sorry for your mom, but that's about as far as your grief needs to go.

Just this once, I agree with werbert. It doesn't even sound like a significant change in your mom's life. People I haven't met die every day, and I don't feel grief about their deaths. It wouldn't be much different for someone I last saw at age twelve 44 years ago, unless for some reason they were important in my life when I knew them.

The routemasters are important to you, and I can imagine how deeply you would feel about the dream of riding them around your beloved London. Some people would feel a deep sense of loss about the extinction of the blue whale, although they would never see one anyway and the marine ecosystem could get along just as well without them. Some people love classical music, but the only thing that makes it important is the people who care about it.

You aren't any crazier than they are.

Doesn't sound all that bad to me. Mind you if you said that to most people they'd probably think you were horrible.

It's more important to be honest with yourself, than to have the 'correct' emotions. You were respectful to her feelings. That's more than a lot of people will do.

I don't think most people would express sympathy about your bus getting broken. They probably wouldn't even go to the effort of pretending like they did. They'd probably just give you some put downs. And of course, if you brought up how you where treated in a future conversation when you get a bit of turnabout (lets say a pet died), you'd be told that it was a completely different situation. And the others around would get very upset with you.


Ooo. I'm cynical today! (It is a day ending in y after all)

>>I feel like a Routemaster, sometimes.<<

What's that feel like?

I think some of my days BEGIN with a double "Y".

Served hot, of course. I'll bet they make terrible tea, though.

I don't think this is that cynical. I think we with AS tend to overcomplicate what is really the emotional expectations and nneds of others. Really, all you should feel compelled to do is be respectful to how your mother feels. Just because an NT would probably be more emotive doesn't mean they are somehow being more respectful. And respect doesn't mean empathy - it's just a thoughtful and tolerant acknowledgement that your mother feels that way, even if you don't share the feelings. That's OK - this falls under etiquette more than empathy. Etiquette simply calls for you to show respect to make the other person feel socially comfortable in a time of personal emotional distrtess. That is the socially proper thing to do.

Don't worry about the empathy thing - even if an NT was more emotive doesn't make them empathetic. Many socially accepted displays of emotion are in fact rather insincere, although they are meant to be empathetic - so actually, there are times that such an emotional display isn't socially proper. Empathy should be genuine, based in your own pesonal experience, emoitonal maturity, and personal reflection yet you can still show respect even if you are somewhat lagging in those areas of persoanl development (as we with AS usually are). I know it's confusing, but just remember that etiquette and empathy are two different things, and they each have their purpose.

And really, I suspect your hyperfocusing on what you feel is your personal loss, even if seemingly impersoanl by comparision, is a why of relating. You have lost something too, something very significant, and perhaps subconsciously you are struggling to see how that can relate to your mother's loss of a relative you didn't really know. You seem to be doing some reflecting and probing, even if you feel you're being self-centered, and that's good thing. These kinds of reflection will eventually need to a greater and genuine capacity for empathy, and I'd personally say that's a lot better than the shallow, insincere emotional displays some NTs pass of as empathy instead.

See, when my great aunt and uncle died, I knew I should have felt something, but for some reason, I couldn't. I knew them really well, but yet....

Does this make me a bad person?