A glued-together vase is never the same

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Every now and then I run into encounters with people which remind me that some damage is irreversible. This is a self-pity post, and I realize that, but maybe some of these things need to be fully put down on paper.

___________

Between 7 and 17 years of age I was put through "normal hell" known as the education system. It didn't help that it was among the gray buildings of former USSR, as opposed to a civilized country.

We didn't have any counseling or anti-bullying programs, however little they do.

Having been born a highly sensitive person (HSP), into this barebones environment, I was blessed with functional and protective parents. However, they had no clue what happened at school and in the yard.

At first, other kids thought I was normal. I looked "cute", but my behavior changed everything.

I was not good at fluid allegiances, fake smiles, or stealth evil. After someone hit me 10 times, the teacher would see when I hit them BACK, and berate me instead.

I got into one faux pas after another, missing social cues and falling for every single setup. I became the social pariah, the unintentioned class clown, the dude on whom you'd test your reflexes.

I dreaded going to school. Every day was a disaster, in form of either verbal humiliation, an embarrassment (someone hides my jacket for laughs), or being pulled into a fight, where I mostly lost, because I only punched other guys in the chest. Hitting another human being's face was unfathomable to me.

I've been hit in the face and kicked in the balls numerous times, had an apple thrown in my face (another instant black eye), mounted on the ground by two guys and punched in the face repeatedly, uppercut in the chin so my head hit a wall, had a friend let his friend hit me in the face, at age of 17 attacked by a gang... That last encounter was miraculously disrupted by local police, or I might not be here.

My contact with party invitations was soon limited to passing them to others. On Valentine's Day, when we were supposed to play "secret Santa", I wrote a note to a girl I liked and put it with a box of chocolates on her desk. A few people gathered around the girl who read the note, visibly blushed, and asked, "who wrote this?" My desk only had a pen on it - the pity present teacher put there. A reminder of my social standing. I stood there and said nothing.

Somewhere over the course of this, I no longer had a even semblance of healthy boundaries. I know I started with them as a kid, but by the age of 11 or so, they were bulldozed over by school bullies whom I attracted constantly. I no longer had a sense of where I begin and other people end, when it was okay to say "no", and when it is mandatory to say "yes"...

My first relationship was at 20, and it was a disaster. I got too close, couldn't tell where I ended and she began, I was awkward at social occasions despite all my efforts, and she eventually dumped me.

That's where I REALIZED something was wrong with me. I started training in Aikido, which got rid of PTSD flashbacks.

However even now, 20 years after graduating Soviet high school, I run into situations which tell me what's broken. Despite all the "healing" and "self-improvement", and "self-validation", this fact is inescapable - at one point I was completely DESTROYED.

I picked up each piece individually, walking through dark veil of clinical depression, looked at them and glued them back together. Then I pulled myself out of clinical depression, too. Which was timely, because in late teens and early twenties I was cutting myself.

So hooray! I no longer flinched when another male would pat me on the shoulder, nor would I get flustered when walking down the street or sitting in a bus. CostCo would no longer terrify me.

And yet I can so easily identify people whose boundaries have NEVER BEEN BULLDOZED. Their shields are at the right place, their defenses are appropriate and instinctive, they are openly generous with their feelings in a way of which I am no longer capable.

They're not like me. I haven't been like them for a very long time. Through martial arts I re-learn artificially what they already know naturally - how to be assertive without being a jerk, WHEN to comply, WHEN it's okay to say "no" and when it's not...

And the moment my training stalls, I lose whatever measly improvement, and downgrade back to my 17-year-old self.

Is this guy pranking me or being a jerk? Will my reaction be over the top? Am I right to feel upset about something my sister said? Can people close to me exhibit the same dishonesty as strangers? Am I overreacting or underreacting? Should hurt feelings be sacrificed for "harmony" and with whom?

Sometimes I know the answer to these questions. Much of the time, I'm lost.

I am an anomaly, a vase haphazardly glued back together, vaguely resembling its former shape from a distance, its flaws becoming more and more visible as you get closer.

With every person I meet, deep down I feel unworthy as I struggle to Pass The Test - to hide the missing pieces, my incompleteness as a human being.

Sooner or later, inevitably, they see me.

While I wasn't bullied anywhere near as badly as you, I can somewhat identify. As a child, teenager and young adult I felt that my problems mainly had an external cause (usually other people). The more time passed the more I realised that, while other people are indeed a problem, maybe I'm seriously broken, too. At this stage it really feels like some aspects of me are beyond repair. And the really scary thing is: I'm still discovering the extent of the damage.

I was bullied a BIT less than you.

What I did at age 18: began building a NEW vase for myself

I decided I would just move on. These were kids, anyway. I was an adult now. I threw the pieces of the "kid vase" in the garbage/rubbish bin.

The interesting part was, suddenly recalling incidents 5 or even 10 years later, and seeing where I screwed up due to inability to sense social cues, or fluently repeat physical tasks/quickly react to situations.

This is why I joined these forums, because my earlier life is a textbook Aspergers case. My school years were actually "Napoleon Dynamite", including the Rex Kwon Do segment! And later it was a lot like the movie "Adam".

Now I can kind of pass for normal and have social fluidity for periods of time, but there are times when everything just stops working and everyone I interact with senses the odd timing or subtle missed beats in conversation that I just can't naturally and fully replicate. They sense them and edge away.



Childhood/adolescent trauma alters people for life. You are no exception to this. Your reply, oblivious to emotional content of my post and the purpose of this forum, is evidence of that. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but because it's true.

I'm not oblivious. I'm just stating my experience. What's your problem with that?

Sometimes, stuff happens. To harp on it is useless unless you could gain from it.

We learn from history.....but we use it constructively. I'm not perfect in this-- far from it. I wallow in self-pity sometimes.

Have I been "harping" excessively in the recent past on these forums about my issues, spamming all the threads?

No?

Then think about what set you off enough to use such shitty language.



I've made a lot of effort to be constructive and improve, if you've actually bothered to read my post.

Which you haven't.



Thanks for throwing that bone from your high horse.



The problem with that is that dressing up "suck it up you p****" reply with vaguely better-sounding words doesn't make you any less of a dick. It just makes you a passive-aggressive dick.

I've had enough of your "contributions". Kindly go "help" someone else now. Preferably in a different forum entirely.

I think a lot of NTs are also broken--the difference is that they are better at hiding the damage--until you really know them.

Hey....there was no reason for that attack...none.

But if it makes you feel better, then I suppose it served its purpose. Hence, it was constructive.

Just so you know: my middle name is Richard....so I am a "Dick."

I'm sorry you're feeling bad about things, despite your little tirade.

I'm actually a Mr Softee in real life.

I apologize for making you feel bad.

I recommend you read Elie Wiesel's essays. He was a concentration camp survivor.

Also: Arthur Koestler's "Darkness at Noon." It takes place during Stalin's purges of the 1930s

LOL, I don't know where these special magical "NTs" that you write of are. I know many of them who wear their damage on their sleeves. Who among us doesn't? (Except maybe Kraftie - I'm kidding, I think he was just trying to tell you it is possible to move beyond your childhood pain, it just came out a little awkwardly).

Elie Wiesel's essays are really insightful - thanks kraftiekortie (and for always being so nice to everyone).

Thanks so much, LabPet.

Maybe I came on a bit strong.

But I found the image of a poorly put-together vase after breakage to be a metaphor for hopelessness. That the person will never be "whole" again or as "beautiful" as the vase which was previously broken. I don't find that to be true as far as human potential is concerned.

This sort of outlook really stymies progress.

I guess I should have been more understanding of the fact that the person was having a bad day.

You survived all that and GRADUATED? My friend that is anything but pitiful. I too know the rigors of PTSD and I can tell you from my own experiences that being this hard to kill is the ultimate expression of humanity. Your English is indistinguishable from any native speaker, let alone how surprised I am by the fact you can clearly still type.

What's Akido like? I've barely learned any martial arts but you make a great case for doing so...

Firstly, so sorry for what you've endured....you most certainly did not deserve that. Please remember that you never need to justify yourself - their heinous actions are independent of your innocence. Regardless of whether you can or cannot read others intentions, they are wholly wrong in hurting another. You deserve better credit for what you've endured.

Those bullies have thrown rocks at you, but you're absolutely not broken. In reference to your analogy of a 'broken vase': A glass vase would been shattered, and you're right that a glued-together porcelain vase is never the same. But most importantly, you are made of another material than a vase! A material far superior than just glass or brittle porcelain. Instead, consider that you're brain is made of neurons that are amazingly plastic, entirely unlike any porcelain. Sensitive individuals do have advantages.

Thank you for your support

Aikido helped reprogram my brain beyond fight-and-flight response that I would get in proximity to strangers.

After graduating from 11 grades in former USSR, I migrated to America and enrolled in 12th (final) grade here. During that year I completely misinterpreted a situation and managed to get into a pointless fight, where I went completely apeshit and damaged the dude's teeth before a teacher took us apart.

It was symptomatic of the problem - my descent into madness over the preceding decade was gradual, and I never knew that there was something wrong with me. I got into that fight in order to STOP THE PAST FROM REPEATING like an infinite loop which played in my head.

When I walked in the evening down the street, and laughing people would walk toward me, I had to cross the street, because with 100% certainty it pulsed inside my head that they're laughing AT ME, and they WILL hurt me. It's like faces of my past enemies were superimposed over theirs. But I didn't remember seeing the world in a different way, so I didn't even know it was PTSD.

Aikido was crucial in turning this around. It started reprogramming my brain to accept the fact that even conflicts aren't just "fight or flight", that there are other options to deal with incoming force. Through physicality of it, it also altered how my brain viewed ALL human interaction.

It completely removed PTSD. Now I see research that it's being used to help war vets with PTSD as well. There are powerful psychological mechanisms in that art, which is why it was created to "make the world one family", according to its creator, after he witnessed the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.




Thank you. I've been following a number of healing and self-improvement methods over the years. Sometimes, however, several things just happen within a short period of time and it seems futile. I know that the idea is to stop feeding the dark thoughts so they will starve.