Rants
Been there.
'Doctors' orders' are really a rather callous & painstaking thing to live by. I don't like the fact of these doctors leaving a chemical mess in the one place (our minds) where we know ourselves. I hope you gain those people's respect, there doesn't seem to be any other way through the unbelievable quantities of drugs they think they can solve problems with.
Take care dude I'm right there with ya.
_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
Well thanks cberg and cathylynn thats the problem...
The doctor gave me nothing... other then Trileptal but yeah I guess its better then nothing, I was hoping to get back on the seroquel and did unoffically but I wanted it official so I am just not having a good day I guess. I think I am going try and smoke (or vape) some legal CBD weed. I am debating on how safe it is, a lot of stores sell fake weed under a legal banner but someone told me about it. I have only ever had CBD in tea and it was calming I guess.
Oh can it get any darker,
Yes, yes it can.
It'll do it for the lulz
You know why I think abuse has been on my mind a lot lately, cause there was like, jack s**t I could do to stop that from happening and now there jack s**t I can do about my current situation. Make things worse, the two are probably even more inter-connected.
I feel like a scum bag you want to know the truth.
I am going to probably sacrifice my own flesh and blood for my own personal well being.
Its not fair and its not just to be honest, yes I was abused but my brother was 17 at the time.
Just like my abuse, I am powerless to stop a bad outcome, I could be wrong and I hope I am but that is where it leads isn't it?
Well f**k is all I have to say to that, just simply f**k.
try taking the trileptal religiously along with whatever else you do. the only reason i can see for not wanting to prescribe seroquel is that you had OD'd on it. it's a perfectly good drug for what you're dealing with. if you're going to take it, try being regular (every day) with it, too. small doses (which i know is what you tend to give yourself) of mj relieve stress, while large doses worsen it.
Hey what do you know, that why they said they didn't want to give me the seroquel but its bit unforgiving, I OD cause of axinety and suddenly I am bi-polar which I might be and AM NOT ARGUING I AM SANE, just saying that that is hell of a conclusion to come from by having a panic attack. I did 300 mg of seroquel but sleep most of yesterday so I am taking 100 now, seems my tolerance is lowing for the drug after overdosing though I don't think 300 mg is unsafe, it what I got in the psych ward before last.
But I don't really care, I am probably gonna be arrested by the fbi for lulz at some point, not sure why they have an interest but my mind can think of a few things that seem largely petty to me but whatever. Downloading the internet for the lulz probably didn't help with that whole fbi anti piracy thing but I rarely torrented anything for years but I am okay with it. Lets do it for the lulz.
At least I get bragging rights for attracting the attention of those in high places... by doing drugs and using torrents, I feel sorry for any kidnapped this week, they apparently aren't interested in that cause they are too busy following me around.
No one talks to me see, they give it away with people approach me cause no one approaches me, I am uninteresting...
I am gonna go eat somewhere,
Does the fbi have a preference? lol
Good didn't think so,
Dear God I am losing my mind, its gone, you made me lose it, I know, I never had one and I know you have seen enough to know I never had one but its the fact you see all that made me lose my mind. Everyone is not sane in private, none of you are any different but why me? I really am struggling to find an interest, hell I'll tell you where my brother is if that is what you want?
Am I on a permanent watch list for the lulz over cannabis... well that one I don't have a defense for, I love drugs but like I said I feel sorry for anyone kidnapped this week. There are better things to do then mind f**k me and you know it.
I told you people I am guilty by heart, I would do all the above if I thought I could get away with it. But I don't, doesn't change my heart much. Its probably not gonna be peaceful, nope, it'll probably sting like a b***h but its life.
I am going go now...
I hate you for what you did to my computer though, I hate you for it, it was the only thing in this world worth living for to me next to drugs and now I have neither so I hate you for it. But its alright, its alright, bring it down crashing around me, it can get worse but I don't think I can feel it anymore, not after what happened to my computer and no drugs to pacify me. f**k it, doesn't matter to me, make it hurt for all I care, that doesn't matter to me either.
Yes why are you in jail?
LULZ Motherf***er
THAT IS WHY I AM IN JAIL
Some dark s**t happened, I lost my mind, nuff said.
Nuff said cause no one tells me anything, I'll probably get life for "hacking conspiracy" without really much clue as to what the hell is going on. Lets go my friend... going leave out in about ten minutes, going smoke and get subway, lock S foils in attack position...
I saw where it ended when I broke down in your hallway actually,
I have dreamed dreams,
Its the only thing that makes logical sense,
Nab him I say, I hope you used my server to do it actually cause its ironic but then again I've lost the tiny bit of mind I've had so I don't know. I probably don't know where it ends and yeah I lost my mind when I was abused, I can remember it pretty clearly, I was crying and then I lost it. But its not all bad, it gave me theory of mind, NOT that I am recommending we abuse autistic people in the worse way possible, just stating, it had that effect on me.
I am going to get drunk and become a raging F-ing alcoholic...
Yes I am, can't do weed, gonna get drunk.
Personally I would rather have weed but I guess I'll follow the rules... and get drunk.
I can't function either way so its hard to really know what does and doesn't work for me.
NOTHING helps but I would rather be calm and I can be calm on both weed and alcohol and I don't suppose it really matters how straight for a line I walk these days. I am f****d with a capitol F either way and apparently no one cares which can make the mind wonder on what people do care about. That is why I am f****d with a capitol F cause I haven't figured it out either
Yes I am, can't do weed, gonna get drunk.
Personally I would rather have weed but I guess I'll follow the rules... and get drunk.
I can't function either way so its hard to really know what does and doesn't work for me.
NOTHING helps but I would rather be calm and I can be calm on both weed and alcohol and I don't suppose it really matters how straight for a line I walk these days. I am f****d with a capitol F either way and apparently no one cares which can make the mind wonder on what people do care about. That is why I am f****d with a capitol F cause I haven't figured it out either
i care. i'm just not sure what i can do to help right now.
Hmm... Are you team [my name]?
I bet you are...
Its okay its not more then I can handle but it does grief my spirit, more for my mothers sake then my own.
I guess its a bottle of jack then, I am on my way... and so are they, you know where I am heading, give me 10 mins.