Who here LIKES surprises?

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I know I'm new here and don't really know anyone but at this point I'm not sure anyone else I know could understand my problem. I am having the worst day I've had in a long time. Thanksgiving was stressful enough. I live with my boyfriend. His birth family (who he met for the first time last year) came to visit for a week. That was immensely stressful because they are very loud and make themselves right at home and totally invade my safe space. His birth mother walks all over me because I am quiet and she is very outgoing. Last year too they ignored me the whole time even though I tried to insert myself in the conversation and be polite and this year was no different. Whenever I said anything they usually ignored me completely. So I wasn't looking forward to their visit but I thought I could get through it. I was doing OK, spending a lot of time in the back bedroom with my laptop. I have a cold anyway and I could get alone time through saying I had to lie down because I didn't feel well.

But today they throw me a surprise baby shower. I am five months pregnant and to make a long story short.. not expecting a party. The thought crossed my mind that they might be planning a party but I thought, "nah, they wouldn't try to do it as a surprise." I hate surprises. I acted totally "wrong" - not hugging people (I hate being touched) not letting people take my picture (I get a panic attack) etc. The more people kept saying "why do you look so miserable?" or "why don't you look more happy?" (I was trying to look happy) the worse it would get and the more I withdrew.

Worst of all, while being the center of attention of a large group of loud people, I was being ignored at the same time. I tried to say thank you about three or four times and people just talked over me. My boyfriend was the one apologizing for me for being "rude" and not saying thank you, when I did. Basically everyone started making comments to me because I was awkward and uncomfortable and "just not happy."

Well, they know I have social anxiety (to say the least) so what do you expect when you spring a huge surprise on me like this with a bunch of people I barely know? My boyfriend is angry with me because I embarrassed him in front of his family. I am seriously on the point of just losing it.

Sorry for venting but like I said, I don't know anyone else who might understand how I feel. I feel horrible and I don't know what to do. Do I apologize to the family? I tried to explain that I'm not good in these types of social situations but they ignored it pretty much. I don't want them to dislike me but honestly I'm a little mad too for them putting me in that position. I just don't know.

Last edited by junglegreen on 24 Nov 2006, 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That sucks, I've been in similar situations before.

The best thing to do is probably apologise, even though you shouldn't really have to. Your boyfriend doesn't seem that supportive by making excuses like that, perhaps you could talk a bit with him?

I don't know about apologizing. I, myself, wouldn't. As I imagined myself in your place, as I read (I'm a guy so I got extra effort for imagining myself pregnant, as well), I saw myself doing what I normally do - Just not talk to them about it like it never happened. I figure their memory wipes out after a few days or something (I'm joking).

You apologized once, how many times must they hear it?

How about you send out thank you notes, but write just a tiny bit that it 'caught you off guard' that day and lie and say something like: 'you were feeling a bit off' and 'didnt want to kick people out because they went through the trouble'

I think the thankyou notes are a good idea, just to show you appreciated the thought.

Sounds like a nightmare...you have my sympathy.It sounds like your boyfriend needs to be "educated" if your relationship is going to be a happy one.His behavior is unacceptable to me.He should not be apologizing for your rudeness,with your permission,he should be explaining your situation to his family.
Perhaps they would be more understanding if they knew what AS is and how it effects you.I dont think you owe an apology for your AS.

It depends on how much you want the relationship to work.

If it was me, I probably wouldn't bother, but if you really wanted it to work you'll need to keep them happy while educating them about it.

I think you shouldn't apologize, but these are the reasons I don't bother with relationships in the first place.

Depends on what kind of surprise.... If I got beaten up or raped or told I had a small number of days to live, that would be a surprise I wouln't like.
If I got a cute present from a loved one, however, that would be a very nice surprise.

These aren't loved ones, they are practically strangers. She should've had veto power over their staying at her home in the first place (Was this discussed, junglegreen?) so that would have reduced the likelihood of this happening. And why should anyone have to make the other person feel "okay" for doing something that the first person didn't request and, if asked, would have declined to receive? "Hey, I know, I'll go up and give this random person on the street a great big hug! Everyone loves great big hugs!" WRONG! In the same way, it is WRONG to force people to accept any other thing without expressly asking. This is not negotiable. Anyone who does behave in this manner is RUDE and INSENSITIVE. Period.



Amen.

Last edited by briangwin33 on 24 Nov 2006, 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

junglegreen,

In writing, tell these people that you appreciate their attempt to do something nice for you but that, if that is what they intended, it didn't succeed. Explain all of the reasons why. Explain the kinds of things that you do like for people to do to show their friendliness/love/etc. Once you have done this, drop the guilt and feel free to react without pretense to any further interactions that ignore your specific requests.

Nods... excellent point.
They invaded your personal space, imposed themselves on you, and expected you to be grateful (at least, that's the impression I'm getting from your post) and then behaved poorly when you 'failed' to show the proper gratitude. Pathetic.
Brian's got the right idea... lay it out, politely, in text, and then leave it. You're not beholden to them, you don't owe them anything.

Thank you for the responses. They helped because now I am calmer and have a plan of action:

1) Write thank you notes to everyone and mention briefly how I appreciated their efforts, but repeat once again that I'm not good with surprises. And then I'll end on a positive note and mention a few of the presents I liked especially.

2) Have a talk with my boyfriend about why I acted the way I did and what he could have done to help me out in this situation. (For one thing, he could have warned me I was going to a surprise party - maybe then I could have prepared. I doubt I looked too surprised anyway, so it wouldn't have made a difference.) I know he meant well and thought I would be happy but honestly at this point he knows what I am like in social situations.



And #3 I guess the next time the family comes (who, like Brian pointed out, are not "loved ones" but merely people I have met and don't even know particularly well) I will try to either not be here or... well I don't know but I'll have to prepare for that. This time no one asked me if I wanted them here and when I found out they were coming I asked my boyfriend to ask me next time if it was OK with me. I would not have said no to them, because I don't want to be rude, but I feel their presence was forced upon me.

And like I said, this is where I live, and thus it is my safe area. I get nervous when people come in and make themselves right at home, especially when they are strangers. Friends and loved ones are different. I am not selfish but when a nearly total stranger starts moving my things around I get nervous. (They went rooting through my cabinets and helping themselves to food and going into closed rooms and going through my computer files and all... I would never do that in someone's home without asking permission, and probably not even then.) I assume this is just the way they act and don't mean any harm but it's not something I'm comfortable with. I can't help that. I don't think this is too much to ask because even NT's have their boundaries, no?

Me no like surprises unless I can accept them. Surprising me with a bullhorn I wouldn't like.

Something else that occurred to me after I'd posted is that, dependent upon their personalities, they may wind up taking offense anyhow, no matter how politely and nonconfrontationally you phrase it.
Just something to keep in mind so as not to be caught off guard if it does turn that way.

well it also depends on wether they're accepting of those with differences.

what I mean is, if they are prejudiced or if they discriminate towards African Americans or any other people, that right there is a warning sign, that these people if they don't like others will probably dislike and loathe you for a long long extremly long time.