I'm not going out alone again after 2pm

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So I was at work but had to go to a different building ran by the same company, which was in the town. As I was walking I saw these loud, aggressive people over the road but I just ignored them. When I got to the other building I'd forgotten the code to the door so I was looking on my phone to find the picture I'd taken of the code, and the loud aggressive people started coming up the street where I was, which was a quiet street out of the way. As they approached they started mocking me, calling me a stupid man (even though I'm a woman) and shouting random numbers in my ear like they were mocking me and I just felt intimidated. This may not sound like a big deal to some but it is to me, as I have agoraphobia and social anxiety and people like that just scare me. I feel mad that I was at work and those people were likely just lowlife druggies making fun of me. I also feel mad that they thought I was a man because it has now made me feel self-conscious of what I look like.

When they passed (thankfully) and I finally got inside, I was shaking then burst into tears. I knew they were most likely harmless but I just don't like being targeted by strangers when I'm out alone, as it brings back haunting memories of when kids did that to me in high school. Yes I am a weak wimp but inwardly I wanted to shout back at them, but I knew that might make them set upon me so I just took their s**t. A timid wimp like me is not going to win against a gang of aggressive druggies in a city that has a high crime rate.

It just feeds my anxiety. And they were not kids, they were in their 20s or 30s.

That's awful and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It certainly sounds like a big deal to me! And I don't even have agoraphobia or social anxiety. (People do make me uncomfortable but it's not to the extent of social anxiety.) I would still be shaken and upset!

And you reacted well by not engaging with them or responding. That's not wimpy, that's wise. Some of us (me, possibly) would lack the impulse control to not respond and then would find ourselves in an even worse situation.

It doesn't work for everyone, but does it help to think that: they are extremely miserable and hurt, they lack access to relevant assistance, so they have so much self-hatred inside it has to go somewhere and you walked by you looked like an empty bucket to put some of that hate. Of course, off loading hate like that doesn't work, it's a renewable resources, but terribly miserable and hurt people don't know that or don't have the emotional wherewithal to access it (their "better angel" is tied up and locked in the basement).

I'm NOT saying that what they did to you is excusable because they have their own s**t. Although if that works for you, take it. What I'm trying to say is... is.... it's not about your and your looks, really. It's about hurting you. Good chance these people have felt terribly gender policed themselves at a time, and now they are paying that back into the world, hurt people hurt people, and they hurt people in the ways they know how to hurt because that's what hurts them. Hurt people aren't too sophisticated about it; the type of torment they deliver is almost nearly 1-for-1 the torment they experience. I.E., they are projecting. And so they are jealous of you, in a way. Your appearance shows you feel free to defy the gender police, and they're jealous of that freedom they don't have or stopped believe they can have, probably long ago. They resent what they see you seem to have that they feel they don't get to have, too.

I would be hurt just like you. But maybe this helps a bit. If nothing else, remind yourself how miserable they are, probably way more miserable than they were able to make you.

I have always responded to bullies with a "gray rock" strategy. It's not wimpy. It's deescalation. Maybe it comes naturally to you, but for me its highly strategic and I have honed my skills in this regard. It's a skill I have an aptitude for, but that I think can become still more powerful if you develop it consciously. It's a talent lots do not have. Don't be ashamed.

Whatever their reasons they had to pick on me, it still made me feel intimidated and angry. I hate being the target of these sorts of people. And they literally thought I was a man. I heard one of them yell "she ain't a man!"

This is why I dislike being out in public. I don't like being a punch bag for all these insecure weirdos. And I have insecurities myself but I don't go around bullying others to make myself feel good. In fact whenever I do upset anyone I feel terribly guilty and beat myself up for days, if not months.

I don't want to look like a man. I have a woman's figure, and my hair was up in a "messy bun", which isn't a masculine style. Maybe they were mocking me because they didn't know what gender I was supposed to be. But I was at WORK. I was wearing high-vis work gear, which I know isn't the most feminine outfit but I still didn't think it made me look like a man.

I think you did the right thing in not retaliating Joe90.

I got attacked one night on my way home from a night out. I did retaliate but they had punched me in the head and I didn't really know what I was doing. Luckily for me they backed down but it could have turned nasty for someone.

It's really scary when something like that happens and you're just minding your own business.

I wish you well.

I can't stand random abuse/violence. It's always the least deserving who are targeted. I'm sorry that happened Joe90.

I know it doesn't help at all when your adrenalin is up and you just wish you could have done something to put shitbags like that in their place, but what azucarleta says is true: these are broken people that are out to make their brokenness someone else's problem.

Be safe.

How is only venturing outside before 2pm going to avoid all aggressive weird people? Do they have scheduled shifts of when they might hassle people in the UK? 1:45, totally fine.. 2:01 zomg stay inside, dodge a bullet!

Just saying your time cutoff doesn't make a whole lot of sense To Me. Probably better off imposing a self rule about not being out after dark by yourself or something like that.. but middle of the day ? Seems like an odd time of day to select for safety/security reasons.. unless I've missed something and the UK has strictly scheduled hours of when aggressive people become nuisances to others.

It's not as precise as that, but it's been said that in this particularly city the safest time to go out is the morning because there is statistically less crime. I think it's because most druggies and drinkers are still asleep then and then they start coming out as the afternoon wears on, and evenings and nights are the worst times. I don't know why but I've always felt less vulnerable in the mornings when out (I don't mean really early mornings when it's still quiet). Also later afternoons (after 3pm) is when schoolkids come out of school and often hang out in large groups, sometimes tormenting members of the public.

Yeah, hardcore druggies and drunks aren't early risers. They tend to get up mid morning or so and start doing their thing in the early afternoon onwards. But it's only in the very worst neighbourhoods where this is a real concern. In The Worst neighbourhood there's been more random violence than ever.. yet in all the time I've spent there, even super late night on weekends, I never even witnessed anything remotely close to random acts of ultraviolence. I guess it's sort of hit or miss - literally.

The bolded part is weird. Wtf? Kids get out of school and torment people ? Wtf is going on there? Exceedingly rare here that school children randomly target members of the public like they're a street gang or something.

Oh dear! That was downright mean of them.

That anger is absolutely justified and understandable, they basically attacked your very existence.


May not be kids on the calendar but it looks like they may still be kids, and delinquent ones, in their hearts and souls.

How horrendous, I'm sorry you had to go through that Joe. Very scary, especially as you were alone in a deserted street.

I've had that happen quite a few times, it seems that groups of people will just pick on someone who is alone for no logical reason. Usually with me it was random groups of men who'd come up and say 'you're so ugly' and then laugh and jeer and catcall. Always when I was alone, like you were that time. Like predators in a pack.

I hope that doesn't happen to you again, it's very frightening.

You're right Joe, they do act like this. Generally aged 11+

They have no respect for their elders. When I was young I'd never have dreamed of saying rude things to an adult.

Now I feel more agoraphobic and I don't want to do the task of going to the other building at work any more. I feel like I'm being awkward though. I don't really like to ask if someone can go with me because I don't want to be a burden.

It's like I have a bubble around me, and anyone who makes any sort of interaction with me, even if it's just eye contact, has just entered my bubble. If I know a person or will get to know them, or if it's a stranger but the interaction is friendly and positive, then they're welcome in my bubble. But if it's an unfriendly or obnoxious stranger who has got into my bubble I feel all sorts of emotions; anxiety, resentment, embarrassment, nervousness, etc. Hostile strangers aren't welcome in my bubble and I expect them to stay out of it if I'm minding my own business.

You are perfectly entitled to ask for help with going to the other building. As a woman it is normal to be scared of aggressive people, especially men. Often male colleagues don't realise how many precautions women have to take just to feel safe e.g. always parking our car under a streetlight. I bet they would understand if you asked colleagues for help. You could say 'until I feel safe again' and then just not get to feeling safe so they have to continue helping.

The bubble is your personal boundary. It is a good thing. Too many of us don't have personal boundaries, which is not good at all.

I decided to say that next time I'm hassled on a bus, I will say loudly 'leave me alone, total stranger' to make it clear to onlookers that I don't know that person and it's not some kind of domestic situation. Obviously that doesn't work when you're alone though.

Well they thought I was a man...

Today someone did go with me, as I said about the incident. I feel so much less self-conscious when I'm walking with somebody else. I suddenly feel all safe and protected and relaxed.

I am worrying that these druggies might recognise me, especially if I'm in my work uniform, and start picking on me or bullying, like at school. I feel angry, because I'm 33 years old. I don't want history to repeat itself.

Look as an ex "druggie" myself I reckon they won't even remember you by now. That's the thing when someone hurts you, you remember it for far longer than the person who has hurt you or caused the trauma.

The amount of people I have hurt in the past is probably longer than the list of people who have hurt me but I remember in a lot more detail what has been done to me than what I have done to other people.

It's just a sad fact of life really. They will have moved on but unfortunately for you, you can't.