God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian!

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I am depressed and think of suicide constantly when I am alone. I don't know why I am complaining to you guys but I guess I need to say to somebody. I feel like it is too little too late. I have my own place and a career at the age of 30. Now I just want to drift away and die. I don't want any new relationships (platonic or otherwise). I don't want sex. I don't want romance. I don't want these things because I don't want to get hurt. I also am bitter because I couldn't have these things when I was younger. I hate society, humanity, life, and my creator. I guess what I am saying is, "Is this it?" I have lived a life of desperation and seclusion for so long that I continue to live this way even though I don't have to anymore? I used to find motivation to go on living by being angry and struggling against things I didn't like about my life. Now I have no direction for the future. Why go through the everyday stress of life? It doesn't seem worth it. The only reason I don't kill myself is because of my parents. I don't want to hurt them. I've lost my hope of some happy future if I just do something different because I have done a lot of things different. I've found success, and I am still miserable a lot of the time. I have the ability to get even more things if I put forth the effort, but for what? My mood does not coincide with positive things happening. No matter what I do, I am always indifferent. I feel like a hamster on a wheel going to nowhere. The hopeless dilemma I obsess about right now is that I am lonely but refuse to get close to anybody. I automatically push away people who show love to me. I don't have the power to change this pattern of behavior. I cannot force myself to do it. The fear is too strong. I worry that this will never change. I find the idea of going on indefinitely this way is unbearable. There are no more external barriers to blame for my aloneness, just internal walls too high for my force of will to surmount. I keep on doing positive things but my heart isn't in it. At this point, living is just a habit.

If I'm not mistaken he only assisted people who where terminally ill and in pain or were in great physically pain with no hope of cure or relief. So actually he would not have assisted you.

Have you seen a doctor about this depression? There are treatments that can help. You may be under the influence of a condition/disorder/chemical imbalance etc. Everyone has burdens. But what makes one person continue on and another wish to give up? Sometimes its as simple as a problem with brain chemistry.

I fully intend to die by assisted suicide at some undetermined time in the future. Depression that never goes away, in my opinion, should qualify for euthanasia in places where the practice is legal. Psychiatry and clinical psychology do not totally eliminate depression symptoms in every case. The best they can do in my case is greatly reduce the symptoms which leaves me dysthymic. Dysthymia is no fun.

By the way, the title of this tread is an allusion to a Kurt Vonnegut novel. It is not meant to be taken literally. There is nothing that is going to make my depression go away or the effects of childhood abuse or Asperger's. I can't see living five or six more decades never experiencing happiness or even a good mood except on very rare occasions. It's pointless. I have found the will to go on living for another 24 hours though, and that is good enough for me. I can't wait for spring to get here so that my depression gets a little bit better. Winter is always bad. My personality changes every year, the depression getting gradually worse until the days start getting longer in the springtime. I'm tired of dealing with all of these chronic mental health problems. The work doesn't seem worth it.

Have you tried antidepressants?

I have received treatment for most of my life, since I was an adolescent. I take medicine, use full spectrum light (for seasonal affective disorder), and have had years of therapy. It's not going away. I know what my future is, mental health wise, and it is more of the same. I also use CBT, and exercise. That's just for ONE mental disorder. I have AS on top of being depressed all the time. I also grew up in a dysfunctional family which has left me with permanent emotional scars. I also have multiple addictions that I have to monitor and make sure I don't relapse on. I am not the most mentally ill person on earth, but I have got multiple chronic incurable conditions that I have to work on in order to function. It is not going to get any better. The best I can hope for is dysthymia. I don't see what the pay off is in staying alive, other than I don't have to worry about devastating my parents or the person who finds my corpse. I don't want to hurt anybody else.

Are you constantly depressed, or do you experience periods of joy?

I don't experience joy very often. That is part of being dysthymic. Professionals call it anhedonia. I don't have the chemicals in my brain that allow me to feel joyful (at least not for very long). Apathy is what I usually feel if I am not in a negative mood. It seems like more and more of my time is spent in this apathetic state because I don't get down into the really low lows anymore. My medication won't let me. I just have this constant feeling of not being happy. I can make the feeling go away temporarily with distractions, but if I am alone and quiet, that feeling is always there.

Joy is not the only motivational factor in terms of distraction from apathy, but you've probably thought it through from every angle imaginable. No treatment for anhedonia exists according to Wikipedia.

I'm putting into action the things my last therapist told me to do when I get depressed. I started going back to the gym and using thought-stopping techniques. I am not as bad now as I was this past weekend. I just try not to think about it too much. Otherwise I get hopeless. Things will get better in the spring. I will be proud of myself if I make through this winter without things getting too bad.

Winter is the most depressing time of year. I live north of the Arctic Circle where the sun disappears for months, but as Churchill once said, "if you're going through hell, keep going," and winter will eventually come to an end. Physical training helps.

You have only two choices left in your life:

1) To die

2) To live for yourself.

A common theme in your writing is that you have never done anything for yourself. You have lived your life for others and it has doomed you into this unhappiness. Thus, I think you should finally free yourself and live as a free man for once doing whatever you wish.

since you named this thread after the kurt vonnegut novel, maybe remebering the story of the guy who died trying to save his dog helps.
asked, whether it was worth dying for his dog, the man answers, 'compared to the people who died for absolutely nothing in vietnam- yes.'

as you are functioning but not seeing a reason to go on, have you considered using your existence for something other than yourself, be it voluntary work, art or science.
I went for art, and no one I have met who enjoys living can muster up the energy to do what I do. They all want to experience life and all. Since I can't, I might as well make things which I want to exist, no matter how labour-intensive they are. My crisis is that I can't make a living on that, -but you could be smarter than me at choosing what to pursue.

Thanks for the reply. I am working on it.

I don't like people, and I don't think I should dedicate my life to helping people. I really despise the human race and life itself. I have no hope for life to be anything other than it is: a struggle for survival with no meaning. In the end, each person or group of people is interested in self-preservation and nothing else, even if that means killing, exploiting, or enslaving others, even if it means destroying the planet. I have helped hundreds, maybe even thousands of people because I work in a helping profession. I plan on continuing to help others on a non-professional basis when I can because it makes me feel better. However, I want a job where I don't have to interact with people. I just want to make money and be left alone. I am no hero, and I don't really care about other peoples problems anymore. I just want to be responsible for me.

Art, especially music, has kept me alive. I would like to make music and other forms of art as a hobby because it makes me feel passionate. I also like cooking, reading, movies, and learning new things. Perhaps I should devote my life to my hobbies.