Pitfalls of being nice?

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Could someone please spell this one out for me?

I don't like being mean, I get anxious. I like being kind, it doesn't hurt anyone. Ive been on the receiving end of both meanness and kindness, I know which one I prefer. When I have to stand up for myself I will, but my tolerance levels are perhaps too high, or I don't notice that someone is pushing the acceptable boundaries.

Why is being nice/passive a bad thing?

Nice people are seen as weak, and will often be taken advantage of by those who only act nice.

Thank you for answering my question, a few more things make sense now. Trusting no one seems to be the only practical option, something I learned years ago. It is what it is.

Being nice is not a bad thing, but not understanding what nice is, can be a bad thing. Let's talk about what nice is not.

Nice is not...
Telling someone something is ok with you when it isn't.
Failing to tell someone that something is not ok when it is not ok.
Doing unsolicited favors with the expectation you will get something in return.
Doing solicited favors that are big inconveniences to you and expecting the person will know and acknowledge what an inconvenience it is, and reciprocate accordingly.

A lot of people who consider themselves to be nicer than average tend to feel taken advantage of because they have misconceptions about what nice is. But in most instances, they are not being taken advantage of, or at least not intentionally so. They are just not communicating and enforcing their boundaries and their needs, and the other party is not a mind reader.

Then again, there are some people who will take as much as you give and try to get you to give more than you should or can.

Frankly, I can't live like that--in default mistrust.

I defend myself when attacked--but I find most people have better things to do with their time than living that social Darwinist dream.

Stay alert, trust no one, and verify everything.

Be careful, though. One of the tools that "They" use is doubt. They will try to make you doubt even your own perceptions ("Oh, that didn't hurt, now did it?"), your own opinions ("Well that's only what you think!"), and your own abilities ("It's impossible for an Aspie to succeed!").

Learn everything you can about the real world, and preferably from different sources. If you find that two or more "experts" disagree on something, find out which of the "experts" would profit the most from misinforming you. Start with the religious "experts", then the "experts" who claim to know what others are thinking, then the "experts" whose beliefs are their only "proof".

Learn to reason for yourself; and only from valid, empirical evidence.

Living in mistrust of "experts" makes all the difference between becoming successful and remaining a loser.

Chronos, your list of examples are a useful description of a ‘doormat’, yes how anyone could expect another to respect their boundaries when they are not communicated.
Kraftie, it’s nice that your experiences of adversity with people have had the context of knowing why you were different.
Fnord, I am familiar with doubt being used like you describe. I do need to 'wise up', and be more confident in my abilities again. That is difficult for me, I believed the negative adjectives my husband used to describe me, I did not distinguish between my personality and depression.

I know what you mean. People use insults as a way to assert their power. They don't even care whether they are true or not. I have learned to disregard most insults.

Yes, it is largely power related.
(Struggling with communication)

Being nice or passive isn't a bad thing. It's their usage in particular situations that could be seen as suboptimal. Judging each situation with one's comfort level regarding it is required to create the appropriate response. It takes a lot of trial and error, but given enough social experiences, one can be more prepared for those scenarios if they repeat.

Of course, it's not perfect. However, by looking internally and seeing what could have made the experience better can potentially trigger in the next scenario, allowing for more comfort in said scenario. Also, I'm sounding like a machine by painting it with such a broad, gray brush.

Let me try and sum it up with some more heart.

Judge each situation you come across to the best of your ability, not the abilities of others. Create a greater sense of self-awareness from these experiences.

I feel the same way. I think people have trouble believing I am for real as apparently a lot of people are only nice as part of trying to achieve a goal other than just being kind and avoiding hurting others. I have been told that often, people are thinking about how to achieve power, and that means (I think) that when we are nice just to be nice it may not be trusted, because (apparently) that's not typical behavior. Plus atypical makes people uneasy.

Decorequiem -I do need to develop respect for my comfort levels. I tried this almost novel concept out this evening with a sibling and the situation worked out much better for me than in the past. I’ll probably pay for the ‘out of character’ approach tomorrow, but it felt so much better than keeping quiet and avoiding some confrontation. Next time I’ll try to be less blunt though.

Waterfalls –The ulterior motives of others is something I need to become more aware of, I was sharper in my twenties, but felt like I was frying my brain trying to figure out what peoples motives were and quite often my perception was wrong. I relaxed a bit too much and probably created a lot of difficult situations for myself, need to find a balance between cynicism and naivety.

A lot of people get their kicks from taking advantage of others. They see life as a game of winners and losers and in their head taking advantage of someone makes you a winner. Mostly I steer clear of these people. They lack any kind of internal ethic.