Why do I always do the exact opposite...

Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,726
Location: On a planet with obviously no intelligent life (except here, of course)

17 May 2017, 10:04 pm

Of what people tell me to do? When they tell me not to cry, I cry even harder. If they tell me to calm down, I get even more hysterical. When they tell me they hope I feel better soon, I feel even worse. Sometimes to the point where I fly into a massive rage.

Today my social worker tried to say things to make me feel less like garbage and I just kept denying it and getting angrier and angrier. And then when she said she hoped my day would get better, I screamed "NO IT WON'T!! IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!" and then I went into my apartment, punched the upstairs door and made a hole in it. It was a new door that just replaced the old one short while ago. Since I damaged the door anyway I started punching it and making more holes in the door, and then I grabbed some scissors and stabbed it repeatedly. Now my brand new door had a huge hole and stab wounds all over it. And then I went into the bathroom and chopped all my hair off because I didn't get to go down to the hairdresser and I spent the 25$ my mom gave me for a haircut, anyway. Now I look like I have mange. Whatever, I'll just wear one of my headkerchiefs over it if I go out. I hate going to get my haircut so I'm not sorry at all. :evil: I am a little worried what my mom will say when she sees it, but that won't be until Tuesday at least. And I'll just cover the door up with something.

Also when I was in the drug store today to get a refill, I saw a lovely issue of Time Magazine where it said a white label with the words WARNING: We are not ready for the next pandemic, over a blood-red picture of some kind of bacteria or virus. Great. Guess I'll just get a coffin now so I can just jump in and close the lid.



C2V
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2015
Posts: 1,583

21 May 2017, 12:24 am

I don't know about the oppositional response thing. Maybe you could introduce a bit of mindfulness, give yourself a pause before you respond, to consider? After all, why couldn't your day improve? It's not impossible.
Things like that can often just be habit. And habits can be broken.
Otherwise, this reads like you have an anger issue going on for some reason. What is the reason for it? Are you aware of the real reasons behind this rage? Are they being addressed? If you're doing things like screaming at people for generally pointless route smalltalk (people just drop things like "have a good day" etc as a matter of politeness, it often doesn't mean anything) or attacking the furniture, I would suggest you need to understand better where this behaviour is coming from. Explosive behaviour like that can often mean the real causes aren't being dealt with, they tell us.
I would suggest a meditational effort but that may not be possible yet if you're this pissed off.



fakkau89
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 19 Jan 2017
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
Location: Not there, here.

21 May 2017, 4:40 am

It's called Akrasia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akrasia in Greek, I think their is also
a german word for it that is untranslatable that has the definition of: The tendancy to not do something that would make you succeed and opting for other, less important tasks.

I believe it's a form of Procrastination possibly?

Anyways about the anger, How old are you? I used to do plenty of that s**t in my teens and still punch the fridge HARD every once in a while. But yeah.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,594
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

21 May 2017, 6:20 am

I kind of understand. The words they say just feel like words that have no relation to how I'm actually feeling. I don't get any comfort from being told that things will get better. It doesn't feel like things will get better. I can't imagine it and it feels stupid to say it for the sake of saying it. (I do understand why people say positive things, but I can't process them the way that others would. )

I respond better to people reaffirming how I feel. I was having a conversation with an older friend and I said to her that I felt trapped. I was braced for some upbeat reply and she said, "Yes, i suppose it is like being trapped in a way." And that calmed me right down. I felt like she actually understood.

I understand the taking your rage out on inanimate objects too. I've always done that. It's like a white blinding rage. I've broken a lot of things over the years. I think the current medication I'm on is helping to combat that. I haven't had a burning desire to break anything since I've been on it. On the plus side I've become good at DIY having to patch up things that I've broken. For some reason I can control myself when other people are around. No one has ever seen me (as an adult) throwing mugs at a tiled wall.


_________________
I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it.


lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,726
Location: On a planet with obviously no intelligent life (except here, of course)

Yesterday, 3:56 pm

I haven't had such a terrible outburst like that in a while. Although about a month before when I was having a particularly stressful day grocery shopping I screamed at a couple of people to shut up because they kept asking me stupid questions or wouldn't stop giggling and laughing at whatever I said.

The world is just too terrifying a place. Too much insane things I have no control over.When I get sick of feeling small and defenseless, it's like I grow into a large, snarling beast. :(