I dream of being numb

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Try as I might, I can't become numb. Maybe it's my obsessive compulsive nature. Even if I take medication for anxiety, it's like my mind actively counteracts whatever it's supposed to do by ramping up my intrusive thoughts and concerns. I took some trazodone yesterday and it didn't help. Made me sleepy though. Got a good 10-12 hours from that...but it's not something I can take on a regular basis since working would be impossible then. As soon as I woke up, I was back to triggering more depression and anxiety for myself.

I don't want to talk about my problems anymore. I don't want to complain anymore. I like to say to myself and others that discussing the misery surrounding one's life is helpful. I'm lying. It doesn't help. Why bother being specific? No one cares. We're all stuck in our own little world, sending out probes full of acidic thoughts or well wishes to try and get the attention of all the other little planets rotating inside this tiny spec of dust we all live on, in a chaotic and merciless universe.

I used to have someone I could really share my thoughts with. I threw it all away. I keep throwing things away. I'll never stop doing it. I'd like to think I could stop myself, but even if I get the opportunity, I'll fail. I'd just really like to be numb. Not to think anymore. I've become a lesser person throughout the years. I struggle to talk, even online. It used to be, I joined a forum and just posted like a wild child, setting up cliques and sowing my ideology everywhere I could.

Now look at me. I joined this forum years ago. I barely have any posts. No one recognizes me. I joined a different forum and I can't keep that up either. I'm shrinking, but it's not fast enough. I'm somewhat numb, but unless it's complete, it doesn't matter. Emotions still come through. I'm sick of them.

I know my fate. I know what will happen to me. I just want to not care anymore. I want to look at my collapsed, pathetic world and just shrug without any emotional attachment. I want to look back at the past and not connect with the people I've left behind. I want to become a blank slate. A non-entity. Whatever half-assed, shattered ambitions I've had erased.

I just want to disappear.

I always dream about dying or being dead. Never waking up. I just hope it's painless becaue I am ready. Have been ready for many years. Being numb would be acceptable too.

I recognise you & remember that you posted a poem in a thread I started. Do you post in the other WP forums? (I’m struggling with communication, please excuse my use of ‘I’, its simpler to refer to my experiences and I hope you can translate the meaning)
I can understand the desire to be numb, there is a lot I dislike about myself, I can’t undo my mistakes, but after reflecting and learning, I consciously decide to be compassionate towards myself about them because very few people on this rock will ever care, everyone is consumed by their relative struggles and challenges. Part of that is being brutally honest with myself. I’ve encountered some decent people here on WP, but even they have struggles that go unmentioned. A blank slate sounds good, but I don’t think it exists even for a new born baby.

No, I tried going back to a poetry forum but it's dead in the water. I no longer have the enthusiasm to build a repertoire, and I'm not sure if it'd be easier at this point to write or draw blood from a stone. I mean, look at that. I used a common cliche to describe how I can't write anymore. It's a sad state of affairs. I can't even start a poem now. As soon as I do, I stop. It's the same tired old garbage, just without the passion or sense of urgency.

Well, one good thing happened today. I finally snapped and destroyed all of my current obsessive compulsive notes that I've left lying around on my PC, some of them a year old. I deleted a poem I wasn't fond of as well. All gone. My head hurts like hell. There's a part of me that likes that.

Still lonely.

Still empty.

Wished I had lived.

Not sure how that would have gone.

I don't think I'm designed to experience life.

I have nothing to talk about to anyone.

Everything lacks substance.

Everything is grey.

This isn't so much a cry for help as it is a whimper.

I'm still not numb enough. I still can't keep it all contained.

I look around me and I see nothing hopeful.

Still slipping down, down, down.

I don't know how to reply, but your words seem so poignant that I feel compelled to try.
I know that when I look around me I don't see much reason for hope or optimism, but being pragmatic, I have the essential basic human needs guaranteed; and I can compare that with past experiences and know that I have comforts that the majority of the world does not, that gifts solace to me.
I know that outlook may not be suitable for everyone, for me it drives my desire to thrive and distance myself from less fortunate times.
Do you have the basics to survive? Until I took the right medication I could not perceive that I possessed this basic platform to build on. Are you in receipt of medical assistance? Are you compassionate towards yourself? Can you forgive your mistakes? Are you a perfectionist?

If anybody is into psychology at all, one should read Maslowe's "Hierarchy of Needs." Amity hit the nail on the head there! You must attend to your basic needs first, before you could attend to more "secondary" needs.

I know I could be suffering more now. In all reality, I don't doubt I will as time passes by. I understand there are those less fortunate, and there is solace in not being hungry or staring at a wall 24/7, but misery seeps in regardless of what the source is. It tends to supersede belief systems and perspective. We all have our own problems to deal with, right? Alone together. Anyway, no. I don't have medical assistance. I'm in a grey area where I won't get free health care but affording it is out of the question. I don't know what I am towards myself anymore. I'm too tired to hate myself like I used to, so I run through a gamut of numbed emotions. Most of them leaning towards a negative outlook.

I can't forgive my mistakes.

I am not a perfectionist, although I struggle dealing with situations that aren't perfect.

I am a mess. So is my life.

I guess these things happen. I just like to complain to get some occasional attention. I'm not going to sugar-coat anything. No need to hide behind ego. I just need some attention every once in a while. It's tough work keeping it together.

When I couldn't afford healthcare, and my life was an absolute mess, I used meditation and researched Taoism, it helped me through a dark period, from a practical, not religious perspective. It has its limits of course.

I don't know what you have done that seems unforgivable or how long you have carried this, I do know that guilt in this guise can consume you as a person, change you for the worse and imprison you in torment. A self penance of sorts. I suggest self compassion, otherwise your mistakes might define you, chain you to that point in time and stunt your potential. It seems like it might be impacting on you in detrimental ways.

Yes we all have our own problems to deal with, and problems are relative to situations and reality, comparisons rarely serve to ease current pain. I don't know how else to reply.

It's tough not to consume myself with self-penance when the present isn't good and the future just isn't there. All I can look at in this case is the past and just keep smashing myself over the head with it. I appreciate your replies, thank you. It's nice having someone to talk to.

You're welcome, this time of year can be difficult. I believe that certain things are inevitable, but that your future is not predetermined. Do consider giving yourself some slack, if you are dependent on another for forgiveness, know that its purpose is for that individual, not for you. So even if they do forgive you, you will not benefit from that action. That is why I am encouraging you to forgive yourself, because you posses that ability, even if it does not come naturally to you. Remorse leading to change is imo productive by comparison to self destructive guilt.