I think I'm losing my mind & morality

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I don't know if this is the best place to post this. Just saying before I carry on.

To expand on my previous post...

I feel really awful about something I did to somebody. I didn't think I would grow up to become such an awful person.

Basically, I acted in a very creepy way towards someone, in which I sent a series of messages over November & early December, most of which had self-hatred themes & hinted at a crush.

Eventually, after a while of (understandably) not responding, he asked me what it meant. My explanation was that they were stream of consciousness thoughts (which they were). He then suggested that I go to see a professional (I was seeing a therapist at that point anyway) &, again understandably, he blocked me for posting any more PM's to me. Fair enough. I probably upset him greatly.

After that, I then went up to a moderator, & sent what I consider to be an extremely icky message to him, which I now basically consider to be a thinly-disguised plea. I don't know what the response was to that, if any.

To cut what happened in the following week after that short, I lay in my bed in selfish despair, snuck a knife into my bedroom, contacted the internet crime branch of the FBI to report myself for stalking, later that day came close to suicide in a nearby theater, complete with suicide texts, stopped when I became cowardly, ran through the reception in a shirt & pants to report my suicidal feelings, got collected, had a lot of my family talk to me about how upset they were, had the rest of my collage term cancelled, & went to be psychologically assessed. They described me as having either a low or very low mood (I can't remember which) that had depressive features, & that my chance of a suicide attempt within the next year was moderate to high (based on how this was my 3rd or 4th attempt in a short period of 2 years, the others being in May 2013 & March 2014, with another attempt that may or may not count from August 2014, & how there was a high degree of intent from me buying white shirts so that I wouldn't spoil my clothes).

Eventually, after having tried to do a similar thing with my therapist, I got my aunt to send a message to the moderator that I was sorry (I thought some kind of apology was warranted), because I was too much of a coward to find out if I could still PM him. I mean, I still don't know what exactly happened there. I'm too weak to find out.

Today, I essentially found out that the response was, pretty much word-for-word, "Oh, it's that guy again.". And my thought processes after discovering that have disturbed me. And for what it's worth, I don't think anyone reading this ought to pity me or anything.

Er, I really kinda regret that I didn't send a personal apology to the original guy in the first place. I really think he deserves one. But I'm deeply disturbed about what the real reasons might be.

For, you see, I wish I could make things better between us, & if I could restrain myself, or get myself better mentally & not be a selfish brat, & just be normal people talking or something. I really don't like the thought of forcing him into something he wants nothing to do with though.

But what I find creepy about this is the ages involved (17 (me) & nearly 22), which I find very icky, & honestly, I feel like an icky diseased person, even more for putting that down, because it feels like a sympathy plea. & please, don't pity me.

I'm a disgusting person, to be honest. I feel like I should be locked up somewhere to protect other people or something. I feel like some kind of attention seeker. That reply basically indicated that peace was made, but I was getting on peoples nerves & I needed to leave them alone, which is what I got from it - I needed to add that in case I came across as too sympathetic. Don't pity me, I don't deserve it. As in, I really don't deserve it.

I wish I could tell him that I'm sorry, & that I'm really, really concerned about my thoughts & how it could affect us as individuals, & that I think he should be concerned too.

& I... really don't know why I'm making this post. I'm just a selfish moron who can't accept that he can't always get what he wants in life. I feel like a rusty patchwork doll. I probably have selfish reasons for doing all of this that I selfishly refuse to acknowledge, & I deserve to be utterly hated for such mean nastiness. And I'm a traitor to boot. For crying out loud, don't pity me or give me sympathy, because I don't deserve it for being such an awful guy. And I mean it, because I am selfish.

OK, that's over. Any questions?

Your actions and the self-loathing you feel as a result of those actions both seem to be the results of AS. We tend to be obsessive about things. I don't think you are a terrible person, just a young autistic person who is confused. With those things being said, your past behavior is wrong. It violates the other person's rights and makes them feel scared, annoyed, and uncomfortable. Don't kill yourself. Just keep working to find ways not to repeat this behavior. Once you turn 18, the legal consequences could get a lot worse.

It is anxiety that caused by AS that makes u want to harass people that try to help you. Because if u annoy a person, and always get same response and attention, getting expected response from others helps u to eliminate the intense anxiety that u are experiencing. We need to replace this anxiety coping mechanism to better ones, so that u don't lose friends and support. e.g. when u feel u want to annoy people, just have deep breathes. Have an obsessive interest also helps, this is the survival mechanism of most AS. Healthy interest e.g. sports, reading books is good. Chances u may turn these interest into career. We need to channel the anxiety to positive energy. No point that hate yourself so much. U deserve sympathy. It is your AS condition that caused your behaviour. We all responsible for our own behaviour even with AS. So try take some training in anxiety and depression management.

In "Unwritten Rules of Social relationships", Sean Barron also described similar behaviour as u due to autism. He grow up to be a good person.