Rants

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I hate NT blabber. I dislike high-fructose corn syrup. I have
quite the disdain for the conventional, and ordinary.

I feel compelled to waller in the agony of my mutilated,
farfetched endevours.

In 2003, I had two positive things in my life: my job and my yoga.
Everything else sucked so I left the job and moved.
Got a boyfriend, got a job.
Fell down a long flight of stairs which ripped shoulder cartilage to threads. I haven't been able to do yoga since, and I was REALLY good at it. Now my athletic body has turned into a middle-aged body...
My father died in a fatal motorbike accident because he was drunk and not wearing a helmet.
I left my job because they were going to dock my salary for the time I spent going to Thailand to see him on his deathbed.
Got another job where I was disliked by a certain person from day one who made my life so difficult that I filed a complaint with the US Equal Employment Office for "hostile work environment". One more job reference down the drain, and job lost.
Tried to work for a research psychiatrist but the atmosphere was hostile and I was accused of "getting angry" despite not getting paid for over a month's worth of work. Was soo looking forward to that job...
Took a job as lecturer this January, but my co-instructor (who has seniority because she has a master's and I don't) was a nightmare to work with and our boss took her side against me, probably because all my students rave about me and word got back to her about that...

So now I have a job interview scheduled on Monday, as clinical research associate for a major cancer research center. It is very close to my dream job.

HOWEVER
It will require moving me and my husband to another island, selling all our belongings, moving to a place where the cost of living is very high (Honolulu - okay maybe this isn't such a bad idea)
AND
it is unknown what horrible people I will be working with.

I am very leery of making such a drastic life change, for a job. I'm an aspie. If somebody looks at me the wrong way, I take offense. I am trying to tell myself that I can do it, I can prevail over as*holes. Plus since I've had such a string of disappointments, I am leery.

I don't know what to do except put one foot in front of the other...

(Oh and BTW, cancer kind of scares me. I'm a nurse and have seen everything, but this is my disease phobia. Sigh)

my future scares me. I see no future for myself.
I hate feeling trapped in my own home. No one should have to feel like this.

You know, I have spent years struggling with my own thoughts that expressing my pain to others makes me an attention seeker. I have hated myself when I have shared, feeling myself to be pathetic, useless, weak, attention seeking. I don't have anyone to share my darker feelings with in my real life. My parents will no longer allow me to speak of any problems I have. I am angry right now and I am hurt. And I hate people who hurt me...really hate them. Anyone who dares to claim that this sort of thing is some sort of perverse act for attention??? JESUS f'ING CHRIST, you think I like being this way???? You think I LIKE feeling so down all the time, never knowing when my mood is next going to swing or when something else going wrong might push me into another rage? You think someone is going to beat the crap out of themselves for attention??? Give me a f'ing break. And even if some do do this sort of thing for attention, does that make them a bad person? They must be fairly in a fairly desperate state if they would go to such extremes in the first place. I am angry and I am crying and I am upset as I had just calmed down from earlier, and then some twisted jackass decides to throw more at me.

And I am left thinking... shall I go... but if I go, I will be seen as an attention seeker and if I go, I am left without the only support network I have right now, even though I do not trust many to actually care anyway, in spite of what is said. Shall I stay? But if I stay, I no longer feel safe expressing my pain, and will be left always wondering, is everyone else thinking I am an attention seeker too? IS everyone sat there, rolling their eyes and thinking, here she goes again with her stupid dramatics, why can't she shut up already?

It's f'cking 3am and my roommate is noising and lighting up my room!!

QUIET AND DARK, I NEED QUIET AND DARK!! !

I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM THIS F*CKING HELL HOLE!! !!

It's okay for everybody else to change, but it's not okay for me to change. Why is that?

GAH! I HATE MY LIFE!! !!

F'cking washakie! I want to go in there and make those as*holes watch me die!

I can't handle Washakie anymore, it's too crowded and everything is broken. It pisses me off so much I can't control the anger anymore. Eating there is so bad that I would rather die, so I'm not eating there, or at all, with my low blood sugar I should go into a coma in a few days and nobody will find me when I do.

I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE FUN!! !!

GODAMN F'ING BUILDERS! I hate my landlord so much...I hate builders so much, what is it with f'ing men and their need to play with their toys and make noise?? This has been going on for months, and that stupid, ignorant, moronic landlord told me 2 months ago that it would be done with in 2 weeks!! !! But here I am, awake after only 3 hours sleep, because all I can hear, even through earplugs is this horrendous BANG, BANG, BANG!It kills me, as if it isn't bad enough I was in agony from a trapped nerve or something in my back... I could barely even move my head.

It left me shouting about how I would get a rifle and shoot their brains out, or smash their tools into their skulls. I hate them so much for causing me so much distress...

I really dislike when someone sees me down, and says "Cheer up, it'll never happen."

Because I don't like this much, I give off my [sarcasm]"Great Banta"[/sarcasm] reply like "Too late, it already has." or "No, why should I? You Can't Tell Me What To Do."

It annoys me.

Someone like me can't cheer up "Just like that".