feel like I will never be appreciated at work

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My job does a thing called "staff spotlight" every month. It's basically an employee-of-the-month thing, though they don't call it that. The other staff vote, and they put your picture on the wall and a blurb about your contributions. It's kind of understood that the "best" staff are the ones who get it, but there's a rule that we have to pick each staff member once before picking anybody twice. I still haven't been picked and of the few others left, all of them are either way newer than me or are supervisors, who we only recently extended the spotlight to. It really feels like getting picked for a team in gym class in school - whoever gets picked last, you know nobody wanted to pick at all. And it's really starting to look like I will be the last one picked, if they even keep it going long enough to pick me at all. Today the girl in charge of it came to me with the name of one of the supervisors written on a piece of paper and said "Is it okay if instead of voting, we just give it to him? We've been through almost everybody and I think we're all kind of over it." And I said okay because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and also because I don't want them to give it to me just because they know I really want it and feel sorry for me or something, I want them to really think I deserve it. But as soon as she left the room, I cried. I get it that this doesn't really mean anything to a lot of them, especially at this point, but it matters to me. I'm the only autistic person who works there, the only person with any disability, even though we are a day program for people with disabilities. All the other staff are NT/non-disabled. I am the only one who deals with challenges like our clients. I'm the only one who spent my childhood in Special Ed classes being told that I probably would never have a real job at all. I'm the only one who has to try twice as hard as everyone else just to be half as good, and I feel like they don't see any of that, they just see someone who doesn't have it as together as they do and never will, and they will never pick me until they have no choice, and it will basically be them saying "congratulations, you are officially the worst employee."

I've been on my job 34 years. It's pretty evident that the regard me with somewhat of a grain of salt. I've never gotten an "employee of the month" certificate.

All I care about is that I get my check and that I'm going to get a pension when I retire.

As long as you do enough to be useful, I would just stick with that. I would like to be appreciate as well--but the reality is, in many cases, that it's a "clique" sort of situation. Forget about the cliques, just get your check and split at quitting time.

Well their awards system is flawed. If everyone has to be awarded it (eventually) then it's not a reflection of merit is it? And yes it does lead to the embarrassing situation you are now in, where the unpopular person is inadvertently shamed by virtue of being left out. If it was truly an employee of the month thing then the same person winning it over and over would actually be believable and lot more fair on everyone. That person would be there because they consistently do better than all the rest. There would be no shame in not making it onto the board.

I understand your feelings and really have no words of wisdom about how to deal with those. I purchase Gin and Rum for such minor meltdowns at home which are drowned in a tipple of something tasty. Occassionally I use Bailey's, it's tastier but I can seriously drink a whole bottle in a single session and put on a tonne of weight.

The award system sucks as much as giving a medal to everyone in a race, even if they only showed up to sit on the bench!

Even suckier is such a system's unspoken rule of "He who is picked last should never have been picked at all".

The fact that the system is really nothing more than a popularity contest is the suckiest fact of all.

I hope that the people in HR catch on to the humiliation they're causing before the system finishes its first cycle.

In popularity contests, the extroverts will always win.

Have you shared your feelings with your boss?

I think your staff spotlight is really more of a popularity contest than anything else. Work politics. I think most workplaces value employee/coworker socialization as being more important than work contributions. I always dreaded any attempt by an employer to show "appreciation" or recognition for work contributions. As far as I was concerned, unless I had done something wrong I would rather not be seen. I have seen many coworkers given "special recognition" when they had really contributed nothing special at all. I think it is mainly just morale bullsh*t. Make people feel important every once in a while and they will bend over more easily the rest of the time.