Less than satisfying relationships with parents

Page 1 of 1 [ 8 posts ] 

ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

23 Feb 2017, 11:26 pm

My dad and I aren't that close. I talk to my mom more than my dad cause he's always at work or doing one of his hobbies. That's how it's always been.

When I was a teenager and started staying in my room all the time my dad would say things about how it was wrong that I stayed in my room all the time. Things like that I wasn’t going to make any friends. His mother (my “grandma”) would say the same sort of s**t to me. She would also tell me that I needed to talk more or people would think I didn’t care. Well guess what? Maybe I don’t f*****g care about what you’re talking about.

I can’t remember if it was my dad or someone else who said that I was going to get a hunchback from going on the computer all the time.

I’ve always felt like a freak in my family. I am most definitely the black sheep.

Recently my mom told me that my dad wishes we were closer and that he knew me more. Throughout my entire f*****g life every time I was “myself” as a child I would get in trouble, be ostracized, or straight up told I was disturbing. Basically for being a goth. For being the goth of the family and for acting differently than the other children. Also for the drawings I would do. Which from an objective point of view were not disturbing at all.

So, what has triggered me into this mood is that today I went downstairs in an effort to talk to my dad more I asked him how the timer on the heater in the bathroom works so that when I unplug it from the wall to use it in my room I can set it again if it’s changed. I went up to my room to get it and on my way back down the stairs I can hear my dad telling my mom something about how heating elements don’t do good when you move them around. Since I heard him I asked, “What?” when I got downstairs so that he could tell me about how it’s not good to move them.

But he said nothing. Like many times before my words go unheard and at the age of 25 I am tired of repeating myself to people. Of feeling ignored. Of having attachment to acknowledgement.

So, I let it go. I don’t repeat myself. I don't ask again so he can tell me about the heating element. I go back up into my room and use the heater even though I heard him. I know that I do it in spite of what he said because he wouldn’t tell me.

Why can’t people just be direct with me? Why can’t he just ask me not to use it cause it’s not good for it? It gets so cold in my room. The heater makes it so I can function and make money from home to move out. I’ll just go to the store and buy one of the same heaters instead of using the one that he bought.

I think it’s pretentiousness? Not wanting to create ANY conflict because you might hurt someone’s “feelings”. Why am I the one who has to initiate EVERYTHING when it comes to interaction with my dad (almost). Since I have always been ostracized in my family, as a child, I grew up feeling less and then as I got older I isolated myself because it was too stressful to be around them because of being constantly criticized for just existing. Everyone thinks that I don’t hang out with them because I think I’m “better” or “cooler” than them when really I’ve just been trying to not burden everyone with my freaky presence.

Was walking with my mom the other night and we were talking about AS before we left the house. The kid who lives across the street from us is also on the spectrum. He dresses like a Jedi all the time and has a sweet ass lightsaber and a bulldog. He was taking the dog out to pee in the front yard and my mom (had a few drinks) says really loud, “Oh, HE’S GOT AUTISM.” And it just pissed me off. She said it so loudly. Like she didn’t think he was going to hear it? I told her after she said that how much it f*****g hurts when people talk about you like you’re an object, novelty or just NOT THERE at all. When I told her about it she’s like, “Oh, he couldn’t hear me.” or “Oh, he doesn’t know.” It’s like…….do you not know me? Have we not been talking about this? Have I not been showing you videos about disability and how just cause you can’t convey your communication doesn’t mean you’re not thinking!! ! Doesn’t mean you can’t hear!

My mom recently watched that Temple Grandin movie with Clare Danes so she’s been talking to me more about AS and asking me stuff.

When I first told her I felt that I was an aspie, I asked her if she wanted me to show her some stuff about it and she said, “Not really.”

I don't know how to "bond" more with my dad. Things like tonight just make me want to give up.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77


Lunella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 644
Location: Manchester UK

24 Feb 2017, 12:58 am

Your family sounds pretty toxic honestly, just focus on getting out of there since you don't need that environment. When you move you can just let them come to you if they want a relationship with you, otherwise I wouldn't even bother if they were my parents. Don't feel like you have to stay in contact with them if you don't want to btw, plenty of people disown their parents because they're horrible.

I think if you want a better relationship with your dad then ask him for a father/daughter day where you can go and do something together you enjoy.

Also, I know it's probably really frustrating talking to these people but like, communication is key with it all. If you're struggling getting out what you wanna say across properly then resort to handwritten communication or text/email. It often seems to be quite a useful tool when it comes to parents because parents suck at actually listening to their kids usually.

I don't know what else to suggest, parents are a typical annoying problem to have when they're giving you aggro.


_________________
Devour me, Colossus
...

It's not easy to be me, Got a lot of responsibilities,
And such popularity, I feel like I could cry~
I give it all and they can see, I am a brilliant entity
Emitting glorious energy, By the grace of gods, go I
Whatever you want, Consider it done, baby~


ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

24 Feb 2017, 2:35 am

Anytime I've brought up things they've said to me in the past they've denied it.

Recently my mom told me (after she had been drinking) that she wished she had never told me my bedroom was depressing in high school and that I was a freak. She came in (after I thought they were in bed) and saw that I was trying to stretch my ears by having multiple earrings in them. So, she said I "just wanted to be like my freaky friends" and yeah that whole episode basically ended any motivation I had to make friends because it would just end up in me being attacked for wanting freedom. Being told that I was disrespectful.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77


ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

24 Feb 2017, 2:44 am

Lunella wrote:
Don't feel like you have to stay in contact with them if you don't want to btw, plenty of people disown their parents because they're horrible.


I've thought about this. It's so hard. I'm always second guessing myself. Like, is this toxic? Am I paranoid? Am I the toxic one? Why can't I just be myself without offending people?

Lunella wrote:
I think if you want a better relationship with your dad then ask him for a father/daughter day where you can go and do something together you enjoy.


Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. The only thing I can really think of for us to go do is to shoot guns. I'm good at shooting stuff. Maybe I should save up and buy a little hand gun or something and go shooting with him.

We both smoke weed and bond over that sometimes. Yeah, seems dysfunctional maybe. Those times are chill. I am the reason they openly smoke weed. Cause once I had a breakdown about how something that brought such relieve couldn't be openly talked about with family.

Maybe he and I should start a grow room or something. I can just never get these memories out of my mind. I guess it's an aspie thing? Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

The other night my mom said, "If we had known you had asperger's..." But to me it's like, wait, people can't just be who they are? They can't just appear eccentric to the boring world and that be who they are? I have to have a "mental illness" in order to be valid in my personality? What is this world? Such a tragic place.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77


ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

24 Feb 2017, 2:47 am

Last week my brother was talking about someone at his work not being able to do something right. He said in an insulting/sarcastic way, "What? Do you have a learning disability or something?" Pretending he was talking to the person from his work.

I was just thinking, wow you are so ignorant and arrogant and obviously ableist. Not sure if that's how you spell it.

And my dad agreed with him. Saying, "Yeah, probably." About this person he has never met.

Oh and my dad has dyslexia and didn't finish high school so I don't know where he gets the gall to speak on such topics.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77


Lunella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 644
Location: Manchester UK

24 Feb 2017, 3:21 am

Your mother sounds like the sort of woman who would quickly change her tune if you became way more successful than her. Putting your own kids down seems like she has her own problems and see's you as an easy target to let her emotions out cause you won't fight back. Not someone you should bother with, but I know it's hard when it's your own mother doing this. She seems a bit childish though, she should be helping you and wanting the best for you - not putting you down because you like interesting stuff other than mainstream crap. If it was me I'd turn around and go "Yeah I like different stuff, so what? Maybe you should stop putting your own kid down with your narrow minded remarks and act your age." lol, I don't take any s**t from anyone though. I've disowned tons of ignorant/racist family members and the rest of them know to not be dicks now otherwise they'll never see me again and that scares them.

With your dad, yeah just do something with weapons, axe throwing, archery, check google for dad activities I bet something cool will pop up. I know it can be exhausting but I guess if you really do want a proper friendly relationship with him then you gotta put the time in. Also it's not dysfunctional you can just like smoke weed with your parents, it's f*****g awesome that they aren't being dicks about that particular thing. Maybe your dad is high functioning and doesn't know it and that's why you get on so well with him?

Your brother sounds like your mother, which is typical because lads usually take after their mother socially. It seems like your dad sorta could be the person who just fakely agrees with people just to kinda do it for social appearance, maybe ask your dad in private if he really was serious about that.

The memories will stick in your mind if it upset you a lot, it's pretty normal.

As for your mother basically just putting you into a category, the closed mindedness shows. The woman doesn't care enough about you it seems, from what you've said. If she did then she'd listen to you and show an interest in it. Like, she isn't behaving like a mother at all - some mothers research everything they can about it because they're worried about their kid.

Don't let it get you down too much though, lots of people have this problem, you just gotta pick yourself up, get the hell out of there and start living your life with or without them. Lots of people go for the surrogate family thing these days, have a circle of friends who are basically just like family that live together so it's not the end of the world if you do decide to get rid. Plenty of people out there who'd love your company. Also, maybe get out and about a bit more. I'd be out all the time not putting up with that crap cause stuff like that stresses you out.


_________________
Devour me, Colossus
...

It's not easy to be me, Got a lot of responsibilities,
And such popularity, I feel like I could cry~
I give it all and they can see, I am a brilliant entity
Emitting glorious energy, By the grace of gods, go I
Whatever you want, Consider it done, baby~


ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

Yesterday, 12:13 am

Lunella wrote:
Also, I know it's probably really frustrating talking to these people but like, communication is key with it all. If you're struggling getting out what you wanna say across properly then resort to handwritten communication or text/email. It often seems to be quite a useful tool when it comes to parents because parents suck at actually listening to their kids usually.


Today I freaked out at my mom and unloaded all the built up s**t I've been thinking about since childhood. Also told her that one of the reasons I don't tell them is cause I know it will hurt them. It will hurt them so much they will deny it (which is what she did today). Some of it anyway.

One of the things I confessed to her was that I was self conscious about my crotch smelling until I was like 21 because when I was little I had issues wiping so my mother would call me "crotch rot" and my brother called me it too once or twice. But she would always tell me I smelled.

Today I asked her if she remembered that and she said no. What kind of a person says that s**t to their kid and then forgets about it? What the f**k is wrong with these people?

One of my friends has recognized it. It makes me feel validated. Cause other friends I had were toxic like my mother. Just in a different way and never really cared/fed off of it themselves.

The healthier you get the more pissed off everyone else gets, cause now you're not letting them treat you like s**t/call them out.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77


ritualdrama
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 324
Location: Eugene

Yesterday, 12:29 am

Lunella wrote:
Your mother sounds like the sort of woman who would quickly change her tune if you became way more successful than her.

There was a point in time where I was getting out of the house a lot cause of schooling and jobs and actually being social at one point in my life. My parents came to me and said that I wasn't "contributing" enough to the household and that I was off "smoking" with my friends all the time. I smoke weed. Cause I'm in constant pain but that's another thing they don't really address. I was born curved to the side a bit and now I have chronic back pain. Why wouldn't you help your kid with that s**t from when they're a baby?

Lunella wrote:
Putting your own kids down seems like she has her own problems and see's you as an easy target to let her emotions out cause you won't fight back.

She's not the type to accept her own emotional problems. Lately I've realized that I attract narcissistic people into my life to use me and I've denied it for awhile...the whole, going out into the world and attracting people who are like your family? Yeah, I think that's what's happening here. But I am reluctant to label my mother a narcissist. Though the more memories I recover whilst reading about narcissism are fitting the bill.

She said that my family feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Crazymaking? The way they communicate is they talk about the problem they're having with you to someone else THEN come talk to you about it. My mom and brother talked about how my shirt had BO and I smelled and my mom doesn't just say to me, "Dude, you stink right now can you go put a different shirt on?" Cause I've talked to them before about how BO doesn't bother me cause I hung out with punk kids and others who had BO and it didn't bother me that much. I shower everyday. The shirt was just dirty. She comes to me and says, "Is there a reason you haven't been showering?" She's doesn't even like, ask if I haven't been showering. She just assumes it. I shower everyday. You know your daughter so well, you just assumed that I don't shower instead of having and actual conversation with me.

Today near the end of our conversation/my breakdown she used the whole "there isn't a book on parenting" excuse. And I'm pretty sure there are f*****g PLENTY of books out there about parenting. And she said that she was "still growing" then because she was young and my age when she got married. I'm 25.

She cried. She made herself the victim. She said she feels like "the worst mother on earth". "a horrible person". I didn't know how to respond to that. So, I didn't.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 177 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

http://bit.ly/1L29X77