Lost it again, finding it hard to continue..

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Last night my (now ex) partner came over... Before I could even say anything she started harrassing me in terms of telling me how horrible I've been and how its my fault that she doesn't feel happy..

I lost control, I screamed at her, I pushed her over, I told her "Get the f**k away from me I'm dangerous"

It took everything I had to get away from her before I actually hurt her, but I do know I scared the s**t out of her..

It seems every close relationship I have ends this way... I'm not a violent person 99% of the time, it seems when it comes I have zero control!? I've been told by my doctor to simple "breath" and "count" and various other things that DO NOTHING in that moment.

I've lost her for good, which is obviously what I deserve, granted for a day and a night before she came I was lieing on the floor unable to move, granted she laughed at me the day before as I had a breakdown, called me all sorts of things and then avoided me, she's known me a long time so she knows exactly what that does.

Anyway NONE of that excuses what I did, its revolting to use violence no matter whether I know if it didn't physically damage her or not, she thinks I planned the violence, but I had NO clue it was coming...

I don't know what to do... I'm thinking the only way to stop hurting others is for me to stay alone.... for good, but I'd truly thought I'd found the cause of my anger this time, I'd promised her and myself that I wouldn't lose it, but in that stress overload, I had no chance of controlling or stopping...

I dont understand how I could get so overwhelmed with rage, my logic broke down completely, all that I could comprehend was "SCARE HER OFF, SCARE HER OFF" repeating in my head, which I managed to do before i actually hurt her, but I still pushed her, I still screamed horrible things at her...

Afterwards I thought it had been like 10 minutes, but it had been 4 hours!! ! I feel so stupid today, like my mind has to recover....

Guess I just needed somewhere to type this, I despise myself and am trying to conceive of any reason why I deserve to live. I've hurt, scared, or misunderstood every person thats ever been close to me, does this mean I should move into some cabin away from people? I should lock myself up before I snap again? ARGH!!

My father had temper problems in the past, which has led to some friction between him and my mom. Fortunately, he saw a counselor about his problem and has not had many outbursts since then, although I'm sure he struggles with it every day.

I inherited some of that temper. I have, for the most part, kept it under control, except for a few incidents when nobody has been looking.

When I get mad, I try to think of what other people would see if I went on a tirade. Other people cannot see the blinding anger that you feel, and so they don't know why you're going crazy. They only know that you are flying off the handle, and that makes them scared of you, and lowers their opinion of you. It also makes for an awkward moment. (As if life wasn't already awkward enough for aspies)

Plus, having to apologize sucks.

Yeh I getcha, the part that scares me is that I sometimes don't know when its coming, I've quit alcohol for good cause it seems to hit me unawares when I'm drunk..

I imagine what she must have saw, it must have been terrifying, I seriously despise myself for saying such horrible things and making her think she was in real danger, though part of me knew I was just scaring her...

Also I'm gonna be totally alone at least until I've seen my psych quite a few more times, nothing is worth that sort of anger, nothing is worth hurting the people I care for like that..

Yeah, all it takes is an slow computer, or someone getting in your way on the road, or some stupid politicians to just set it off.

That's why I have attempted to adopt a more positive mindset. Instead of having to try and control my temper when I'm angry, I try and control my mood all of the time, so that I don't get angry in the first place. I've found that being able to brush off silly little annoyances is a huge part of controlling anger.

Funny you say that, because I realised something a while ago but I guess I wasn't ready to accept it..

I NEVER get angry when I'm alone, nothing annoys me, I have an unbelievable amount of patience, and I tend to be quite a happy, gentle person...

I'm simply gonna approach it quite differently, importantly, from now on I'm alone say 4-5 days a week, and I'll only socialise once a week, because honestly, its only around people that the anger builds inside...

Maybe one day I'll be able to talk to people without this happening, but I've got HEAPS to do anyway that has been left behind while I obsessed over a certain girl, obviously I must keep my focus on what I've gotta do, its not like most the time I really want to be around anyone anyway.

To tell you the truth, I feel horrible bout what I've done, but it feels REALLY good to know that I'm here now, that I know exactly what to do, to never hurt anyone again.

Thanks for the advice, helped me realise some things for myself..

Holy s**t... It feels like the clouds have parted.

Not me. You're talking to someone who has whacked his computer with a baseball bat, thrown a chair down a flight of stairs, and done a few other things I'm not proud of. You're a better man than I.

Anyway, you're welcome. I'm glad I could help.

Yeah I ounce inserted my head so far up w******* a** that I could not breath. But
I did win a ribbon at a the Texas state fair for doing it.

I remember how long you practiced just to win that ribbon.

And once again, TheMachine1 reports from the Too Much Information Department.

You shouldn’t tolerate your ex coming over and harassing you in your own home. Clearly you and she have some issues with boundaries. Also, it is not your fault that she doesn’t feel happy. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness.

When you feel too angry to act rationally, you should leave. There’s nothing wrong with being angry, and it’s good that you want to avoid hurting others. This is why your home needs to be your sanctuary. Defend your space jealously.

No, you’ve got it backwards. You’re too good for her. If you find that hard to believe, just take my word for it for now. It will get better.

Scintillate is a better person than she is and he deserves better.

If there is anything that anyone goes through that is not typically human, this isn't it. The girl child was using sex, character attacks, everything she had to drive Scintillate to actual violence against her. She was trying to commit suicide using our man here. I have seen this numerous times. I've watched blood relatives do this, I've had females attempt this with me, and I've watched neighbors do it. She has the same kind of rage that my mother has and that she has caused in Scintillate. What Scintillate has is enough personal power to prevent himself from actually committing an act of violence, but he also needs to use that power to get himself out of those situations and to prevent himself from being angered when possible. This kind of encounter is educational but there is little to no gain from repeating the class.

I have been stuck in relationships like this many times without committing acts of violence, but also without having the sense to end things. Scintillate, you did exactly the right thing. You shocked her enough to get her to remove herself from the situation. If you hadn't done that she would have kept sucking you back in. Someone your age is pretty vulnerable to sexual enticements. Everything that you are going through to get her away from you is worth it. Don't feel guilty about working to minimize the costs. If she can't or won't do anything about her behavior and she can't or won't stop tearing you up, she is worth nothing from you, not even a slap across the face. Whatever she's given you by loving on you, she's already taken back with interest.

You need to learn to avoid people who might treat you in this way, no matter how obsessed you might be with them. I know it is hard when you are obsessed and think you're in love, but you need to learn to step back and see them for the evil they are. Once you learn to do that maybe you will be at less risk of losing it. I think it is understandable that you lost it. You have to be careful though as you could have (and still might get, if she is vindictive) gotten in legal trouble, so please be very careful Scintillate. No one and especially not this nasty girl is worth going to jail for.

I know that kind of b*****s. I've nearly gone to jail myself for getting even on them for treating me like s**t for no reason. But it's not worth it. She provoked you, despite the fact that you'd told her how you would react on provocations. Just hope that b***h one day will meet some guy that literally beats the crap out of her. That's the kind of guy she deserves. You're too good for her.

Thankyou everybody

I feel like I'm in the place between right now, it hurts that she's gone, that I can't have there when i need it, but I've realised it couldn't have ended any other way..

I still have her in my thoughts at one point every hour, but I'm beginning to feel my real drives coming back... I can't wish harm upon her, I truly want her to find a doctor and help herself, but I have a strong feeling she will continue to do what she does... The sad part is she probably will end up with an abusive guy, she was abused as a child, and now its going to lead her down a path to probable suicide.

I think the part that kept me coming back, was this ridiculous notion that I could "save her"... Ultimately realising you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themself. I've shared so much with her, tried to give her hope and some belief in herself, because I don't know what I'd do if she ended it... But I've given everything I can, I'm thinking maybe I should call her parents and let them know... just to keep an eye on her for the next few months or something.

Its true, she definately pushed and pushed until I snapped every time.. I told her to run from me because I knew I was about to lose it, and at that moment she came charging towards me...

Part of me still wonders why couldn't I keep control, everyone around me continues to tell me that I should just be able to take a breath, or count to ten, and its ridiculous, in that moment, there was no such thing as thought, or control, it was just rage...

I feel a bit flat as the obsession dies down, but I've realised something crazy, she was dominating my life (my fault of course) in way that my true passions were dieing, I wasn't mixing music anymore, I wasn't researching anymore, I was just sitting here, waiting for her to forgive me day after day...

It feels so good to know exactly what I've got to do, to know I can make it.. I definately hold no grudge, and I think that makes me stronger, for I do not wish pain upon anyone, I simply will not tolerate games and manipulation ever again..

This has been going on for way too long, I've got nothing more to learn from losing control thats for sure, except that I've learnt exactly how and why I do, knowing the cause is VERY important because I can warn people in future that actually care about me, and themselves.

Once again thanks for all the comments, helped me more than I can say.