Am I just doomed to a life of mediocrity?

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Is it that I'm depressed because I've just always been depressed or am I depressed because I'm not happy?

I get everything halfway mastered and hit a wall. I'm so tired of this f*****g wall. I'm tired of constantly feeling useless and unwanted.

Even the only therapist in the area who is willing to see an undiagnosed adult female keeps putting me off.

Not that people don't want me, well, no, that's right, they don't want me. They just want to use me for whatever... Blame, excuses, schoolwork... They don't understand and don't care to understand or care at all.

I want to be happy. I want to be successful. Whatever that means.

I feel like my life has been spent waiting for happiness because I don't have the financial means or time to find it. Just when I think I might have found it, it gets ripped away.

Is my whole life going to be this way? One giant joke? A huge meaningless voyage to a destination that doesn't exist called happiness?

I feel like I stuck at the starting line and everyone else is three yards away from the finish because they siphoned all my gas.

If it's going to be this way then maybe I don't care to go on.

I think you need to define what happy and successful means to you.

I want to run my own life and I want friends. I have neither.

That's where your focus begins then...how to achieve what you need...

Lots of time and money, both of which I do not have and lack the means to possess.

Of course life is a giant joke. Why aren't you laughing?

It's hilarious.

Find your purpose and you'll find contentment. Maybe that won't make you happy, but that state of mind is ephemeral. It's a moment, and then it's gone. Find those moments or wallow. Lots of people like to wallow. Wallowing can be considered fun. I for one, love to wallow.

Just keep going and have yourself a laugh while you're at it. There's plenty of time to be dead later.