Overwhelmed

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Feeling very tired and overwhelmed lately, A whopping two days in order to get a doctors appointment and possibly see someone for the first time in 10 years about my issues.

It feels weird, I don't just think I have aspergers syndrome, I think I have dyspraxia as well. It feels like I am so worked up over social difficulties, that my career, my education and my overall security in life diminishes.

I then have a ton of social anxiety as well, feels like someone is pumping something toxic through my stomach whenever I have to talk in front of a group of people, or if i'm in any social situation thats intimidating.

I can talk practically just fine if the situation allows, but the isolation feels.. terrible.

People joke all the time, no one cares to get to know an acquaintance on a deep intellectual level--and if thats not the case, why be friends? I joke and all but jeez.. its like thats it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how and what a good quality of life is.. its not like life is bad. Nothing can stop me from living, I have a right and a reason to be here. But, its not fulfilling the way its supposed to be.

Right now... if I had to list the practical reasons for living, I have a girlfriend who does love me and is supportive. I have family that would be saddened if anything happens to me--and more or less I want to live. I like my obsessive interests, I like the things I do in my downtime, I like talking to the very few people in this world that I actually get along with.

I am struggling in a job that forces me to be social to a great extent and the reason I deal with it is because I know that I need money in order to further my education and get credentials, I need credentials in order to further my career potential, I need a better career to cater to my life style.. I need my life style because i'm not done with life yet and I need something to enjoy.

I'm just really depressed and.. i'm not sure how things will work out if this strain continues.

First of all, I hope that your appointment goes well and that you obtain all of the understanding that you need to obtain.

Would a virtual hug help to alleviate some of the depression? *extends virtual arms*

Congratulations on compiling a list of reasons to live. This is a very positive sign, indeed. It means that you are able to see the silver lining in the clouds that swarm overhead. The good thing about clouds, though, is that they wisp away fairly quickly. While you'll always be whoever it is that you are, whether you have Asperger's, Dyspraxia, or whatever medical labels you'll acquire, the depression and feelings of isolation can get better.
Is it possible that you can talk to your boss about said difficulties? He may be willing to give you assistance in the fields that you struggle with. It may also be possible to find a mentor at your work or somebody who can aide you with your social deficits. That particular job, however, may not be your only option for earning an income. Is there any way that you can find a job more suited to your interests and abilities? Happiness and well-being is a wealth much greater than money, after all.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck and happiness in the future of your career and life.

Thanks for the reply. *hugs*

Yeah, i've thought of talking to my boss as a last resort but I have a paranoia that doing so will backfire on me.

Particularly because of how I came off during my interview/resume versus how I actually am at my workplace. I didn't lie in either case, but i'm pretty sure i'm not what they were expecting.

Not that he could fire me without a valid reason (I do reasonably well at my job and I arrive on time every day.) but he could find one when I finally snap and make a large enough mistake. That said.. I may talk to my boss anyway soon.

This job started as a temporary job and now i've been here almost a year. Prior to that I was unemployed for a year and a half, i'd like to save up some money and go back to college, maybe at least qualify for a job that requires less of me socially.

Its just between then and now, the "now" is making me miserable.