New psych

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And so far I really like her (except for the Geelong supporting bit...at least it's not port or the cold toast scums I guess). Although she has indicated that I will be in some sort of therapy for the rest of my life (which I feared) which sucks. I don't WANT to be in therapy, I don't WANT to be feeling like this, I don't WANT to be having Major Depressive Episodes (brought on by the snowballing of crap in 2014, apparently that won't be the last one either), I want to be cured and get on with a happy life.

Bleh bleh bleh.

First day back at work after not leaving the house for 3 days (I couldn't. I just couldn't) and I am throughly exhausted. It's stupid, but the worst thing is the boss is totally understanding and if I went into his office and told him I was exhausted he'd let me go home and tell me to take care of myself. Don't ask me how it's a bad thing, but it's just something that makes me feel bad.

You really have a nice boss!

What do you do?--if you don't mind me asking.

I'm not sure what you mean by "Geelong supporting bit." I know Geelong is an Australian city.

I fix computers for a living (read: "Have you turned it off and on again?").

Geelong also have their own football team (Geelong Cats) who I tolerate (Go Lions!).

My boss is pretty good. I got a scare before Christmas when two of the higher up managers took me out for coffee, I thought my job was gone. Instead I got treated to the "We want to help you through this, you have our full support" spiel which was a huge relief.

Apparently though when I moved to my new job last year morale went up quite a bit. Looks like I'm good for a little bit after all.

I've worked in all kinds of technology for years now. Never had a boss say anything that kind to me. I find that we on the spectrum, and particularly the geek side of things have developed strong senses of humor by sheer necessity. I love to laugh and I get quicker with a joke in reply every day, though I wouldn't wish knowledge of the reasons I know all my shticks on anybody.

I know how you feel. It's the idea that nobody I've ever met could survive five seconds inside my mind...

It helps when you're the only female in the building, you really need to have a sense of humour and be able to let things slide when you're the extreme minority (that being said the guys do try to accomodate me and I let them know if they've gone too far).

I lasted a whole hour at work today before I had to get out of there, my stomach was hurting and I wanted to throw up but couldn't. Baby steps I guess. I'm keeping a record of things for my psych, I figure the more information I can give her the better (I think that's my inner support technician coming out, have as much info as you can about the problem so you're better able to fix it!).

What treatment are you undergoing with the doctor?

I find that for myself a weekly therapy session does me more good than my meds do. They help in the sense of calming me and helping me not to obsess so much but as far as dealing with life it is a necessity for me. I have come to realize that this will be a lifelong treatment for myself but there is nothing wrong with that. I know what it is like to be severely depressed as well. Not wanting to get out of bed or even lift my head and just keep it buried under a pillow.

She says it will probably be counselling and CBT again. Worked last time with my old psych so I guess it will work again.

So you're not trying hard enough, eh?
That was the first 38 years of my life. I'm bitter about it. CBT, mindfulness, whatever, can only take you so far and then it turns into the blame/dismissal game.

But maybe you just need a refresher. What do I know?

It did work, but I daresay I need some refreshing and will probably need it for the rest of my life.

I'm keeping a diary now too making sure I can give as much information to the psych as I can. Probably my inner tech coming out.

Notes are a good idea. I often become flustered and forget things I meant to bring up.

I'm waiting for her to send me an email that I can forward to my boss, it has the info in it that we discussed at Fridays session - just some general info on what's going on and stratagies that we think might work. So far nothing.

So tired at the moment. My tummy is upset and I have a headache and my chest feels like lead. I used to get angry sometimes at myself because I've always had anxiety, but if I can get back to where I was before where I was enjoying work and able to get things done and be a people person again I will never EVER get angry again! Where I was is pure heaven compared to the quagmire I find myself in now.