PTSD and constant use of ABA

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(Take note, I'll use pictures and videos to describe how my mind feels at the moment; it's somewhat of a coping mechanism)

For f**k's sake, I'm tired of living like a ticking time bomb, but those f*****g bastards are at fault. They created it, and they have to pay. That's the kind of mindstate I'm in.

I already described my experience with behavior modification here. What I only mentioned though was the passive dehumanization; I didn't even get to mention how my brother treated me like absolute s**t for so much of my life (such as shaming me for not having a girlfriend, or even going as far as threatening physical abuse for constantly watching the news or reading Wikipedia), a far more aggressive package of what I was already receiving. Of course, I've said many times before that middle school was absolute literal hell receiving so much bullying, name-calling, stigmatization, and depression, and I still can't move on from any of this. The simple lining is because it has affected me so much in my daily life, I can't just "move on".

Re-calling all this information, it's becoming more and more clear how much of an effect it has had on me. Not only have my social skills (and my trust in neurotypicals) have been incredibly hampered by so much abuse (whether at the hands of the speech teacher or my brother), but all of this is causing post-traumatic stress disorder. One insult, or maybe a little hitting, won't cause so much except perhaps resentment. But I had to endure years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse by my brother. In addition, I had to experience even more years of constant dehumanization at the hands of the special education teachers, and actually in the process worsening the life skills they were supposed to fix! (I should also note that my PTSD will sometimes die down, but it can definitely flare up; my PTSD definitely flared up around mid-July, and it's probably peaking right now)

It's why I'm constantly going on about autistic genocide, why I don't trust NTs, why I hate SpED and speech so much, and so much more. I've noticed that I've been much more constantly angry and irritable as well, so much to the point where I feel like I'm constantly releasing a cathartic anger towards people who I perceive to never to have gone through "the autistic struggle" that I did; in fact, it's possible I may be so angry because I never "got a chance", that I never experienced the BS teen high school stuff fully. So in a sense, I feel robbed, robbed of many things. But what disturbs me most of all: I feel I was robbed of fun, pleasure, experience, happiness, friendship, and even unconditional love. My PTSD and the paranoia that comes with it has constantly got in the way of my life and making friends and understanding people. It's like a monster that's always eating me up, and I can't escape it. It gives me nightmares of me being put in situations where I'm being chased or monitored by people I consider my enemies, and by extension, enemies of the autistic community; I even once dreamed of an autistic version of the 1992 Los Angeles riots. The signs of PTSD are all there.

I'm tired of living so damn paranoid and constantly being mistrustful of people, and I'm tired of ranting at other people just to feel some sense of cathartic pleasure, that those f*****g NT-extrovert pompous bastards got a f*****g taste of what it's like to put a man in the autistic ghetto. I'm tired of constantly being around people that promote the idea of my inferiority, and I'm tired of worrying of other people seeing as such. I'm so f*****g tired, sick of all the bullshit.

That's all I have to say. God, or whatever, save me from this f*****g demon. I've lived with it for a very long time, and I'm tired of it.

Though I was never in special ed and ABA was never done to me, I know exactly how you feel, or think I do. I have the cathartic pleasure in talking about the abuse suffered. It's a relief. I have also thought of the autistic struggle, though for me it was less ghettos and more the Holocaust, complete with Auschwitz and gassing and cremating facilities and other atrocities. Though I did wish we would all just team up and form a gang. PM me if you want to talk.

I also feel like I never got a chance; that they made me so emotionally disturbed I had to concentrate on that instead, as well as on saving face here and there because I was so embarrassed. And wasting time doing it.

I get that too. I'm writing now about my experiences in SpED, and while I was a student mostly in the 1990s so ABA wasn't a thing yet, there were some serious problems with the way we were treated by both staff and other students. I had hoped things had gotten better, having seen some evidence that in "good" school programs they are focusing more on what the individual wants and on having SpED kids mainstreamed more, but I know in the same underfunded public schools I went to, in a lot of cases there's probably still a "room where THOSE kids go" like the ones I was always stuck in.