Nihilism

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I read the word often enough but never really seem to see people use it outside of discussion of characters in fiction. Wonder how many people really feel this way or even whether I actually understand the concept.

The other week, Dec 31st, I finally lay it all out to this idiot about how she can't blackmail me and take the chump change I make at my sh***y job away because technically in the eyes of the law I have not actually committed a crime. Out come the crocodile tears about how it's unfair and I ruined her life, even though she's far better off than I am. I'd already apologized plenty, to be told she doesn't care, so I said the same. Said I was crazy, not the first time but well it seems she really meant it, I said I wonder why and hung up and probably after nearing 15 years on and off that's the last interaction we'll ever have.

I feel like something's snapped or close to it. Like a paradox, you know, how could I feel so guilty before and then just not care and not really think about it since then? Why should I bother caring about anything at all anymore. Before it was suicidal tendencies and now it's moved beyond that to the point where I feel I could be a vegetable if I had no obligations. Nothing is stopping me from just not participating. I wonder if selective mutism is a thing in adult autistics.

Between old dreams of her being murdered and me put on trial, or running from presumably an older version of myself and losing control of my limbs, to ones much more recent of girls like her fondling themselves and rejecting me, or having a really nice wealthy house just to have it burn down around me with no escape...needless to say that despite trying I can't make sense of much and it's not good for my sleeping habits either.

Who knows if it could just be things going on in my life...no new jobs, people treating me like s**t at mine provided I'm not just invisible, catching the worst cold of my life at the same time as a pilonidal cyst taken care of last September starts being a problem again and finding out it may be ongoing for the next 20 years at least. Happy 2017. But hey I guess my candidate won whoopee doo.

There seems to be some stuff connecting atheism to nihilism as far as ideology goes. Not sure how much truth is in that but I was never a big believer in anything. With the exception of the overwhelming feeling that maybe I've been flying too close to the sun, but that isn't really putting stock in it just a stupid idea I'm being punished for thinking I'm good enough to get what I want in life. For years I've only sought the most basic needs and now even that has its own complications...which has me thinking why is any of it worthwhile.

None of my hobbies, games, art, acquaintances, colleagues, family, etc. really do all that much for me anymore. It's like I'm just watching from the inside out at a film that goes on regardless. Nothing is real, or fake, or who knows but none of it matters anyway. If only there was some way to pass the time faster or to numb my conscious a bit more, but then I don't have the energy to find out either.

Maybe it could be argued I care enough to try and write about it. Don't have any friends to share with. So write back, or don't.

Hang on, Boxman108.

I hope you will find good things in 2017.
I will admit the year is off to a rocky start
and it looks to get even rockier.

A saying I like is,
"When you're down at the bottom,
the only place you can go is up."
Yes, that often takes effort.

I think I'm fine with just getting worse as it is.

I deactivated my Facebook today. Don't know if you can just outright delete it but couldn't find a way so yeah. Considering that's where more than half my socialization comes from these days, that's a big chunk taken out of my life. I could just log back in and the funny part is likely no one would have ever noticed I'd been gone. Might miss the dank pepe memes but that's about it.

I had the wonderfully idiotic idea of texting A last night to apologize and tell her I'd pay and she essentially replied saying never to contact her again and that I should go find someone else to torture.

I'm so tired of this golden rule BS, it is absolutely never proven true by anyone I've ever met. People lie and cheat and steal and feel no shame or guilt...I'm convinced that's what's the difference between people who are "happy" and people who are not. Just totally ignorant and oblivious to anyone else, and yet say I don't know what empathy is.

Most of my time and energy spent doing things for others, being selfless and trying to set an example of change I want to see...no more. Never again. So done with all of it and getting nothing tangible out of it.

I did write a sh***y poem the other day, I guess my last contribution of anything to society:

A simple flower
rests in the wrong time and place;
Each day a slow death.

Basically just this plant I pass by sweeping the parking lot at work every day. For whatever reason it's just been there between the wall and pavement before the loading dock, now covered in snow every other week. It looks like its dying but never quite there yet. It's pretty much how I feel.

what kind of grown man cries himself to sleep over stupid BS hell not even I can't sleep cuz of it

it ends tomorrow