childhood repurcussions

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Touchy subject. Psychiatrists always want to attribute mental problems with childhood events. My mother is going to turn 81 next month. She is not going to be around much longer. I am not really close to her but I live very near to her and check in on her a couple times a week. To me, its more of an obligatory thing. My sisters do most of the caring. She still gets around and piddles on her computer playing games. My sisters are all resentful of her because our parents divorced when we were all young and she was left with the responsibility of raising us. She farmed everyone out to in-laws instead of me. So my sisters hold resentment for her not being a proper mother to them. They still show her love and affection and take care of her needs, things I am incapable of because I cannot express intimacy and an unable to form relationships or be close to people. My sisters don't know that when I lived with her when I was 11-12-13 years old, she worked in bars and brought "clients" home with her to make extra money and I guess take care of her own needs. She always made sure I had food to eat, even if she had to sneak me in the back of her work to feed me. Sometimes I didn't see her for weeks on end.

Somehow, I survived. My mom doesn't know that I know she was selling her body. It was always in a different room of wherever place we occupied. Her "bf's" used to abuse me physically and emotionally, but not sexually. I don't hold the same resentments my sisters do. I don't [i]think[i] I hold any resentment at all. I don't feel any animosity for her, I just don't have a bond with her. I don't know how much of that has affected my development as a human being, or my mental issues. I'm sure it has nothing to do with AS. I was quirky before the divorce and have always been a loner. I have not even told my Psychiatrist about the above, but PTSD is one of my diagnosis. I am wondering now how much of it is true, this childhood manifesting into adult mental chaos. I would never be able to tell my Psychiatrist. I wouldn't be able to get through it. I would be crying my eyes out in a corner of her office on the floor if I tried to express all of this verbally, to anyone. It would shatter me. maybe that is what is expected. Maybe it is supposed to be like that, but it never will. Some things, as broken and tortured a human being as I am, I guess are just destined to haunt me. Not that I dwell on it. Something just reminded me of it tonight. I thought maybe shearing this with others might show that noone is alone in their suffering. What we all think makes our lives more hellacious than anyone else, is experienced by every human being. We all have our own demons.

This is horrible, and more than a kid should have to deal with. My parents were a bit remote and didnt show much affection, and could be insulting sometimes. I dont think my childhood was traumatic. it was safe for the most part. no horrible traumas or anything like this. except my parents being a bit insensitive, but they always took care of me and my siblings, none of which was violent or heartless.

but when i went to the grocery store as a child, the grownups jumped the line and made me wait for an hour sometimes, and you cant say anything because they'll hit you. didnt happen much because i wasnt sent to the grocery store much. when i told my mother about this, she said they're doing it to discipline me so i'll learn to behave.

but I dont this this was horrible or traumatic, although definitely an injustice and bullying. but many kids had to deal with much worse than this. I'm just the way i am because of genetics, that'll all.

I was very close to my brother, who was the only person i really communicated with, a milder aspie. but he stopped spending time with me and withdrew from anyone due to asperger, and that hurt because i was only nine or ten at the time, and found myself completely alone. still, the way i am i attribute to genetics.

Thank you. I experience the same thing. So may random things trigger the PTSD. I know it is because of my childhood.

The fact that u have such a strong emotion towards these childhood experience indicates that it does play a significant role in forming who u are now. Even u yourself think that since u are so detached from your mom, the childhood memories should not affect u now. This is wrong assumption. Your mom loves u very much, she sell her body in order to feed u and herself, it is out of her desperate situation, she didn't have much choice. She deserved forgiveness and compassion from u and others. The fact that she left u on your own when u are very young for weeks, that is a very bad experience for anyone. That may be why the PTSD diagnosis.

I think it is worth to try to talk to someone u trust or the therapist. The healing will come as u are open to talk through it. With so much strong and negative emotions trapped in u, not surprised that they torture u. Jesus cares about u so much that He die on the cross so that for those who accept Him as saviour, He can save u. U can recover from bad experiences. God specialised in turning bad into good for those who trust Him.

I agree. Therapy can help. I just went through two years of therapy focused on early childhood experiences. I have gotten a lot of freedom from it. The PTSD doesn't go away, but I was taught how to deal with those feelings when they come.

I was good with your response until you went Jesus on me. That is what I despise about your faith. You prey on people who are vulnerable, weak and suffering. Please don't insult my intelligence again. I survived and made it through my life because I turned away from the weakness that your faith manifests. I never had negative emotions toward my mother. I don't need to forgive her for anything because I dont now and never have had animosity for her. I was sharing my story because another member had posted something that day about their mother and it reminded me of my childhood. I never dwell on it. My mother lives one minute away and I visit a few times a week. My detachment has nothing specifically to do with her. I feel detached from all human beings.
I think that is an aspie thing, not a guilt thing.

Religion in general preys on vulnerable people. This is especially true in the US, where there is no "official" religion, unlike in Europe. Furthermore, there is no plurality religion, unlike Europe where Muslims make up 40% or more of some countries. So, if a European hates Christianity, he/she can be a Muslim.

In America, there is a zillion different forms of Christianity, and non-Christian beliefs like Islam, Buddhism, and atheism are looked down upon and scorned. So what you have is a nation where missionaries are all over the place trying to convince as many people as they can that the Mormon or Christian Scientist or Jehovah's Witness version of Jesus is better than the OTHER GUY'S (yeah, him, over there!) version of Jesus.

Preachers on every street corner, some of them quite weird. Jack Chick comic books (if you've never read one, google them, they're quite bizarre). "Watchtower" pamphlets pushed in your face. Mormon missionaries going door to door. And don't get me started on all the cults all over the place. The only place worse religion wise is (imo) Australia, where there is a similar situation and all sorts of crazy micro-religions.

I suppose it's superior to living under say Islamic State rule, but it can try one's patience. If you're an atheist, everybody happily informs you that you're going to hell. One man's hell is another's heaven. So the sects bottom feed, with food given to the poor in exchange for mandatory prayer and adoption of a certain version of Jesus. Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you, and try to find a therapist who won't go into the Jesus act with you or try to convert you to some guru.

Yeah, after my parents divorced I never saw or spoke to my father again. He died 4 years ago, having gotten deeply involved in Christianity sometime during his life. He began reaching out to my siblings about 4 years prior to his death, after ignoring their existence for 40 years. He laid the whole guilt trip, forgive me, I love you BS on them and they all sank into it and were at his bedside when he died, soon to be fighting over all of his belongings and the small inheritance he left them. Now they are all bible toting, cross wearing "born again" hypocrites. I know nothing of his life other than what my siblings share with me, but I have had my own experiences with Christians that have greatly influenced my opinions of Christians. My opinions of them developed not from trauma, abuse or anything to do with my father. Just seeing how Christians, not individually, but as a religion, operate, is totally repugnant to me.

I don't know if I'd hand out the PTSD label to anyone with a rough childhood, but how you're raised and brought into the world will always shape the person you are in present day.

I was not "raised" though. I was neglected and ignored pretty much and joined the military as soon as I was legally able to. I would not say that I am militarily "regimented" now, but I live a very disciplined life, a habit that I only developed 20 years after being discharged from service. I believe OCD related. In the military I was always being reprimanded for dress code violations. Very sloppy. Now I am immaculate.

Life 'sculptured' you. The militairy provided you the bonding experience you never managed to develop as a child. It's about belonging. Having a community you can call your own.

I'm a funny one. First three years of my life were sweet but then my primary carer had a stroke or similar. Whilst she was home alone with me and when my mother came home nan was in a coma and I was sitting on her lap.
No one can tell me how much time I spent on my comatose nan's lap before my mother came home but she had raised me lovingly enough to give me the strength to pull through till the day I was old enough to leave and do it on my own. My mother, as she is nearing the end, is trying to crawl out of the denial I have denied her all these years but I doubt she'll get there in time. It's not my problem.
Thing is them being the 'good' catholics they were they would have told me nan went to heaven with the angels. And low and behold, I DID have a guiding light as a child. Like a bright soft pastel white with a shadowy face that had wild hair that would pop into my mind and I would hear a voice that told me "don't worry, everything will be allright in the end". And it was the only thing I unconditionally trusted.
I did try to join the army and life has taught me it was my wish to belong that had me do so. All females were allowed to do in the Belgian army in those days was cook, medic or administrative positions so I passed as my dream was to drive and I was not allowed in the army on grounds of being a girl.
And all did turn out allright in the end. I spent many years first riding then driving for a living and had/have some of the best memories I could wish for and they in turn provided the basis for the next stage of my life.
It is a touchy subject. Take care 'n' be lucky

I am glad things have turned out to be tolerable for you. Cherish every second of every waking moment. Fully experience the unpleasant as well as they will make you more appreciative of the enjoyable. Good luck for you. Happy trails.