Accepting my nature and addiction

Post Reply New Topic

So over the past 6 months I've really began a route to change my life and I've had to make some hard decisions but I still have a great challenge ahead of me that I have failed many times over and any advice to help me through what I hope is my strongest attempt to date would be warmly welcomed.

After 25 or so years of trying every which way to be social and have friends and being denied or seriously hurt (both physically and emotionally) at EVERY incident I finally accepted myself as a person that is just not meant to have friends. I've done practices, different social approaches, multiple therapies and I've always had the exact same outcome so I've finally let the desire to have friends go. And to be honest I've found loneliness much easier to endure than the constant disappointment and pain I've had trying to be social. I no longer drink (well VERY rarely) and I go to bed around 9 or 10 every night allowing me to wake up every day focused, rested and chipper. As a result I find my mind far less troubled and jumbled with "what if's" and strategic brainstorming and by extension less stressed. This part is important because it was these stresses that I strongly believe were the underlying causes of my addiction.

I know it's not wholly accepted as an official addiction but I am a video game addict and compulsive overeater, plain and simple. I'm not morbidly obese but I'm chubbier than I should be by about 20lbs. and I can't imagine 20 years of thousands upon thousands of hours hasn't taken it's toll on my physically. Luckily, one of my loves short of video games is going to the gym and I go between 2 and 5 days a week (this is literally my only physical exercise as I'm in a chair for work and games 100% of the rest of the time). I can (like right now) reach a state where I can say to myself, "I do not want this in my life any more" in reference to games and I try to cut it out cold turkey. But I have to cut out TV as well or I just end up spending the same time in front of that.

This is where the problems begin and I have no real answer on how to get over this "need". The games are what numbs me out mentally and allows me to reset (Aspie btw). But it really does numb me like a drug. I try to fill up the time I would of spent on the game with the secondary interests I have (tailoring, reading, and gym stuff) but I never get the same numbness/reset. Typically what foils me in the end is that something socially based happens (like dating or what not) that really hurts me and I go straight back to my "drug" as it were. I have tried to not do this but my mind just can't stop thinking and analyzing (and failing to reach a logical conclusion of why people are dicks) and I get mentally overwhelmed and become very sour. If I play a game though (usually an MMO) I mellow out but also go into a lethargic state that can last between a couple days and several months. Then one day I finally find the strength to pick myself back up and start again at the point where I am now and the cycle starts again.

I really want to do it right this time and break the cycle but how do you as my fellow aspies reset yourselves without some sort of numbing medium? This time I do not have to go out and be social again as I said I've given that up so that trip hazard in my addiction cycle is gone. However, I'm not so naive as to think this will allow me to avoid emotional frustration in it's entirety and I know that cloud will head my way at some point. I keep telling myself I have the power to get exactly what I want out of life (sans social stuff) but this time some experienced support from my peers would be greatly appreciated.

Is it truly numbing, or is it just completely mentally engrossing?

What about an exercise bike while on the television? I've heard that the best willpower technique is staying away from what tempts you.

Well working out isn't an ingredient in the problem as that's already taken care of.

I honestly don't think there's a way to break that cycle. You might possibly find a workable substitute that's more active, but I think that the circle remains a necessity.

Sorry I can't be more helpful

I don't have a solution. I just want to commiserate with you. I lose track of time numbing out looking at TV, surfing the Internet, or even getting on this site. I think it has to do with my aspie brain. I have always been like this. I also have certain foods that I am addicted to. They help calm me down but they also make my thinking foggy. I, too, am overweight, and I am struggling eliminate these foods from my diet because I need to lose weight for health reasons. I don't know if it has to do with AS or something else, but it is just part of my nature. The only thing I have found that helps me is mindfulness. I consciously try to pay attention to what I am experiencing in the present moment. I catch myself when I am drifting off into thought or engaging in a meaningless, numbing activity. I don't try to go cold-turkey or completely abstain from anything. I just try to be mindful as often as I can. It is impossible to be mindful and get caught up in an obsession at the same time. I applaud you for going to the gym. Perhaps that will help protect you from the health effects of overeating.

“Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It’s that you’re destroying the peg.” — Paul Collins

Be you and learn to value that unique self. That's one of the hardest things to achieve for any of us in this world of shoulds, round holes, and ignorance. Everyone else wants to teach you how to be more like them. You have to teach yourself to be more like you.