Keep feeling depressed about having AS again

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Joe90
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20 Dec 2012, 5:07 pm

I permanently hate having AS, but a month or so can go by where I am able to push it to the back of my mind and keep up more happier emotions, but this week it's suddenly hit me again for no apparent reason, and I'm feeling all down about the way I am. After Christmas I am seeing a counsellor to see if we could sort something out about confidence building, but I don't think anything will help. I am extremely unconfident, and it's making me do stupid things. Well, it's beginning to make me look a bit simple, like literally ret*d.

I am just so afraid of speaking up. I think I worry about other people too much and what they're feeling. Sometimes I feel that my AS is mostly causing me to lack in confidence. If I was a little more confident and could speak up better and be a little more assertive, I'd probably get on in life much better. I don't necessarily mean ''assertive'' as in ''stand up for myself''. I just mean it as in ''more confident''. I have tried to be confident and chatty before, but it did not work. I got people tutting at me, and I am sensitive to body language and other people's emotions so I knew they were fed up with me. So I think I am better off not faking the person I am.

I am a cleaner at an old people's home, and all the workers are nice, the manager's a nice person to work for, and the residents are all nice (well, a lot of them are ill or have neurological conditions that make them unable to communicate properly like Alzheimer's, so if they are a bit ''scary'' or whatever, I don't take it personally at all). But I see the other workers talking to them with confidence, where as I am very unconfident. I really don't know why because I know that the old people won't judge me, some wouldn't even notice if I done something really weird. Some of them are like animals, wouldn't judge you at all, even a toddler could notice more body language. So it must just be me, not so much the reason being ''I am unconfident because I'm afraid of being judged''.

I think I must be the most unconfident person in the world. I've tried going out a few times with my brother and his friends but I didn't really make friends the way the average person would. My 19-year-old cousin (who was on my mum's side) met my 23-year-old cousin (who was on my dad's side) for the first time, and their friends met each other too, and now my 19-year-old cousin is spending the day tomorrow with one of my 23-year-old cousin's mates who he had only just met, also my 19-year-old cousin isn't an extrovert, nor does he drink alcohol. So I must be REALLY bad at making friends, no matter how hard I try to smile, make eye contact and try to engage in small talk, which is the best one can do. It has made me feel miserable.

Does anyone else feel the same? What should I do? :cry:


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AspieWolf
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20 Dec 2012, 5:58 pm

Having been at this AS business for a few years now (67 to be exact), I can say that over time I have been able to learn via trial and error and observation of others, how to survive in social situations. This is a process that I have encountered in another AS friend of mine. Time and experience really seems to help. The same goes for the confidence issue. I had major problems there as well when I was younger, but again, time seems to help. I am still noted for my "unique" points of view and situational analysis, but my comment to others is that it is they who are too narrow minded and unable to see things that are obvious. In this respect I think that those of us with AS have the advantage. Our thinking and analysing processes seem to be much more developed than those of NT's. Well, that's been my experience anyway. Perhaps you might look at the advantages of your AS rather than dwelling on the disadvantages. The social issues will always be there, but with training and experience they can be improved.

And as for the folks in the home where you work, I would just talk to them as you would anyone else and don't worry about them, or anyone else judging you. Remember, no one else's opinion of you matters - ever! It is only your own opinion of yourself that matters - always!


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justkillingtime
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20 Dec 2012, 6:26 pm

I felt the same as you and had similar experiences until I noticed a friend (who I am pretty sure was on the spectrum) asked people questions. People love to answer questions about themselves. My friend was sincerely interested as she was very curious about human behavior. Now, I just turn the focus onto the people I am talking to. If the focus is on me, I'm doomed in the conversation. My friend also kept track of other people's family names, etc. so she would ask people things like "how is ann liking college?" It meant a lot to the people she talked to. They would even say "thank you for asking."


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Vomelche
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20 Dec 2012, 6:26 pm

I find growing some thick skin helps. NTs are pretty much born with it thick. Worrying too much about your social performance will get you anxious and depressed, which thins your skin even further. Try not worrying about anyone getting hurt out of your social interaction and just do it, its hard to make everyone happy, give it your best. As above said, practice makes perfect, not everyone is an expert communicator, people just go with it and develop a knack for it over time.



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20 Dec 2012, 7:03 pm

It can be very hard if you feel you have not a lot of self-esteem. It is even harder for us to provide help in that situation :) It is not like answering a question of fact that can suddenly help. However, we can try:

Seeing from the number of your posts, you probably may have tried that already, but it helped me to read other people's stories about their AS. And for the purposes of building self-esteem and seeing AS as something positive (or at least accepting it and not "pushing it to the back of your mind") you could focus on stories that have a generally positive message.

there is this book here i read recently (i have the full version if you want): http://books.google.de/books?id=9OiWzi3 ... &q&f=false - there are some quite encouraging stories in there (not shutting out or ignoring the sometimes painful reality of AS)

there are also some nice videos on youtube, e.g. this one that i just watched: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tVEEfOGQhs

again, apologies if these things seem patronizing and you already read and know a lot about it. i know it may not be directly helpful for your self-esteem to hear about how other people managed, sometimes you may feel even worse by realising that other people do come to terms with AS and you for some reason cannot.

may i ask how you "see" AS? do you see it as a disability, disorder, illness or condition or difference? it is easy to feel down and sorry for oneself if ones sees AS as an impairment and mainly negative. not telling you how you should see AS, but it may be helpful to ask yourself what you understand AS is and how it may impact your self-esteem and belief about your abilities.

comparing yourself to people who are not on the spectrum such as your cousins can make you feel even more like you are crap at social skills. this may only be of little help but if you compare yourself to people who may have even more difficulties (like those with alzheimers) you may feel like you do actually have some social skills. i realise that comparing oneself to people with alzheimer in order to feel good about oneself may be a rather grim experience.

i don't know enough about you to say this for certain, but from what you said, it sounds like you are trying to repress the knowledge of AS and act like nothing was wrong and you inevitable get reminded about AS by social situations that do not go well or by the fact that you cant seem to do things that other people (carers or your cousins) can do. you say you were trying to be a person you are not and this seems to fit in with my view of you. is this a statement you can relate to?

maybe try to see the positive sides of AS and eventually try to embrace AS as a difference. this may help your self-esteem. i know it is always easy for people to say these things if they are not in a bad position themselves. but i had very poor self-esteem once and i didnt find there was that much i could do about it. mainly it was time and things just changed over years (yes, it takes years) really without me doing too much.

edit:

Quote:
I felt the same as you and had similar experiences until I noticed a friend (who I am pretty sure was on the spectrum) asked people questions. People love to answer questions about themselves. My friend was sincerely interested as she was very curious about human behavior. Now, I just turn the focus onto the people I am talking to. If the focus is on me, I'm doomed in the conversation. My friend also kept track of other people's family names, etc. so she would ask people things like "how is ann liking college?" It meant a lot to the people she talked to. They would even say "thank you for asking."


this is actually something that i really like and i have been trying out myself recently. i talk a lot about things that interest me and that i like. as this happens to me mostly my career and things i do as a job this is not only boring but also comes across as arrogant. focusing on the other person avoids that and - as was said - people love talking about themselves (as most people on the spectrum will know too well) and that also means they will do most of the talking and there is less chance for slip ups.