I like isolating

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I like talking. However people think I talk about weird things. I change topics too fast. I didn't think I did. I honestly think it's related stuff. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. I don't like that I'm not great at conversations. It makes it really difficult to keep friends. People are nice to me though.

I like being alone too. I sometimes prefer it. I listen to music. I don't feel so awkward doing that. I like to wake up early and make coffee while doing that. Sometimes I stay up all night to be alone. It's a weird feeling. Once I stayed up for 3 nights and I thought I was surrounded by people trying to jab me with a needle. That was scary. Now I just wake up early.

Sometimes I like being alone because I don't have to worry. I like to spin in circles to centre myself. It feels really good. My siblings don't like when I do that.

I'm not supposed to isolate though and my family wants me to make friends but it's extremely difficult honestly. People are nice to me but I can tell that I sometimes make some of them uncomfortable. I don't make the right amount of eye contact, I constantly move my hands, I sometimes have to shake my shoulders, and I really really struggle to feel comfortable and I think it's noticeable. Honestly though, I'm still trying. I just can't drink and people want me to. It's my medication. I feel really sick when I drink on it. I made a mistake on New Years.

I do want to socialize. I just struggle to not repeat stories. I don't know why I do that. I want it to stop though..

You aren't alone in sometimes preferring isolation. I often worry about those things in the minimal conversation I engage in with others, if I'm repeating myself or moving around too much. It sadly comes down to coming across like minded people, who don't feel the need to criticize someone for talking a "weird" way. True diamonds in the rough.

If people want you to drink and you don't, though, that's not something to feel shame over. You always have a right to refuse alcohol, especially if you're on medication. It could dilute the prescription's effects, or increase the symptoms.