I want to escape reality

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I have never been good at living in the real world but this week I really want to escape it. I can't stand being here anymore and I want to leave and never return. I want to leave this place and have nothing more to do with people. All my life I've just wanted to not live. And even now in midlife I still want to not live. I feel such disappointment and anger at having to be here, having to exist and feel this pain all the time. It's like a prison.

What's happened?

tell something about yourself ?

Nothing has happened except I feel my desire to check out of life more keenly than normal. I have this argument with myself all the time about why I exist and now that I realise I am a useless person why I should continue to exist. And I cant ever find a reason to exist but I keep on being here. And I keep running into people (not people, men) who seem like they might want to get to know me and I'm like...

Hell no. Go away I just got myself into a stable place. I'm not going through that crap again because you want sex or whatever. My equilibrium which is tenuous at best has been disturbed. It makes me feel uneasy. So I'm listening to the same song over and over trying to calm my farm.

You sound very tired, can you stop thinking and rest? Or do you feel too unsafe?

Yes, I'm the same. And on top of that men who think they are a big price for you.

I am very tired but also insomniac when I get wound up like this. And my cat keeps jumping into my lap, pushing his head in my face and otherwise being a nuisance. I love him but seriously it's hot and I don't want a 10kg cat in my lap right now.

Yes this. I just get so sick of them trying to assert themselves into my life.

Thank you but my life is 1000% better when you're not in it. Go pay a prostitute, I'm not giving it out for free, and leave me alone.

It would be nice to take a holiday/break from reality. I'd like to pull the duvet over my head and disappear for a week, just a few days with no pain or bs.

I just deleted two hours of thought, agonisation and cameradery , by mitake

Were all rooting fo yo

I'm trying to create my own little paradise, a beautiful garden with a tiny cottage on it. It's what I've been working for, for the last decade. This year is the year to buy that acre and build my dream. It's the physical manifestation of my internal fantasy world that I escape to. The thought of the garden where I lie under the apple blossoms that fall and look out over the pond, being real is beautiful to me. Once it's built I plan to move there, quit my job and live outside of the real world, for real. The small income I will need can be created other ways.

I'm good with the garden. I seem to have the midas touch in that regard and I long to sit under falling blossoms and smell that pollen in the spring while watching the bees. My dream made real.

That's the plan.

That sounds so lovely, I had a dream like that once.
I guess if you rely only on yourself, your goals are more likely to happen. A decade working towards it, fair play to you. I'm good with gardening too, I love transforming an outdoor space with plants grown from seed.